Thursday, March 10, 2011

Guess I should update here...

I've not been in the blogging mood lately. Don't know why just have not been here.

I'm doing well. Still frustrated to not have a job and have some other things going on but I'm here today to ask for prayers and thoughts.

My grandpa (my dad's dad) just had some biopsies done. He has a mass on his lung, in his stomach and his lymph nodes are affected. Please pray for the doctors and for our family.

I will update when we know more.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

2011. The Year in Which He Will Not Be In

I've been struggling.  This post has been rolling around in my head for weeks and I just haven't been able to get it into words.

A new year.  A new start.  So new that he will not see it. 

For 32 years my dad was in my life.  He was there.  I might not have wanted him around sometimes but he was there anyway.  He will never see 2011.  He will never write down 2011 on a check.  He will not be there to see me turn 33 or see Gigi turn 6. 

I have to say that my Daddy died "last year."  It was last year that I last heard my dad's voice and was able to ask him for advice.  Last year when it was still my "parents" house instead of just my mom's. 

Last year that cancer invaded our family and my dad's brain.  Last year that we held vigil by his bed for long days.  Last year that he went through chemo and radiation.  Last year that I lost my job and my dad was the one to pick me up by my boot straps. 

Last year.

But a new year holds promises of new beginnings.  New jobs.  New ages.  New experiences.  I know he with me in my heart.  I sometimes just still wish he could be here in person.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

We Made It

It wasn't "normal." It wasn't necessarily "Merry."  But we made it.  We made it through Christmas.  It was hard, but not as hard as I had built it up to be in my mind.  It helped that we did something completely different from every other year and traveled to see family.  Usually we would just go to my Mama and Daddy's house.  We did do that on the 23rd and that was probably the hardest day.

We opened our gifts that night so we didn't have to pack those too.  No one would sit in my Daddy's chair.  Except for little Nono.  Nono has always been called "Little D" due to the fact that he looks and acts (and has a temper like) my Daddy.  Nono sat in that chair like it was his and it made my heart smile.  Somehow anyone else sitting in that chair would have made it that much harder. 

The kids had fun.  The adults made it through and that's what matters. 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

This is Happening...

It's hitting me today.  This whole Christmas thing is ACTUALLY going to happen...without my Daddy.  The trees are up.  The presents purchased (but not wrapped because something has to be left for the last minute, right?). 

But there is such a big hole.  Huge.  Ginormous.  There is no shopping for him this year.  No trying to find the perfect gift for a hard to buy for man.  No excitement from me because I found that something that was just *right* for him.  Every year I took it as a challenge to find him something.  Every year I somehow pulled it off and didn't resort to a musical tie or ridiculous socks. 

So for the past few weeks I've been going through the motions.  Being excited with Gigi but hurting inside.  Thinking maybe if I just ignored it - it would happen.  It would go away.  It wouldn't hurt so bad.

But that is not to be.  So here I sit, with Christmas Eve fast approaching and knowing that we will not be eating our traditional barbeques and oyster stew for dinner.  We won't be having caramel rolls for breakfast Christmas morning at my Mama and Daddy's house while the kids playing with their new toys.  We won't have prime rib or everyone's favorite prime rib sandwiches after Christmas dinner.  We will just have those memories.  Somehow that doesn't seem like enough.

We will be traveling this year - to be away from here.  Away from the memories of Christmases past.  Away from happy memories.  Yes, you can call it running away.  I'm okay with that.  None of us can stay here this year without him.  So I'm thankful for my aunt and uncle who are welcoming us into their home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. 

Christmas isn't supposed to be sad.  It is supposed to be about the birth of our Savior.  This year I'm having a hard time celebrating that fabulous birth without remember the great death that we suffered this year. 

Merry Christmas in Heaven Daddy.  I miss you so much and can't believe that we have to celebrate this year without you.  My heart is broken.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

December 2 - Writing

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Hmmm...I do A LOT each day that doesn't contribute to my writing.  But honestly I don't want to change it.  Unless I start making money from this little blog THEN I would consider eliminating the things I do each day that distract me. 

The list is long...
*The Internet
*reading other blogs
*my "stories" LOL

I'd like a job.  Then we'll talk about eliminating things!!

December 1 - One Word

Yes I know that it is December 9th but as part of Reverb 10 I will do a post from each day starting with December 1st. 

The Prompt for December 1st is One Word.

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

One Word, huh?  My one word for December would be...HARD. 

