One Month Ago...

I said goodbye to my Daddy. Now I know what you are thinking - didn't he die on July 13th? Yes, he did. But in my mind? July 5th was the last day my Daddy was with *me.* This is the day that I said goodbye. That I made sincere promises that I intend to keep. The day that I got my last Daddy hug :( Others still had interaction with him for a couple days after that. But I said goodbye and was at peace with that.

It's really hard to believe it's been a month. It seems so long ago and yet so short. Craziness. But really it's been longer than a month since I've heard his voice, or been able to ask him a question that didn't include "squeeze my hand if you understand" at the end of it. I'm mad that my Daddy wasn't able to be my Daddy at the end. And I'm sad. I miss him. I miss his commanding presence in a room. I miss the no nonsense way he made decisions. I miss him telling me what to do. Mostly? I miss seeing he and my Mama interact.

My broken heart was broken into even more teeny tiny little pieces with the news this morning of my friend J's husband, J. Hearing a diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer is so difficult. Knowing that she and her daughters will be walking down an all too familiar road way too soon? It makes me cry and my heart hurt. I hope that their walk will be longer - not more painful - but longer timewise than our walk. I hope that they get more time with him than we got with my Daddy. Time is such a precious gift.

This is where it is HARD to continue to not ask why. I don't want to, but WHY? Why all the good ones Lord? Why? I know that in reality all the people on this earth are not ours and belong to Him and he can choose when. But it hurts.

Since I've already wrestled with the vision of what heaven is like I have to believe that people looking down from heaven either cannot see the pain that we are in or know the big secret as to WHY we are in pain. I choose to believe that they are in on the secret. My Daddy can look down on me and see me hurting, but understands that I hurt for a reason...a goal...a greater good. Sometimes I wish I could be in on the secret too so I could explain to other people. But alas, that is not to be.

I celebrated Miracle Treat Day today at the Dairy Queen with Gigi, my Mama, K and Lulu. We took a break from back to school shopping to eat some yummy ice cream for the great cause of the Children's Miracle Network. I was telling Gigi on the way home that it was Miracle Treat Day and she asked me, "Mama? What's a Miracle?" I explained it to her the best way I could by telling her that a miracle was something good happening that we didn't expect. Like if someone walked up and handed me a check for $1,000 that would be a miracle. And you know what she said? "Would a miracle be like if Papa was able to come back from Heaven?"

Yes, Gigi. That WOULD be a miracle. I don't think he would want to because as a picture that our neighbor drew for us says "He's comfy in heaven." I have to believe that. I smile everytime I see that picture. He's comfy in heaven.

And for a short bit of happy news - my very good friend Sasa had an ultrasound today and found out she is having a little girl!!! Let the shopping begin! :D