Saturday, January 8, 2011

2011. The Year in Which He Will Not Be In

I've been struggling.  This post has been rolling around in my head for weeks and I just haven't been able to get it into words.

A new year.  A new start.  So new that he will not see it. 

For 32 years my dad was in my life.  He was there.  I might not have wanted him around sometimes but he was there anyway.  He will never see 2011.  He will never write down 2011 on a check.  He will not be there to see me turn 33 or see Gigi turn 6. 

I have to say that my Daddy died "last year."  It was last year that I last heard my dad's voice and was able to ask him for advice.  Last year when it was still my "parents" house instead of just my mom's. 

Last year that cancer invaded our family and my dad's brain.  Last year that we held vigil by his bed for long days.  Last year that he went through chemo and radiation.  Last year that I lost my job and my dad was the one to pick me up by my boot straps. 

Last year.

But a new year holds promises of new beginnings.  New jobs.  New ages.  New experiences.  I know he with me in my heart.  I sometimes just still wish he could be here in person.

1 comment:

  1. I feel for you and know where your at right now. I was only 17 when the cancer took my dad and it's been 13 almost 14 years now but I remember like it was yesterday. Those first holidays, just getting through. I won't tell you it ever stops hurting, but it gets easier to deal with the pain and remember the good without it hurting so bad. Just keep trying to find joy in the little things. Sending you good thoughts and ((hugs))