I try to learn something new everyday. It may not be a huge skill and maybe only a little factoid (speaking of - did you know the pieces from the game of Tetris are called "Tetriminos?" There were some college kids dressed up as them today and I told them that little tidbit. They didn't look at me like I was crazy. At all. *sigh*).
Today I learned several things.
1. I may be coming out of the dark so to speak. The depression that has enveloped me probably since my Daddy's diagnosis is starting to look a little brighter. There really may be a blazing sun at the end of this super long tunnel. Took long enough and if my Daddy was here? He would be SO ANGRY at me for being sad this long.
2. I like being busy again. I had a meeting this morning for a super secret project (haha now you wanna know!), a football game at 1:00 (my Augie Vikings? 9-0. 9-0! So proud to be a Viking fan today. A blue and gold Viking fan that is), church at 5:00 and then my Mama and I booked it to the Augie volleyball game to see the last 10 minutes of play. Game started at 5:30 but we were at church so we just came late.
3. Confirmation weekend? Not a good time to bring friends to church who are wanting to check out my church. We had a baptism, a milestone and then confirmation. Along with communion. Not usually indicative of our normal services. Great to see, yes but when I tell the Z family that our church is pretty casual and jeans are just fine and then a bunch of people show up dressed to the nines because they are visitors to our church and are there for confirmation? (Holy run on sentence batman!) Makes me look like a liar. And afterall, I am on the top of the sinner list. My pastor told me.
4. I was asked to transcribe an interview for my volunteer job. I'm an AWFUL transcriber. Seriously. Really bad. Especially when people talk fast. Maybe that's a hint to me to SLOW DOWN. Huh...imagine that.
Those are just things I learned TODAY!
This week I also learned that it's fun to use my brain again. I'm volunteering on the PR team at the American Cancer Society of South Dakota. I feel smart. I feel like maybe my fancy edumacation might lead somewhere. It feels WONDERFUL to talk to adults in a business setting again. I love it.
I learned that Gigi is doing brilliantly at school. I had her first parent/teacher conference and her teacher just kept telling me how kind and considerate she was to others. It was almost enough for me to tear up. Almost. She needs to work on slowing down too, when she is drawing and writing. Other than that she is resourceful and a joy to have in class! Yay Gigi! I was bursting after that conference.
I learned that Gigi's school can still lose her. LOL. Wednesday evening activities didn't go as planned and when I got to school to pick her up we couldn't find her. Deja vu much? I found her safe and sound with her church school friends but was thinking - seriously? Seriously.
I learned that giving a box of Cupcake Pebbles to a five year old to snack on (or "cupcake petals" as they are referred to here) is NOT a good idea. Everywhere. They are EVERYWHERE.
I also learned that that same five year old will look at me and say, "Mama, my tummy hurts" and it will be less than five seconds before the puke hits the floor. FIVE SECONDS. Warning. I need warning!
I learned that Family Ties, Doogie Howser MD and The Wonder Years are on TV again. It's like my childhood! Alex P. Keaton - I will always love you. The Hub rocks.
The biggest thing that I learned this week? That I can still be sad. I can still miss my Daddy. I can still love my Daddy. But I don't have to cry all the time. I will let the tears come when they want and I know that there may be more bad days than good.
I know that my Daddy would be proud of me for my new "job." Not only am I using my brain but I'm using it for good. Working with the American Cancer Society means that I might make a difference. I might be part of something that saves someone else's Daddy. And that's what I want. I don't want anyone to go through the pain of losing their beloved Daddy because it hurts. A lot. And the whole will never go away. We will just learn to live around it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Unexpected Mail :)
I had a card sized envelope that I received in the mail. It was addressed to *me* from the address of Buttercup, Gigi's BFF that moved away. Strange I thought.
I opened it up and found a lovely sympathy card with a simple note to let me know that they are still thinking about and praying for us. I so appreciate that!
