It's hitting me today. This whole Christmas thing is ACTUALLY going to happen...without my Daddy. The trees are up. The presents purchased (but not wrapped because something has to be left for the last minute, right?).
But there is such a big hole. Huge. Ginormous. There is no shopping for him this year. No trying to find the perfect gift for a hard to buy for man. No excitement from me because I found that something that was just *right* for him. Every year I took it as a challenge to find him something. Every year I somehow pulled it off and didn't resort to a musical tie or ridiculous socks.
So for the past few weeks I've been going through the motions. Being excited with Gigi but hurting inside. Thinking maybe if I just ignored it - it would happen. It would go away. It wouldn't hurt so bad.
But that is not to be. So here I sit, with Christmas Eve fast approaching and knowing that we will not be eating our traditional barbeques and oyster stew for dinner. We won't be having caramel rolls for breakfast Christmas morning at my Mama and Daddy's house while the kids playing with their new toys. We won't have prime rib or everyone's favorite prime rib sandwiches after Christmas dinner. We will just have those memories. Somehow that doesn't seem like enough.
We will be traveling this year - to be away from here. Away from the memories of Christmases past. Away from happy memories. Yes, you can call it running away. I'm okay with that. None of us can stay here this year without him. So I'm thankful for my aunt and uncle who are welcoming us into their home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Christmas isn't supposed to be sad. It is supposed to be about the birth of our Savior. This year I'm having a hard time celebrating that fabulous birth without remember the great death that we suffered this year.
Merry Christmas in Heaven Daddy. I miss you so much and can't believe that we have to celebrate this year without you. My heart is broken.
Aw Kristi, you went and made me cry! I know, sweetie, trust me, I know. It's so hard the first year. And though the pain does get better down the road, I won't lie, Christmas will never be the same again. But that's not saying it won't be good in the coming years, just different.
ReplyDeleteI find that each year, I have to just let myself have a day to truly grieve and miss my parents and what used to be. So I put on my mom's favorite Christmas album and let the tears pour. I cry for them, I cry for myself, and I let it all out. It is so healing for me. And I find that if I don't plan for my cry day, the tears will hit me when I least expect and least want them to. So let yourself cry and grieve and miss him. Sometimes it's the only way to get through. Then afterward, you can give Gracey kisses and let her love and smiling face keep you happy and warm through the holidays. *hugs*
The first we had after we lost Curtis, Craig and I went to Vegas. Yeah, it was running away but we couldn't handle it. At all. And, actually, a change of scenery did help. It gave us a chance to make new memories.
ReplyDeleteHugs.