Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  A day that used to be fun and full of eating and a day this year that is filled with trepidation, fear and sadness.  This will be the first real holiday without my Daddy. 

Even though he is not here there are so many things to be thankful for.  It's time to count my blessings and not dwell on the fact that he is not here.

I'm thankful that I got to have a Daddy for 32 years.  Some people don't get that.  I'm thankful that I have so many wonderful memories of him and can remember all the fun we had and the laughs we shared and try to forget the fights and the bad times. 

I'm thankful that he loved me so much and that I had the opportunity to love him.  I'm thankful that both of my parents "rescued" me and helped me get on my feet.  I'm thankful that I still have my wonderful Mama and that we will be together for Thanksgiving this year. 

I'm thankful that we have the kids - who are forcing the adults to BE adults and not wallow in our sadness during this holiday.  I'm thankful that I got to spend so many Thanksgivings with my family so that we have memories like putting up the Christmas lights, Daddy always washing the dishes to put in the dishwasher (beginning the "why are you washing the dishes before we put the dishes in the dishwasher" argument), eating pumpkin pie, drinking red wine (even though Daddy loved the dry icky stuff - he was always nice and shared), and there are so many others.

I'm thankful that each one of his grandkids got to at least meet him even if the won't have many memories of him.  He loved those kids...and they loved him. 

I'm thankful that we didn't know that last year was our last Thanksgiving with him...our last Christmas...our last everything.  I think of my friend E, whose mother is dying of cancer, and how each and every holiday it is known that is *could* be the last.  I admire their strength to be able to get through it.  We just have memories of the holidays being good.  Of him sitting in the chair reading the Christmas story from the Bible last Christmas Eve because the roads were too bad to get to church. 

I'm thankful that he taught me to fight for ME.  I'm having some health issues and am frustrated but will keep on seeking answers because "I don't know" is NOT a good enough answer for me. 

I'm thankful that we got the chance to say goodbye.  Even if we didn't want to...he left this earth knowing just how much he was loved and he left each one of us with the knowledge of how much he loved us.  I'm thankful that I know that when he left this earthly life there was eternal life waiting for him.  I'm thankful for my faith and the people that have taught me to believe so I know that this was not the end for him.

I'm thankful for his friends - who have been so diligent on checking up on my Mama and making sure she is okay.  I'm thankful for the friends that have checked up on all of us, knowing that this time of the year is not an easy one.

Today for the first time I had to go through my medical history and actually add that my father was in fact deceased and had cancer.  That was HARD.  I'm not going to lie, there were tears.  But the friendly nurse and doctor was so great.  Like they were sent to be here at this time to give me some comfort.  They both said, "that's so hard.  I'm so sorry." and meant it.  It *is* hard.  It sucks. 

Please remember to keep all of us in your prayers, to get through this difficult time without my Daddy.  To figure out a way to find joy in this season for the kids while the adults would like to curl up and make the whole season just go away. 

I'm thankful that part of the reason that this time of the year is so hard is that my family always made our holidays special.  We may not have always had a huge amount of presents or even got along but I was always acutely aware that I was loved.  I knew that my family was doing their best to make memories.  I cherish those now.

Happy Thanksgiving (to all my American friends at least - sorry Canadians I'm a little late!).  I'm certainly going to count my blessings while we try to get through the day. 

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Insomnia

It's 3:55 am as I write this.  I'm awake and have not been sleeping tonight.  Some of it is due to the fact that I cannot shut my brain off and some is because I have a kidney infection and it HURTS.

I am in pain.  The medication is not working.  I had thoughts of going to the ER the other night but the logistics of it are a nightmare (do I call my mom and have her come stay with Gigi and go myself? A neighbor?).  It was easier not to go and be in pain. 

Then I thought more about it.  I have not set foot in that hospital since the early morning hours of July 13th.  I was there every single day for almost three weeks, my Mama basically lived there and my Daddy died there.  The ER doors are the doors I entered the night he died.  Can I even go back there?