Enclosed in the card was a silver heart in a little plastic bag and a card that said:
(The Reunion Heart was designeed as a symbol of God's promise of a reunion in heaven where there will be no more tears)
It just fit onto the chain that I wear daily with my cross so now it looks like this
(the back reads: God will wipe away your tears)
Thank you so much A family for this awesome surprise in my mailbox today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gigi and I had a very tough conversation tonight. She knows that Papa donated his body and it's at the medical school right now so that the students can learn about his cancer. So she asked me, "Mama? What if they find something in Papa that can make him be alive again?"
*sigh* How do you explain to a 5 year old that isn't going to happen? I explained the story of the Waterbugs and Dragonflies again and that Papa couldn't come back to earth. She was sad that she would never see him again.
I am sad too. On Thursday, I start as an intern/volunteer helping with public relations for the South Dakota chapter of the American Cancer Society. It will be a few hours a week to keep my mind busy and to actually use my brain again. I'm excited. And the first person I wanted to call? My Daddy. He would be excited for me too. I know he is actually. I just wish I had a direct line to Heaven so I could talk to him and he could talk back. This one sided conversation stuff is not cutting it :)
I opened it up and found a lovely sympathy card with a simple note to let me know that they are still thinking about and praying for us. I so appreciate that!
Enclosed in the card was a silver heart in a little plastic bag and a card that said:
The Reunion Heart
Since Heaven has become your home
I sometimes feel I'm so alone
and though we now are far apart
you hold a big piece of my heart
I never knew how much I'd grieve
when it was time for you to leave,
or just how much my heart would ache
from that one fragment you would take.
God lets this tender hole remain
reminding me we'll meet again,
and one day all the pain will cease
when He restores this missing piece.
He'll turn to joy my every tear
with thoughts of you I hold so dear,
and they'll become my special way
to treasure our Reunion Day
(The Reunion Heart was designeed as a symbol of God's promise of a reunion in heaven where there will be no more tears)
It just fit onto the chain that I wear daily with my cross so now it looks like this
Thank you so much A family for this awesome surprise in my mailbox today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gigi and I had a very tough conversation tonight. She knows that Papa donated his body and it's at the medical school right now so that the students can learn about his cancer. So she asked me, "Mama? What if they find something in Papa that can make him be alive again?"
*sigh* How do you explain to a 5 year old that isn't going to happen? I explained the story of the Waterbugs and Dragonflies again and that Papa couldn't come back to earth. She was sad that she would never see him again.
I am sad too. On Thursday, I start as an intern/volunteer helping with public relations for the South Dakota chapter of the American Cancer Society. It will be a few hours a week to keep my mind busy and to actually use my brain again. I'm excited. And the first person I wanted to call? My Daddy. He would be excited for me too. I know he is actually. I just wish I had a direct line to Heaven so I could talk to him and he could talk back. This one sided conversation stuff is not cutting it :)
Monday, October 25, 2010
Happy Birthday...
TO YOU!
Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday dear K!
Happy Birthday to Yoooooouuuuuu!!!
It's my sister, K's birthday! She is old. I love her anyway.
Gigi, Mama and I spent the weekend at K's house with her family. We watched Lulu play in a volleyball tournament and then went to their tiny church on Sunday morning. Interesting to go to such a small church when we usually attend such a big one. There was a children's sermon and 4 of the 6 children that were up front for it were sitting in our pew and therefore our family. LOL.
Its still hard at times when the whole family is together. Something is so glaringly missing. I did have my first dream about my Daddy while at my sister's house this weekend. I won't write about it now because it contains some choice words (from him of course), but it was nice to see him in my dreams.
I have an interview tomorrow for an (unpaid) internship/volunteer position in public relations for the local chapter of The American Cancer Society. Wish me luck! I'm trying to dredge up some articles and press releases to show her samples of my writing. It will at least give me something to do with my time if I'm "hired."
Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday dear K!
Happy Birthday to Yoooooouuuuuu!!!
It's my sister, K's birthday! She is old. I love her anyway.
