Most days I go about my day - normal but with a bit of sadness. Some days I wake up sad and am just in the sad funk all day. Some days I wake up and think "this is the day that I will go without shedding a tear" and the grief sneaks up on me.
I am having ginormous motivation issues. GINORMOUS. Gigi is at school, I have no job, I have NOTHING to do but clean and organize my house. But yet? I don't. I don't know why.
It may be tied to the fact that my house *is* my dad. My dad came with me to buy it. My told TOLD me to buy it and that he would help me fix it up. I had a 'Daddy Do' list instead of a 'honey do' list. My Mama told me when I got my house cleaned up and organized that she would help me and get a handyman to help finish the projects that are started. I don't WANT a handyman to finish the projects my dad started. I want my dad to do it. (picture me with my arms crossed like a defiant toddler).
My mess is somehow comforting to me. Comfort in knowing that no one else is going to come in and do these projects. Like I'm waiting for my dad to come down from Heaven to do it or something. I am comforted by having a mess around me. Don't go all "Hoarders" on me because I don't hoard. I just am not organized at my house. My Mama is going to try though!
Today I had all day to get stuff done. ALLLLLL day. What did I get done? Not much. I am pretty darn good at Bubble Pop on Facebook though. Truth is...even with two antidepressants and one anti anxiety med...I'm depressed. I want to sleep my life away. When Gigi is home I have to be a productive person - she needs to be fed, bathed, read to, etc. When she is at school or with her dad? I'm a lump. L.U.M.P. I find comfort in that too. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and my motivation will just be there. That somehow in my sleep my Daddy's energizer bunnyish ways (totally words!) will be transferred to me and I will magically get things done. Not happening.
Besides getting nothing done today I had an okay day. I wasn't particularly sad or melancholy. I went to pick Gigi up at church and we had supper there. Sat with a woman from our congregation who knows me and Gigi and knew of my mom and dad but never realized they were my parents or that I was their daughter. She asked how the job search went this summer and I immediately got choked up and told her my dad had passed away. She asked why. I told her. Then I mentioned that she knew who my parents were and the moment of recognition hit her face and immediately I got the "I'm so so sorry" look.
I did my best to hold back the tears but they sneak up so quickly. Grief is a sneaky little thing. She asked if we got quality time. Quality time? Well, yes. Enough time? Not in a million zillion years. I don't thing an infinite amount of time would have been enough.
Many people see me in public, at church or dropping Gigi off at school. I'm told how strong I am...how well I've handled "things." Things being what...being a single mom, my dad getting terminally ill, dying a short two months later, losing my job, having no money and having no idea how to pay my freaking bills..."things." I'm glad that they think I'm doing well.
The truth? I'm not. I'm a mess. I feel like I could breakdown and cry at any given moment whether it is appropriate or not. I struggle day to day with motivation. I struggle to not come back after getting Gigi off to school and just lay in my bed languishing the day away. I struggle. There will be glimmers of hope - a day full of laundry washing perhaps - but that is followed by days and days of darkness.
I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad. I'm depressed. Someday? I won't be. I just have to keep looking for that silver lining and for the days that grief doesn't sneak up on me.
Showing posts with label Single Parent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Single Parent. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sleeping...
Sleeping is something I used to enjoy so much. I could go to bed early and wake up late. Sleep all day. It was not unusual for me to say at 8:00 pm "I'm tired and going to sleep." That is until the day Gigi entered my life.
Gigi? Is not a sleeper. She does not enjoy the act of snuggling under the blankets and just BEING. When she wakes up in the morning she is awake. For good. No snooze button. No leisurely cartoons snuggled up with Mama. She's UP!
Going to sleep for her is a chore. She doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it. Mention a nap and it's a meltdown. Now that school has started we are getting into a rountine of her being asleep by 8:30 and this is EARLY by her standards. She is a night owl and can easily stay up late and usually will then sleep in the next morning until 9:00 or 10:00 (yes, I know I'm lucky she sleeps this late. I just wish it wasn't a FIGHT to get her there - seriously, when she was a baby and toddler I would have bruises from her literally fighting me not to go to sleep).
This morning at 4:00 am she decided she was awake. 4:00 AM. There isn't even any kids shows on regular cable at 4:00 am. She hasn't seen 4:00 am since she was a baby and that was a wake up and eat time and then go back to sleep until 9:00. 4:00 am. *yawn*
So since I don't want to introduce the fact to her that in fact Nick Jr and Sprout are on ALL.NIGHT.LONG. we watched an infomercial instead. In my mind it would be so boring she would go back to sleep.
