Homesick

Last night was a tough night for some reason.  It was one of those gut-wrenching-literal-pain-in-my-heart nights.  I cried and cried.  Finally cried myself to sleep about 2:00 am. 

While on the computer last night I stumbled upon the following song (it's amazing what you find when you Google "Sad Christian songs.")  It actually didn't upload to my iPod before bed last night or I probably would've cried even harder.  I wanted to listen to it but it somehow didn't upload. 

HOMESICK

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now


Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home


I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now


In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again


To see you again


And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow


Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

-MercyMe

You see, I had an entire post on how I was homesick before I even heard of this song.  Yes, I live in my own house.  Yes, I have my own family.  But I no longer have 'my parents' home to go to.  It's my Mama's house.  Somethings missing there.  SomeONE is missing there. 

I flounder about the day feeling like I have no where to belong.  My home isn't comfortable because it makes me miss my Daddy.  My Mama's house makes me miss my Daddy.  Its a similar feeling to when my parents sold the house I grew up in.  I didn't feel like I had a "home" to go to anymore.  Little did I realize then how soon their new house would become "home" because that's where the family was.  Home really is where my family is.

But part of my family is missing.  Part of my heart is gone.  He is in Heaven waiting for us, but here on earth we miss him.  A.LOT.  Someday we will get to see him in our heavenly home and we won't be homesick anymore.

For now, we grieve.  We wait.  We feel homesick.  We cling to each other through this process.  We have no control over our emotions.

On this anniversary of 9/11 I look back to where I was that day and how lost I felt then.  That was nothing like the feeling I have now, but it was the first time that I felt many of these feelings that I am experiencing now.  I didn't know anyone that perished that day but had a connection somehow to them.  They were just going about their regular lives, working their regular days and someone decided to take their lives from them. 

My Mama and I had visited the World Trade Center in April of 2001.  We ate dinner at the 'Top of the World.'  My boyfriend at the time (now my ex-husband) was working IN the towers for a month for training.  We went to visit him and he proudly showed off the wonder that was the Twin Towers.  We have goofy pictures of us at the top on the observation deck and in the gift shop.  Just a short 5 months later those buildings would be...gone.  An amazing wonder of arcitecture and American Spirit...reduced to a large pile of rubble.

I have not been back to NYC since then.  I hope to get there someday and visit the site that I have seen and heard and read so much about.  I hope to visit the memorial and pray for the victims families like I do here but have some sort of connection to what happened that awful day.  I can't believe it's been 9 years.

Someday I hope I can look back and read this and see how much I was struggling at this point.  I hope I can look back and see a different person - I hope I can see how broken I truly am but I hope by that point that I have learned to live with the brokenness and not be so sad everyday anymore.