Gigi, Mama and I spent the weekend at K's house with her family. We watched Lulu play in a volleyball tournament and then went to their tiny church on Sunday morning. Interesting to go to such a small church when we usually attend such a big one. There was a children's sermon and 4 of the 6 children that were up front for it were sitting in our pew and therefore our family. LOL.
Its still hard at times when the whole family is together. Something is so glaringly missing. I did have my first dream about my Daddy while at my sister's house this weekend. I won't write about it now because it contains some choice words (from him of course), but it was nice to see him in my dreams.
I have an interview tomorrow for an (unpaid) internship/volunteer position in public relations for the local chapter of The American Cancer Society. Wish me luck! I'm trying to dredge up some articles and press releases to show her samples of my writing. It will at least give me something to do with my time if I'm "hired."
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I don't want to be broken anymore...
Music is a big part of my life. I'm not a singer but I sing anyway. I listen to the radio in the car, my iPod in bed and when on the computer and sing along to the songs overhead in stores (yes, I'm THAT person. It's annoying. But deal with it, mmmmkay? :) ). Song lyrics speak to me. I like to pretend that I can sing along with them and sound good but all would not agree.
My ex-husband used to ask me why I used to sing so loudly. Well, the answer to that is I only have one volume for singing. Loud. If you don't like it? Don't play music I like (which he would gladly do and change the radio to an am sports station and I would pout. LOL.) In the car? I am Carrie freaking Underwood. I sound AWESOME.
I have a playlist on my iPod entitled "Hope." I have listened to this playlist on a continuous loop for a couple months now. Most, if not all of the songs are Christian and are trying to tell me that even though this may be a crappy time - there is hope out there. I turned the iPod on tonight - not feeling particularly down or particularly good. The first song? Alive by Avalon.
A bit of the lyrics:
I don't want to be broken anymore
Living life in a million pieces
I can see my world is changing
Waking me from my sleeping
I hear You calling, it's speaking my name
I will never be the same
I DON'T want to be broken anymore. I want to be happy. I want to wake up in the morning and not have the crushing blow that my Daddy is no longer on this earth hit me. I'm not selfish enough to wish him back, but I miss him.
My life has been in a million pieces and not just because of my Daddy's death. It was breaking before he died and flat out shattered after he was gone.
But you know what? I can see my world changing. I do feel like I may be waking up from the sleeping or from the dark place I was in. I hear God calling me to do something, anything, but be sad 24/7. I will never be the same anymore because now I have experienced true loss. No one could ever come out of the other side of that an unchanged person.
My Daddy would be so angry at me for being so sad for so long. He would say, "Get OVER it already." He wasn't one to dwell. But I think he deserves some dwelling. I think that everyone that loves him deserves to be sad that this man is not on the earth anymore.
I will admit that I am still looking for signs. I want a sign from him. A dream. Anything. I just want to know that he is looking over me and watching me. Maybe I haven't had a sign because he isn't watching me because I have been so sad. After all, Heaven is perfect - I can't believe that he can look down and see us all being sad. That would not be perfect for him. So maybe I need to be happy to get my signs from him.
I got a new phone last week because it was time for an upgrade. My Daddy was nearly an original adopter of cell phones. That man had a phone attached to his ear for a good 15 years if not 20. He got me my first phone when I went away to college so I myself have had a cell phone for 14 years. Daddy always got frustrated with his phones. My new phone? Has been acting up already. The Verizon guy nearly needed to talk me down from a panic attack because my phone froze yesterday and it hadn't worked for 30 minutes. 30 MINUTES! What if something had happened in that 30 minutes? If Gigi was hurt? Or I got an important e-mail (y'know like that someone commented on my blog?). Seriously. I need to get a grip.
After that freakout I realized maybe that was my Daddy's way of messing with me. Funny joke Daddy. Please don't make me freak out again.
Or? Maybe my Daddy is giving me signs of verses or songs that I should review. I was in a waiting room the other day and there was a picture of some football player and an article with it. I didn't read the article but very clear in the picture you could see the words "James 1: 2-3" tattooed on his arm. Hmmmm...I wonder what that verse was?