Nope. Now she thinks that a Shark Steam Pocket cleaner thing would be "fun." Well truth be told I think it would be fun too but not $100 of money I don't have fun. So...the infomercial didn't work. She was just awake. At 4:00 am did I mention that? Funny thing is that my Daddy LOVED gadgets and would probably like the Steam Pocket thingy. The man was the first person I knew to own a Salad Shooter. I saw an ad for U-Glu the other day and actually ordered some because it makes me think of him. FYI? U-Glu does NOT live up to my expectations.
Anyway, finally at about 5:00 I put her back in bed and turned the TV on. Being the fabulous mother I am The George Lopez show was on Nick at Nite so she watched that until Dora came on. I fell back asleep for a bit but she has been awake since 4:00 am.
After school a boy ran into her and knocked her down. She had a teeny tiny scrape but cried for 25 minutes and "never wants to go back to that school again because kids are mean!" Drama queen much? She also has a new friend on the playgroud she calls Anty because he likes to put ants down her shirt. I explained that sometimes boys just like to do silly things like that because they want to be her friend. How can I tell her not to call him Anty when I think it's absolutely hilarious that she calls him that?
Again...Mother of The YEAR award winner here.
She is with Daddy right now and I pick her up in about 20 minutes. Let's hope it won't take her a super long time to unwind from his house and go to sleep. And she better sleep past 4:00 tomorrow morning or I'm totally ditching her on the couch with Sprout and going back to sleep.
And my love of sleep? It's still there but sleep does NOT come easy these days. At night I lay down in the dark and memories come flooding back of things I don't want to remember. Like the sound of my dad's breath that last week. Or the way his face look right after he died. How still the room was that early morning. How when I put my head on his chest his heart wasn't beating away. It's hard for me to get these things out of my head so I lay there until I fall asleep from pure exhaustion. Let's hope tonight will be a little earlier bedtime for me and little later wake up time for Gigi.
Gigi? Is not a sleeper. She does not enjoy the act of snuggling under the blankets and just BEING. When she wakes up in the morning she is awake. For good. No snooze button. No leisurely cartoons snuggled up with Mama. She's UP!
Going to sleep for her is a chore. She doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it. Mention a nap and it's a meltdown. Now that school has started we are getting into a rountine of her being asleep by 8:30 and this is EARLY by her standards. She is a night owl and can easily stay up late and usually will then sleep in the next morning until 9:00 or 10:00 (yes, I know I'm lucky she sleeps this late. I just wish it wasn't a FIGHT to get her there - seriously, when she was a baby and toddler I would have bruises from her literally fighting me not to go to sleep).
This morning at 4:00 am she decided she was awake. 4:00 AM. There isn't even any kids shows on regular cable at 4:00 am. She hasn't seen 4:00 am since she was a baby and that was a wake up and eat time and then go back to sleep until 9:00. 4:00 am. *yawn*
So since I don't want to introduce the fact to her that in fact Nick Jr and Sprout are on ALL.NIGHT.LONG. we watched an infomercial instead. In my mind it would be so boring she would go back to sleep.
Nope. Now she thinks that a Shark Steam Pocket cleaner thing would be "fun." Well truth be told I think it would be fun too but not $100 of money I don't have fun. So...the infomercial didn't work. She was just awake. At 4:00 am did I mention that? Funny thing is that my Daddy LOVED gadgets and would probably like the Steam Pocket thingy. The man was the first person I knew to own a Salad Shooter. I saw an ad for U-Glu the other day and actually ordered some because it makes me think of him. FYI? U-Glu does NOT live up to my expectations.
Anyway, finally at about 5:00 I put her back in bed and turned the TV on. Being the fabulous mother I am The George Lopez show was on Nick at Nite so she watched that until Dora came on. I fell back asleep for a bit but she has been awake since 4:00 am.
After school a boy ran into her and knocked her down. She had a teeny tiny scrape but cried for 25 minutes and "never wants to go back to that school again because kids are mean!" Drama queen much? She also has a new friend on the playgroud she calls Anty because he likes to put ants down her shirt. I explained that sometimes boys just like to do silly things like that because they want to be her friend. How can I tell her not to call him Anty when I think it's absolutely hilarious that she calls him that?
Again...Mother of The YEAR award winner here.
She is with Daddy right now and I pick her up in about 20 minutes. Let's hope it won't take her a super long time to unwind from his house and go to sleep. And she better sleep past 4:00 tomorrow morning or I'm totally ditching her on the couch with Sprout and going back to sleep.
And my love of sleep? It's still there but sleep does NOT come easy these days. At night I lay down in the dark and memories come flooding back of things I don't want to remember. Like the sound of my dad's breath that last week. Or the way his face look right after he died. How still the room was that early morning. How when I put my head on his chest his heart wasn't beating away. It's hard for me to get these things out of my head so I lay there until I fall asleep from pure exhaustion. Let's hope tonight will be a little earlier bedtime for me and little later wake up time for Gigi.
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