Homesick

Last night was a tough night for some reason.  It was one of those gut-wrenching-literal-pain-in-my-heart nights.  I cried and cried.  Finally cried myself to sleep about 2:00 am. 

While on the computer last night I stumbled upon the following song (it's amazing what you find when you Google "Sad Christian songs.")  It actually didn't upload to my iPod before bed last night or I probably would've cried even harder.  I wanted to listen to it but it somehow didn't upload. 

HOMESICK

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now


Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now


In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again


To see you again


And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow


Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

-MercyMe

You see, I had an entire post on how I was homesick before I even heard of this song.  Yes, I live in my own house.  Yes, I have my own family.  But I no longer have 'my parents' home to go to.  It's my Mama's house.  Somethings missing there.  SomeONE is missing there. 

I flounder about the day feeling like I have no where to belong.  My home isn't comfortable because it makes me miss my Daddy.  My Mama's house makes me miss my Daddy.  Its a similar feeling to when my parents sold the house I grew up in.  I didn't feel like I had a "home" to go to anymore.  Little did I realize then how soon their new house would become "home" because that's where the family was.  Home really is where my family is.

But part of my family is missing.  Part of my heart is gone.  He is in Heaven waiting for us, but here on earth we miss him.  A.LOT.  Someday we will get to see him in our heavenly home and we won't be homesick anymore.

For now, we grieve.  We wait.  We feel homesick.  We cling to each other through this process.  We have no control over our emotions.

On this anniversary of 9/11 I look back to where I was that day and how lost I felt then.  That was nothing like the feeling I have now, but it was the first time that I felt many of these feelings that I am experiencing now.  I didn't know anyone that perished that day but had a connection somehow to them.  They were just going about their regular lives, working their regular days and someone decided to take their lives from them. 

My Mama and I had visited the World Trade Center in April of 2001.  We ate dinner at the 'Top of the World.'  My boyfriend at the time (now my ex-husband) was working IN the towers for a month for training.  We went to visit him and he proudly showed off the wonder that was the Twin Towers.  We have goofy pictures of us at the top on the observation deck and in the gift shop.  Just a short 5 months later those buildings would be...gone.  An amazing wonder of arcitecture and American Spirit...reduced to a large pile of rubble.

I have not been back to NYC since then.  I hope to get there someday and visit the site that I have seen and heard and read so much about.  I hope to visit the memorial and pray for the victims families like I do here but have some sort of connection to what happened that awful day.  I can't believe it's been 9 years.

Someday I hope I can look back and read this and see how much I was struggling at this point.  I hope I can look back and see a different person - I hope I can see how broken I truly am but I hope by that point that I have learned to live with the brokenness and not be so sad everyday anymore.

One Month Ago...

I said goodbye to my Daddy. Now I know what you are thinking - didn't he die on July 13th? Yes, he did. But in my mind? July 5th was the last day my Daddy was with *me.* This is the day that I said goodbye. That I made sincere promises that I intend to keep. The day that I got my last Daddy hug :( Others still had interaction with him for a couple days after that. But I said goodbye and was at peace with that.

It's really hard to believe it's been a month. It seems so long ago and yet so short. Craziness. But really it's been longer than a month since I've heard his voice, or been able to ask him a question that didn't include "squeeze my hand if you understand" at the end of it. I'm mad that my Daddy wasn't able to be my Daddy at the end. And I'm sad. I miss him. I miss his commanding presence in a room. I miss the no nonsense way he made decisions. I miss him telling me what to do. Mostly? I miss seeing he and my Mama interact.

My broken heart was broken into even more teeny tiny little pieces with the news this morning of my friend J's husband, J. Hearing a diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer is so difficult. Knowing that she and her daughters will be walking down an all too familiar road way too soon? It makes me cry and my heart hurt. I hope that their walk will be longer - not more painful - but longer timewise than our walk. I hope that they get more time with him than we got with my Daddy. Time is such a precious gift.

This is where it is HARD to continue to not ask why. I don't want to, but WHY? Why all the good ones Lord? Why? I know that in reality all the people on this earth are not ours and belong to Him and he can choose when. But it hurts.

Since I've already wrestled with the vision of what heaven is like I have to believe that people looking down from heaven either cannot see the pain that we are in or know the big secret as to WHY we are in pain. I choose to believe that they are in on the secret. My Daddy can look down on me and see me hurting, but understands that I hurt for a reason...a goal...a greater good. Sometimes I wish I could be in on the secret too so I could explain to other people. But alas, that is not to be.

I celebrated Miracle Treat Day today at the Dairy Queen with Gigi, my Mama, K and Lulu. We took a break from back to school shopping to eat some yummy ice cream for the great cause of the Children's Miracle Network. I was telling Gigi on the way home that it was Miracle Treat Day and she asked me, "Mama? What's a Miracle?" I explained it to her the best way I could by telling her that a miracle was something good happening that we didn't expect. Like if someone walked up and handed me a check for $1,000 that would be a miracle. And you know what she said? "Would a miracle be like if Papa was able to come back from Heaven?"

Yes, Gigi. That WOULD be a miracle. I don't think he would want to because as a picture that our neighbor drew for us says "He's comfy in heaven." I have to believe that. I smile everytime I see that picture. He's comfy in heaven.

And for a short bit of happy news - my very good friend Sasa had an ultrasound today and found out she is having a little girl!!! Let the shopping begin! :D