Interesting. Like when the song I wrote about last time popped into my head. Or the song that I heard tonight. Is my Daddy sending me scripture and songs? SOOOOOO not his style. But someone knew I needed to read it. I can't help but think it was him.
Last week on the 13th was 3 months since my Daddy passed away. I observed that day by finally watching the DVD that we made for his memorial. I won't lie and say it wasn't hard. But I was ready. I was ready to see my smiling, alive, funny Daddy. It didn't make me miss him more (because I don't think I can) or miss him less. It was just...him. Pictures of him with his friends, pictures of him with Mama, with K and I, and with his grandkids.
Last weekend Lulu shot her first pheasant while hunting at "Papa's lodge." She has a couple surrogate Papa's that will make sure she gets to hunt - something Daddy loved to do. He was so proud of her that day I know.
We all miss him terribly. Sometimes it's still hard to realize he is gone. My Mama's home phone number is still in my phone as "Mom and Dad home" and his cell phone number is still in my phone. I downloaded new ringtones last night and for just a moment was thinking of what would be funny for his. Then I realized that he doesn't need a ringtone anymore. Its those dumb things that send me into a crying jag, but I did find an awesome one for K and for my Mama :)
But if I didn't cry? I wouldn't be healing. I wouldn't be Alive like the song says. I don't want to be broken anymore....and I'm working on it.
My ex-husband used to ask me why I used to sing so loudly. Well, the answer to that is I only have one volume for singing. Loud. If you don't like it? Don't play music I like (which he would gladly do and change the radio to an am sports station and I would pout. LOL.) In the car? I am Carrie freaking Underwood. I sound AWESOME.
I have a playlist on my iPod entitled "Hope." I have listened to this playlist on a continuous loop for a couple months now. Most, if not all of the songs are Christian and are trying to tell me that even though this may be a crappy time - there is hope out there. I turned the iPod on tonight - not feeling particularly down or particularly good. The first song? Alive by Avalon.
A bit of the lyrics:
I don't want to be broken anymore
Living life in a million pieces
I can see my world is changing
Waking me from my sleeping
I hear You calling, it's speaking my name
I will never be the same
I DON'T want to be broken anymore. I want to be happy. I want to wake up in the morning and not have the crushing blow that my Daddy is no longer on this earth hit me. I'm not selfish enough to wish him back, but I miss him.
My life has been in a million pieces and not just because of my Daddy's death. It was breaking before he died and flat out shattered after he was gone.
But you know what? I can see my world changing. I do feel like I may be waking up from the sleeping or from the dark place I was in. I hear God calling me to do something, anything, but be sad 24/7. I will never be the same anymore because now I have experienced true loss. No one could ever come out of the other side of that an unchanged person.
My Daddy would be so angry at me for being so sad for so long. He would say, "Get OVER it already." He wasn't one to dwell. But I think he deserves some dwelling. I think that everyone that loves him deserves to be sad that this man is not on the earth anymore.
I will admit that I am still looking for signs. I want a sign from him. A dream. Anything. I just want to know that he is looking over me and watching me. Maybe I haven't had a sign because he isn't watching me because I have been so sad. After all, Heaven is perfect - I can't believe that he can look down and see us all being sad. That would not be perfect for him. So maybe I need to be happy to get my signs from him.
I got a new phone last week because it was time for an upgrade. My Daddy was nearly an original adopter of cell phones. That man had a phone attached to his ear for a good 15 years if not 20. He got me my first phone when I went away to college so I myself have had a cell phone for 14 years. Daddy always got frustrated with his phones. My new phone? Has been acting up already. The Verizon guy nearly needed to talk me down from a panic attack because my phone froze yesterday and it hadn't worked for 30 minutes. 30 MINUTES! What if something had happened in that 30 minutes? If Gigi was hurt? Or I got an important e-mail (y'know like that someone commented on my blog?). Seriously. I need to get a grip.
After that freakout I realized maybe that was my Daddy's way of messing with me. Funny joke Daddy. Please don't make me freak out again.