2010 has been a hard year.  From the very beginning of the year I had hope that it would be a good year.  I rang in 2010 snuggled up with my little girl by my side and just *knew* it was going to be a good year.  Apparently I was wrong. 

From my mom's concussion, to losing my job 3 days after I turned 32, to my dad having health issues that turned into a brain tumor that turned in to brain surgery that turned into brain cancer and an infection that ultimately killed him. 

We had plans.  Plans for the future.  Plans for the present.  Plans.  We didn't know that last Christmas was our last Christmas with my Daddy.  We didn't know that our little family being snowed in last year with Daddy reading the Christmas story from the Bible and singing Silent Night with candles would be our last Christmas memories of him.  Us all wearing our matching jammies (even him!) on Christmas morning. 

It's hard to know that this year will be so...different.  Everything is.

2010 - it was HARD.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Haven't blogged in awhile...just haven't been in the mood.  Christmas is hard :(

There is a project going on called Reverb 10 that I should've started blogging about on December 1st but I didn't so I'm going to start tomorrow.  Basically the premise is that the website provides prompts for each day of December to reflect on 2010.  It's 10:15 so I'm not going to start tonight but will do a couple tomorrow and couple the next day until I catch up. 

Until then...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  A day that used to be fun and full of eating and a day this year that is filled with trepidation, fear and sadness.  This will be the first real holiday without my Daddy. 

Even though he is not here there are so many things to be thankful for.  It's time to count my blessings and not dwell on the fact that he is not here.

I'm thankful that I got to have a Daddy for 32 years.  Some people don't get that.  I'm thankful that I have so many wonderful memories of him and can remember all the fun we had and the laughs we shared and try to forget the fights and the bad times. 

I'm thankful that he loved me so much and that I had the opportunity to love him.  I'm thankful that both of my parents "rescued" me and helped me get on my feet.  I'm thankful that I still have my wonderful Mama and that we will be together for Thanksgiving this year. 

I'm thankful that we have the kids - who are forcing the adults to BE adults and not wallow in our sadness during this holiday.  I'm thankful that I got to spend so many Thanksgivings with my family so that we have memories like putting up the Christmas lights, Daddy always washing the dishes to put in the dishwasher (beginning the "why are you washing the dishes before we put the dishes in the dishwasher" argument), eating pumpkin pie, drinking red wine (even though Daddy loved the dry icky stuff - he was always nice and shared), and there are so many others.

I'm thankful that each one of his grandkids got to at least meet him even if the won't have many memories of him.  He loved those kids...and they loved him. 

I'm thankful that we didn't know that last year was our last Thanksgiving with him...our last Christmas...our last everything.  I think of my friend E, whose mother is dying of cancer, and how each and every holiday it is known that is *could* be the last.  I admire their strength to be able to get through it.  We just have memories of the holidays being good.  Of him sitting in the chair reading the Christmas story from the Bible last Christmas Eve because the roads were too bad to get to church. 

I'm thankful that he taught me to fight for ME.  I'm having some health issues and am frustrated but will keep on seeking answers because "I don't know" is NOT a good enough answer for me. 

I'm thankful that we got the chance to say goodbye.  Even if we didn't want to...he left this earth knowing just how much he was loved and he left each one of us with the knowledge of how much he loved us.  I'm thankful that I know that when he left this earthly life there was eternal life waiting for him.  I'm thankful for my faith and the people that have taught me to believe so I know that this was not the end for him.

I'm thankful for his friends - who have been so diligent on checking up on my Mama and making sure she is okay.  I'm thankful for the friends that have checked up on all of us, knowing that this time of the year is not an easy one.

Today for the first time I had to go through my medical history and actually add that my father was in fact deceased and had cancer.  That was HARD.  I'm not going to lie, there were tears.  But the friendly nurse and doctor was so great.  Like they were sent to be here at this time to give me some comfort.  They both said, "that's so hard.  I'm so sorry." and meant it.  It *is* hard.  It sucks. 

Please remember to keep all of us in your prayers, to get through this difficult time without my Daddy.  To figure out a way to find joy in this season for the kids while the adults would like to curl up and make the whole season just go away. 

I'm thankful that part of the reason that this time of the year is so hard is that my family always made our holidays special.  We may not have always had a huge amount of presents or even got along but I was always acutely aware that I was loved.  I knew that my family was doing their best to make memories.  I cherish those now.

Happy Thanksgiving (to all my American friends at least - sorry Canadians I'm a little late!).  I'm certainly going to count my blessings while we try to get through the day.