It's 3:55 am as I write this. I'm awake and have not been sleeping tonight. Some of it is due to the fact that I cannot shut my brain off and some is because I have a kidney infection and it HURTS.
I am in pain. The medication is not working. I had thoughts of going to the ER the other night but the logistics of it are a nightmare (do I call my mom and have her come stay with Gigi and go myself? A neighbor?). It was easier not to go and be in pain.
Then I thought more about it. I have not set foot in that hospital since the early morning hours of July 13th. I was there every single day for almost three weeks, my Mama basically lived there and my Daddy died there. The ER doors are the doors I entered the night he died. Can I even go back there?
I know that I will eventually need to someday. Eventually I will need to go to the hospital for something but knowing that's the last place I saw my Daddy alive is a hard pill to swallow. Knowing that we all had hope that he would not die there but die at home.
One step forward and two steps back - isn't that what they say?
I was doing really well for awhile and now feel like I've had some sort of setback. Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel well. Or the fact that the holidays are fast approaching. I don't want to celebrate this year but we will for the kids. I don't want a Thanksgiving or Christmas without my Daddy.