Or? Maybe my Daddy is giving me signs of verses or songs that I should review. I was in a waiting room the other day and there was a picture of some football player and an article with it. I didn't read the article but very clear in the picture you could see the words "James 1: 2-3" tattooed on his arm. Hmmmm...I wonder what that verse was?
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Interesting. Like when the song I wrote about last time popped into my head. Or the song that I heard tonight. Is my Daddy sending me scripture and songs? SOOOOOO not his style. But someone knew I needed to read it. I can't help but think it was him.
Last week on the 13th was 3 months since my Daddy passed away. I observed that day by finally watching the DVD that we made for his memorial. I won't lie and say it wasn't hard. But I was ready. I was ready to see my smiling, alive, funny Daddy. It didn't make me miss him more (because I don't think I can) or miss him less. It was just...him. Pictures of him with his friends, pictures of him with Mama, with K and I, and with his grandkids.
Last weekend Lulu shot her first pheasant while hunting at "Papa's lodge." She has a couple surrogate Papa's that will make sure she gets to hunt - something Daddy loved to do. He was so proud of her that day I know.
We all miss him terribly. Sometimes it's still hard to realize he is gone. My Mama's home phone number is still in my phone as "Mom and Dad home" and his cell phone number is still in my phone. I downloaded new ringtones last night and for just a moment was thinking of what would be funny for his. Then I realized that he doesn't need a ringtone anymore. Its those dumb things that send me into a crying jag, but I did find an awesome one for K and for my Mama :)
But if I didn't cry? I wouldn't be healing. I wouldn't be Alive like the song says. I don't want to be broken anymore....and I'm working on it.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Randomness
This may be the most random blog entry every but...eh...whatever :)
I'm annoyed at buying winter clothes for Gigi. It gets VERY cold here so I need warm, stylish AND affordable. Not finding much. Got her a coat, hat and mittens today. Paid $75 (!!) for boots but am returning them. That's ridiculous to spend for a 5 year old. I'm annoyed that I can't find anything that meets my standards (rated to at least -20 and removable liner). Apparently I have high ones.
Speaking of which...I stopped at a furniture store today. Found a bedroom set I love love LOVE. $10,000. $10,000!!! Are you kidding me? I saw another one I liked too $7,000. Of course those were "retail" prices and they were willing to knock 25% off. The saleswoman looked at me and told me I had expensive taste. Really? I already knew that. My Daddy taught me to appreciate nice furniture.
The political ads in South Dakota are getting absolutely ridculous. Stupid. Idiotic. I'm tired of mudslinging. I'm ready to vote for Miss Piggy instead of either candidate. Is it election day yet?
I got a new phone this week. An update of my old BlackBerry Curve. It's shiny and pink and I lurve it. Hopefully it will facilitate in me getting a new job. How? I'm not sure.
Anyway...I felt the need to have a blog post. And I don't really have much to say so I figured I'd rely on my natural sense of randomness.
You know what else is cool? Home Alone on TV. That rocks.
I'm annoyed at buying winter clothes for Gigi. It gets VERY cold here so I need warm, stylish AND affordable. Not finding much. Got her a coat, hat and mittens today. Paid $75 (!!) for boots but am returning them. That's ridiculous to spend for a 5 year old. I'm annoyed that I can't find anything that meets my standards (rated to at least -20 and removable liner). Apparently I have high ones.
Speaking of which...I stopped at a furniture store today. Found a bedroom set I love love LOVE. $10,000. $10,000!!! Are you kidding me? I saw another one I liked too $7,000. Of course those were "retail" prices and they were willing to knock 25% off. The saleswoman looked at me and told me I had expensive taste. Really? I already knew that. My Daddy taught me to appreciate nice furniture.
The political ads in South Dakota are getting absolutely ridculous. Stupid. Idiotic. I'm tired of mudslinging. I'm ready to vote for Miss Piggy instead of either candidate. Is it election day yet?
I got a new phone this week. An update of my old BlackBerry Curve. It's shiny and pink and I lurve it. Hopefully it will facilitate in me getting a new job. How? I'm not sure.
