Attitude

The saying goes, "Attitude is EVERYTHING." 

And it is.  Attitude *is* everything.  When my Daddy was first diagnosed the doctor told us that.  That his attitude would determine his fate basically.

You know what sucks?  His attitude DIDN'T determine his fate.  I have never seen anyone have a better attitude when facing someting as serious as brain cancer.  My Daddy was a fighter, he fought HARD.  He worked HARD to get back on his feet literally.  He worked hard in speech therapy and physical therapy and occupational therapy to gain back as much as he could. 

He knew that glioblastomas weren't 'beatable.'  He knew that he probably had 5 years at the most.  The radiologist told him the longest he'd had a patient live with a glioblastoma was 5 years.  My Daddy was going to live for 6.  He was fighter.  He was stubborn and wasn't going to let something like a brain tumor get him down.

I wish in my Daddy's case that attitude WAS everything because he would still be on this earth with us right now.  I have a hard time hearing stories of people who have beat their illness that they weren't supposed to beat.  Don't get me wrong, I rejoice with them and I still pray for them - but I have a hard time hearing of others beating the unbeatable.  I feel like if someone was going to beat the unbeatable - it should've been my Daddy.  Afterall, he had the right attitude.  He had the fight.  He had the determination and yes, he had the stubborness.

A few weeks ago someone said, "It just went so fast.  He must have been ready to go."  It was not meant to be a put down for my Daddy.  But the first place my head went was NO...he was not ready to "go."  He was in the very end but my Daddy was a fighter.  I told this person through my angry hot tears, "He fought REALLY HARD."  And he did.  I feel the need to defend his fight...his attitude.

You see, some people are given a diagnosis such as my dad's and they give up.  Why fight the inevitable?  Why fight a disease that is going to ravage your body...yourself.  My Daddy did NOT have that attitude.  He had a fight until the bitter end attitude.

It's weird...I hear stories of people suffering a fate similar to my dad's and I want to will them to beat it.  I pray and pray and want to send all the energy I can to their family and friends to help them fight it.  Because that's what my dad would want. 

So if you tell me a story of someone who beat the odds, I may cry.  I may sob in fact.  I'm still getting over the fact that my Daddy did everything right in regards to attitude.  I'm angry that in my Daddy's case attitude didn't make him live longer.  It didn't make him beat the unbeatable.  It's not fair.

Yup, I said it.  IT'S NOT FAIR.  But life isn't fair.  We lose people we love.  Awesome people are dealt heavy blows.  In my Daddy's case attitude WASN'T everything - but I'm still choosing to live my life with that old saying. 

On another note, it's funny how I can be laughing and joking one moment and crying the next with a simple word.  Not even a word such as 'glioblastoma' or 'brain cancer.'  The word that set me off last night?  Decadron.  Don't know what it is?  It's a steroid.  A powerful one.  It's the last drug that we took my dad off of besides the pain medication.  We were hoping that keeping him on the Decadron would help with the swelling in his brain so we could get a few more sentences or alert moments out of him.  Didn't work, but we tried. 

So for the people at my meeting last night...I apologize that a simple word sent me into a tailspin.  I was actually having the best time I've had for awhile and was laughing - usually that doesn't happen unless Gigi or one of my nephews is around.  So thanks for laughing with me.  And thanks for the hugs and for crying with me. :)