I know that I will eventually need to someday.  Eventually I will need to go to the hospital for something but knowing that's the last place I saw my Daddy alive is a hard pill to swallow.  Knowing that we all had hope that he would not die there but die at home.

One step forward and two steps back - isn't that what they say? 

I was doing really well for awhile and now feel like I've had some sort of setback.  Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel well.  Or the fact that the holidays are fast approaching.  I don't want to celebrate this year but we will for the kids.  I don't want a Thanksgiving or Christmas without my Daddy. 

*sigh*

Friday, November 5, 2010

My Gigi...

I just need to write about my Gigi.  She is the most loving, caring, cool 5 year old kiddo ever.  She can read me and knows when I need a hug, need a kiss or just need her to snuggle up to me.

Gigi and I have pretty much always been joined at the hip.  Immediately when I found out I was pregnant I *knew* that it was my daughter.  Even as a tiny baby she picked up on the smallest piece of discontent and wouldn't be happy til her Mama was happy.

Tonight my little baby girl (because yes, at 5 I still call her that and will when she is 25) looked at me and just said, "You are the best Mama in the whole world.  You take such good care of me and I just love you so much."  She has been throwing me kisses and hearts since I picked her up from school.  She told me she saved up 100 kisses for me at school and on our way home she smooched every single one of those at me from the backseat of the car. 

Through all the sleepless nights, the crying, the literal fights to get her to sleep, the night terrors, the crying, the sleepless nights (and did I mention the crying? ) she has been HER.  A little person with a big personality.  A Drama Queen at her finest. 

I knew unconditional love before Gigi came along.  I knew that from my parents who loved me even when I screwed up.  But I did not realize how INTENSE that unconditional love could be.  Of course I would do anything for this child - but it's not just anything.  I would go to the ends of the earth to make her happy and you know what?  She would do the same for me. 

"I just love you Mommy...too much" is a familiar phrase in our house.  As is, "Mama I heart you."  She decided tonight that instead of please that our magic word should be heart.  As in, "Mama could you heart help me get this on?"  Goofy girl.  Just another way of her showing her love. 

She fell asleep snuggled up with me tonight on the couch.  When I moved her to bed she opened her eyes slightly and purred.  "I heart you Mama," she murmured and purred again.  The child that I love so much and loves me back also thinks she is a kitty when she is sleeping. 

Last year I took part in the "everyday post something you are greatful for on Facebook" challenge.  I am not taking part this year.  Not because I'm not thankful but because it still is hard to find the good in things somedays when I am so sad.  Plus my friends don't want to hear "I'm thankful for Gigi who makes me laugh," or "I'm thankful for my baby girl who loves me more than I deserve." 

So I'll use my blog instead.  Tonight I am very thankful for my Gigi.  My heart.  My baby.  I love her more than she will ever know or realize - and I'm beginning to think the feeling is mutual.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Gifts

I love giving gifts.  I love picking up on little hints even if people don't know they are hints and surprising someone with a thoughtful gift that even they didn't realize how badly they wanted.  I've been known to wrap up all sorts of little trinkets and let someone unwrap them all and then "whoops" I forgot the card.  Give that to them last and in the card it says the trinkets are just for show that their REAL gift is tickets to a sporting event.  (I took my now ex-husband to a Chiefs game - he is a lifelong fan and had never seen them in Kansas City - I scored excellent tickets and took him to a game - yes, I rock :) )

I've been known to buy something in February for a Christmas gift (and then sometimes I forget I have it and then get something different and then find it randomly the next June and give a 'just because' gift).  I LIKE doing this.  No one in my life has ever lived up to my expectations in this department because I think everyone should be like me and able to pick up on things. 

My Daddy?  He was possibly the hardest person to buy gifts for.  He was the man who had everything and then some.  And if he wanted something?  There was no patience, he would buy it for himself.  So gift giving was always...a treat with him.  I would sometimes resort to gift cards to his favorite pilot store because a. I knew he would put it to good use and b. I didn't have a gajillion dollars to buy what he REALLY wanted from that store.