Anyway...I felt the need to have a blog post. And I don't really have much to say so I figured I'd rely on my natural sense of randomness.
You know what else is cool? Home Alone on TV. That rocks.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Good Message
Gigi and I went to church today after a fun filled day. It's homecoming at my alma mater so we hit the parade this morning (ask her how much candy she got) and then we went to the football game (ask us how wet we got when it started raining and we had walked to the game!). One of my good friends from college was here along with her husband and parents and it was AWESOME to see them this weekend. They had made the trek down for the memorial service but it was nice to actually be able to chat and remember our conversations (as I don't remember much about what happened in the week after my Daddy passed away). I have known these people since I was Gigi's age and they just enveloped us in love this weekend.
We have had unseasonably warm temps here in SoDak and we have taken advantage of that by spending any extra time outside enjoying the sunshine. I also was sick (strep throat a.k.a. 'school cooties') this week so pardon my weeklong absence.
At church tonight our wonderful Pastor preached on the gospel message of the one leper that returned to thank Jesus for healing. 10 lepers had been healed but only that ONE said thank you.
He told a story of how Satan had a rummage sale. At this rummage sale he had prices on things such as jealousy, anger and resentment. The thing that was the highest priced was off to the side and was priced the highest. That thing? Discouragement.
Ummmm...it's nice that Pastor Tim's writes his sermons JUST FOR ME, but maybe others could use a message every once in awhile? Kidding. I'm kidding...mostly.
You see, if you had talked to me in the last week you would realize just how much Satan has been knocking on my door. Discouraged I was. Discouraged I still am but I'm working on it.
Satan has been talking in my ear about how no one wants me. No one wants to even interview me. The intelligent part of me knows that a job will come...eventually. The intelligent part of me knows that I have a good (GREAT!) resume and the job market just absolutely SUCKS. The intelligent part of me even knows that I am in fact intelligent. I am not stupid.
Satan has told me that I am not intelligent, that I am not worth anything and that I am not loved. Satan overtook my brain for a few days with my discouragement.
You know what? Screw you Satan. I will NOT be discouraged anymore. Disappointed? Maybe occasionally. But I WILL count my blessings (and there are MANY) and I will not be discouraged. There is a song that Gigi learned in bible school based on Joshua 1:9 (I like the NIV translation of this verse the best)
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
And if you are singing the song you add an extra "wherever you go-o" on the end of it.
And counting my blessings...
*My wonderful neighbors (and friends!). The Ba's, the Bo's and the Z's have not only been a blessing because of their fantabulous children, but because of the friendships I have made. I live in a neighborhood where it takes a village and am LUCKY to be here.
*My church family who knows what I need to hear when I need to hear it.
*My friends that are visiting this weekend. It may have been a rocky road when we were young - but I adore my Sasa now and can't wait to meet her new little girl! Her husband is also great and her parents? My second set while we were in college.
*I am also thankful for the ability to be busy today. October 9th was my parents wedding anniversary. My Mama was busy with good friends today and I was busy too. Didn't lose it until the middle of church when Pastor Tim basically said, "Okay everyone else stop listening and I'm just going to talk to Tisti right now." (Okay FINE...he didn't actually say that but it sure felt like he should've!)
To be perfectly honest, this post is hard for me to hit publish on. Growing up I just always believed because that's what I was taught. Questioning came later, but I don't share my faith with people unless specifically asked. I'm Lutheran - we're polite and not pushy! We like potlucks with hotdishes (that'd be casseroles for anyone not from MN, SD, ND or IA).
I don't like feeling as though I may be judged for professing my faith and "talking" about how much my pastor's message hit me to the core. I know I have readers that run the gamut from athiest and agnostic to the other end of the spectrum and hope I haven't offended anyone. And now? I'm doing that people pleasing thing that my therapist says I'm supposed to stop doing! LOL.
