Thursday, November 18, 2010


It's 3:55 am as I write this.  I'm awake and have not been sleeping tonight.  Some of it is due to the fact that I cannot shut my brain off and some is because I have a kidney infection and it HURTS.

I am in pain.  The medication is not working.  I had thoughts of going to the ER the other night but the logistics of it are a nightmare (do I call my mom and have her come stay with Gigi and go myself? A neighbor?).  It was easier not to go and be in pain. 

Then I thought more about it.  I have not set foot in that hospital since the early morning hours of July 13th.  I was there every single day for almost three weeks, my Mama basically lived there and my Daddy died there.  The ER doors are the doors I entered the night he died.  Can I even go back there?

I know that I will eventually need to someday.  Eventually I will need to go to the hospital for something but knowing that's the last place I saw my Daddy alive is a hard pill to swallow.  Knowing that we all had hope that he would not die there but die at home.

One step forward and two steps back - isn't that what they say? 

I was doing really well for awhile and now feel like I've had some sort of setback.  Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel well.  Or the fact that the holidays are fast approaching.  I don't want to celebrate this year but we will for the kids.  I don't want a Thanksgiving or Christmas without my Daddy. 



  1. I feel the same way about the hospital where my dad died. Please feel better soon - rooting for you.

  2. Will be thinking of you lots as you head into the holidays. I have a very good friend here in S.C. that went through what you are going through last year. She lost her dad the day after Thanksgiving to a sudden heart attack and that next year around the holidays (which was last year) was so tough for her. Time will heal your wounds sweetie. But I know it's still so hard!