One year just after he had purchased his Cessna 182 - affectionately known as Ruby - I bought him a pilots bag in blazing red to match.  He didn't know he wanted it.  But he LOVED that bag.  He used it everytime he took Ruby for a little fly. 

One year I bought him an airplane of shiny polished wood from a kiosk in the mall.  He didn't even know that something like it existed but I think he liked it.  He put it up in his office.

Last year?  The mans slippers were falling apart.  Me, being me, noticed this and decided to get him new ones.  I found some wonderful sheepskin slippers with a hard bottom on them so they could be worn outside to get the paper in the mornings.  He liked them and didn't even realize he needed them until he got them. 

I purchased those slippers from a kiosk in the mall (note: if you have a hard to buy for person on your gift giving list - the holiday kiosks in the mall have fun stuff!).  I spent a small fortune on sheepskin slippers so he could replace the ugly old worn out ones.

He wore them.  For a few months.  And now?  The kiosk in the mall is back.  I walked past it last night and just got this feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I then had what I would call a rough night for the rest of it.  Crying on and off and unable to sleep.  Unsettled. 

I didn't realize until about 4:00 this morning that the reason I was unsettled was because of that stupid kiosk.  It's back.  That means the holidays are fast approaching.  That means we will have one less person with us this year.  That means those slippers that I bought him last year are sitting still looking brand new without feet to go in them. 

And you know what?  IT'S NOT FAIR.  It's not fair that he didn't get to wear his slippers more.  It's not fair that we didn't know that last Thanksgiving would be our last with him.  It's not fair that while we were snowed in on Christmas Eve and we gathered around him and listened to the Christmas story as he read from the Bible will be the last Christmas memory I have of him.  It's NOT FAIR.

He always gave my Mama gorgeous jewelry for Christmas that was purchased on either December 23 or 24.  He would go in to the jewelry store and pick something out and THEN look at the price.  It didn't matter.  He would then have the jewelry store wrap it or bring it back to the house for K or I to wrap.  It was always exciting on Christmas Eve for Mama to have a little box to open.  It was a surprise what color would be in there.  Would it be blue?  Pink?  Or just the shiny white ones?  He spoiled her and she deserved it. 

It's NOT FAIR that we will have to give thanks for all that we have all the while we are angry for what is missing.  There will be no wine on our Thanksgiving table this year because Daddy was the only one who really drank any. 

We will not be spending our sacred Christmas holidays at Mama's house.  It's too painful for all of us.  Christmas was OUR thing.  It was OUR night.  Oyster Stew, Barbecues, opening presents, grasshoppers, caramel rolls in the morning.  Mama and her many trees.  Daddy making fun of the many trees but yet somehow had pictures of EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. of them to show off to people who asked.

It's just NOT FAIR.  I want to struggle to find his gift.  I want to wrap his little boxes for Mama.  I want to tease him about being the guy out shopping on Christmas Eve.  I want to go back to last year when we were snowed in at their house and shake myself and make me realize that it was last Christmas we would spend with him.  

As we start to enter the holidays I am acutely aware of how different things are.  Of how different they will be.  I honestly would like to just skip ahead to about March 1st.  That way Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday and Valentine's Day will all be over.  The hurt that I know is coming will be a memory and not an anxiety induced dread.

It helps that there is not yet snow on the ground.  It helps knowing that this year is Gigi's year with me for Christmas.  It helps knowing that we will be in a different location (looks like the exotic locale of Bismarck, ND is calling our name for Christmas).  It helps knowing that we need to put on our happy faces for the kids.  

But it doesn't make it really any easier.  And really?  It doesn't make it more fair either.  Life is not fair...I know this.  Life is not easy...I know this as well.  I just hope and pray that for the next few months that life is as fair and as easy as it can be, for all of our sakes.  

*sigh*  Is it spring yet?