After this busy weekend I'm also very thankful for Native American Day on Monday (what? You celebrate Columbus Day? SoDak doesn't. It's Native American Day here *rolleyes*) and an extra day off on Tuesday for Gigi and I to just chill and play and chill some more. I've missed my girl while she is at school!
We have had unseasonably warm temps here in SoDak and we have taken advantage of that by spending any extra time outside enjoying the sunshine. I also was sick (strep throat a.k.a. 'school cooties') this week so pardon my weeklong absence.
At church tonight our wonderful Pastor preached on the gospel message of the one leper that returned to thank Jesus for healing. 10 lepers had been healed but only that ONE said thank you.
He told a story of how Satan had a rummage sale. At this rummage sale he had prices on things such as jealousy, anger and resentment. The thing that was the highest priced was off to the side and was priced the highest. That thing? Discouragement.
Ummmm...it's nice that Pastor Tim's writes his sermons JUST FOR ME, but maybe others could use a message every once in awhile? Kidding. I'm kidding...mostly.
You see, if you had talked to me in the last week you would realize just how much Satan has been knocking on my door. Discouraged I was. Discouraged I still am but I'm working on it.
Satan has been talking in my ear about how no one wants me. No one wants to even interview me. The intelligent part of me knows that a job will come...eventually. The intelligent part of me knows that I have a good (GREAT!) resume and the job market just absolutely SUCKS. The intelligent part of me even knows that I am in fact intelligent. I am not stupid.
Satan has told me that I am not intelligent, that I am not worth anything and that I am not loved. Satan overtook my brain for a few days with my discouragement.
You know what? Screw you Satan. I will NOT be discouraged anymore. Disappointed? Maybe occasionally. But I WILL count my blessings (and there are MANY) and I will not be discouraged. There is a song that Gigi learned in bible school based on Joshua 1:9 (I like the NIV translation of this verse the best)
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
And if you are singing the song you add an extra "wherever you go-o" on the end of it.
And counting my blessings...
*My wonderful neighbors (and friends!). The Ba's, the Bo's and the Z's have not only been a blessing because of their fantabulous children, but because of the friendships I have made. I live in a neighborhood where it takes a village and am LUCKY to be here.
*My church family who knows what I need to hear when I need to hear it.
*My friends that are visiting this weekend. It may have been a rocky road when we were young - but I adore my Sasa now and can't wait to meet her new little girl! Her husband is also great and her parents? My second set while we were in college.
*I am also thankful for the ability to be busy today. October 9th was my parents wedding anniversary. My Mama was busy with good friends today and I was busy too. Didn't lose it until the middle of church when Pastor Tim basically said, "Okay everyone else stop listening and I'm just going to talk to Tisti right now." (Okay FINE...he didn't actually say that but it sure felt like he should've!)
To be perfectly honest, this post is hard for me to hit publish on. Growing up I just always believed because that's what I was taught. Questioning came later, but I don't share my faith with people unless specifically asked. I'm Lutheran - we're polite and not pushy! We like potlucks with hotdishes (that'd be casseroles for anyone not from MN, SD, ND or IA).
I don't like feeling as though I may be judged for professing my faith and "talking" about how much my pastor's message hit me to the core. I know I have readers that run the gamut from athiest and agnostic to the other end of the spectrum and hope I haven't offended anyone. And now? I'm doing that people pleasing thing that my therapist says I'm supposed to stop doing! LOL.
After this busy weekend I'm also very thankful for Native American Day on Monday (what? You celebrate Columbus Day? SoDak doesn't. It's Native American Day here *rolleyes*) and an extra day off on Tuesday for Gigi and I to just chill and play and chill some more. I've missed my girl while she is at school!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Counting my blessings...
It's been a tough week all around for me. But...and it's a big one...I need to count my blessings. I have a lot of them and hopefully this will help me remember them. Maybe every Friday I'll start counting 10 blessings or something. Hmmm...need a catchy title for that.
1. God - without faith, I would not be here. Seriously. It's the only thing that gets me through some days
2. Gigi - I mean really. How could I live without that little girl? The one who when she's driving me sort of crazy I say, "Could you just chill for a minute?" and she answers, "I left all my chills at home" with a shrug. Thank you for making me laugh every single day Gigi. I love you. I am grateful that I am able to share my life with her and that she is mine. I can't think of a cooler kiddo around.
3. My Mama - even when I do things that make her mad, or she makes me mad. I am grateful for her unconditional love - even when I don't deserve it.
4. My Daddy - I am grateful for 32 years with him. I have to remember the good times and not just dwell in the fact that I miss him.
5. K - ahhhh...my seester. I am grateful to her for doing things and making me laugh. Like call me to tell me that she clipped her kitty's toenails. That made me giggle and I needed it.
6. Lulu - my one and only niece - but a pretty cool one at that. I am thankful for her because she is just a great person. Not just a great teenager or great kid - but a great person.
7. Mo - he has spent a lot of time with my Mama this week and so I've seen him more than usual. I am thankful to him for pointing things out that I would never have ever noticed in a million years. Everywhere we go he finds Mustangs, Corvettes and other assorted cars. I also know waaaay more about Transformers than I ever thought I would.
8. Nono - my 4 year old nephew. His belly laugh makes me smile whenever I see him. I am grateful for him because of that belly laugh and because he reminds me so much of my dad. His looks, his attitude...his temper. There is a reason his nickname is "Little D"
9. Owie - little Owie...the baby at 3. This kid has dimples that would melt the Grinch's heart. He can do anything and flash those dimples and it's magically okay - or at least funny enough that we forget to get mad at him. I am grateful that he makes me laugh.
10. Steering off the sentimental path...I am grateful for my DVR. Seriously. I would marry it if I could. I am grateful for the technology that allows me to watch my favorite shows when *I* want to and grateful that we can record shows for Gigi so she has something to watch while she is winding down for bed.
So...my first 10 things for gratitude Friday (again...need a different name!). Feel free to share what YOU are grateful for.
1. God - without faith, I would not be here. Seriously. It's the only thing that gets me through some days
2. Gigi - I mean really. How could I live without that little girl? The one who when she's driving me sort of crazy I say, "Could you just chill for a minute?" and she answers, "I left all my chills at home" with a shrug. Thank you for making me laugh every single day Gigi. I love you. I am grateful that I am able to share my life with her and that she is mine. I can't think of a cooler kiddo around.
3. My Mama - even when I do things that make her mad, or she makes me mad. I am grateful for her unconditional love - even when I don't deserve it.
4. My Daddy - I am grateful for 32 years with him. I have to remember the good times and not just dwell in the fact that I miss him.
5. K - ahhhh...my seester. I am grateful to her for doing things and making me laugh. Like call me to tell me that she clipped her kitty's toenails. That made me giggle and I needed it.
6. Lulu - my one and only niece - but a pretty cool one at that. I am thankful for her because she is just a great person. Not just a great teenager or great kid - but a great person.
7. Mo - he has spent a lot of time with my Mama this week and so I've seen him more than usual. I am thankful to him for pointing things out that I would never have ever noticed in a million years. Everywhere we go he finds Mustangs, Corvettes and other assorted cars. I also know waaaay more about Transformers than I ever thought I would.
8. Nono - my 4 year old nephew. His belly laugh makes me smile whenever I see him. I am grateful for him because of that belly laugh and because he reminds me so much of my dad. His looks, his attitude...his temper. There is a reason his nickname is "Little D"
9. Owie - little Owie...the baby at 3. This kid has dimples that would melt the Grinch's heart. He can do anything and flash those dimples and it's magically okay - or at least funny enough that we forget to get mad at him. I am grateful that he makes me laugh.
10. Steering off the sentimental path...I am grateful for my DVR. Seriously. I would marry it if I could. I am grateful for the technology that allows me to watch my favorite shows when *I* want to and grateful that we can record shows for Gigi so she has something to watch while she is winding down for bed.
So...my first 10 things for gratitude Friday (again...need a different name!). Feel free to share what YOU are grateful for.
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