Learning

I try to learn something new everyday.  It may not be a huge skill and maybe only a little factoid (speaking of - did you know the pieces from the game of Tetris are called "Tetriminos?"  There were some college kids dressed up as them today and I told them that little tidbit.  They didn't look at me like I was crazy.  At all.  *sigh*).

Today I learned several things.

1. I may be coming out of the dark so to speak.  The depression that has enveloped me probably since my Daddy's diagnosis is starting to look a little brighter.  There really may be a blazing sun at the end of this super long tunnel.  Took long enough and if my Daddy was here?  He would be SO ANGRY at me for being sad this long.

2.  I like being busy again.  I had a meeting this morning for a super secret project (haha now you wanna know!), a football game at 1:00 (my Augie Vikings?  9-0.  9-0!  So proud to be a Viking fan today.  A blue and gold Viking fan that is), church at 5:00 and then my Mama and I booked it to the Augie volleyball game to see the last 10 minutes of play.  Game started at 5:30 but we were at church so we just came late.

3. Confirmation weekend?  Not a good time to bring friends to church who are wanting to check out my church.  We had a baptism, a milestone and then confirmation.  Along with communion.  Not usually indicative of our normal services.  Great to see, yes but when I tell the Z family that our church is pretty casual and jeans are just fine and then a bunch of people show up dressed to the nines because they are visitors to our church and are there for confirmation? (Holy run on sentence batman!) Makes me look like a liar.  And afterall, I am on the top of the sinner list.  My pastor told me. 

4.  I was asked to transcribe an interview for my volunteer job.  I'm an AWFUL transcriber.  Seriously.  Really bad.  Especially when people talk fast.  Maybe that's a hint to me to SLOW DOWN.  Huh...imagine that.

Those are just things I learned TODAY!

This week I also learned that it's fun to use my brain again.  I'm volunteering on the PR team at the American Cancer Society of South Dakota.  I feel smart.  I feel like maybe my fancy edumacation might lead somewhere.  It feels WONDERFUL to talk to adults in a business setting again.  I love it. 

I learned that Gigi is doing brilliantly at school.  I had her first parent/teacher conference and her teacher just kept telling me how kind and considerate she was to others.  It was almost enough for me to tear up.  Almost.  She needs to work on slowing down too, when she is drawing and writing.  Other than that she is resourceful and a joy to have in class!  Yay Gigi!  I was bursting after that conference. 

I learned that Gigi's school can still lose her.  LOL.  Wednesday evening activities didn't go as planned and when I got to school to pick her up we couldn't find her.  Deja vu much?  I found her safe and sound with her church school friends but was thinking - seriously?  Seriously. 

I learned that giving a box of Cupcake Pebbles to a five year old to snack on (or "cupcake petals" as they are referred to here) is NOT a good idea.  Everywhere.  They are EVERYWHERE.

I also learned that that same five year old will look at me and say, "Mama, my tummy hurts" and it will be less than five seconds before the puke hits the floor.  FIVE SECONDS.  Warning.  I need warning!

I learned that Family Ties, Doogie Howser MD and The Wonder Years are on TV again.  It's like my childhood!  Alex P. Keaton - I will always love you.  The Hub rocks. 

The biggest thing that I learned this week?  That I can still be sad.  I can still miss my Daddy.  I can still love my Daddy.  But I don't have to cry all the time.  I will let the tears come when they want and I know that there may be more bad days than good.

I know that my Daddy would be proud of me for my new "job."  Not only am I using my brain but I'm using it for good.  Working with the American Cancer Society means that I might make a difference.  I might be part of something that saves someone else's Daddy.  And that's what I want.  I don't want anyone to go through the pain of losing their beloved Daddy because it hurts.  A lot.  And the whole will never go away.  We will just learn to live around it.

Lost

Yesterday I blogged about Gigi's drop off at school and was looking forward to coming back last night and posting about what a great day she had. She DID have a great day...but...

They LOST her!!

I went to pick her up at 2:45 (okay fine, I was on that playground at 2:35 anxiously awaiting the door opening).

I waited for her to come out of her designated door and saw her teacher lead her kids out. No Gigi in that pack. Thinking maybe they were split up with a helper I waited and a second and third wave of kids came out. No Gigi. At this point I started thinking maybe I had somehow missed her and scanned the playground and all the other kids and did not see her.

I was trying really hard not to freak out.

I got someone that works at the school and we went in to look in the classroom. No Gigi. I went back out and found her teacher and asked if she had her and was told, "She was with me. She wouldn't have gotten on a bus, would she?" I had never even discussed a bus with her so didn't think so. I then went to the principal and asked if she had seen a little blonde girl in a red dress with white polka dots. I again checked the playground.

I was trying REALLY HARD not to freak out.

Still no Gigi. I went back to the classroom again and then checked the restroom and the class next to Gigi's as well. I was frantic by this time. The gal that was helping me suggested maybe she was in the cafeteria with the after school care program kids. Bingo...there she was waiting in line to get checked in.

Gigi didn't even realize she was lost. It was all I could do to not pick her up and just sob uncontrollably. I did pick her up and hug her and tell her that I was worried about her because she wasn't on the playground. "But someone told me to come with them Mama and I followed them here." Just following directions.

I was still trying really hard not to freak out.

For 15 minutes I did not know where my 5 year old was. This is the first time EVER that I have not known where she was. First time in a new school with new kids and new teachers. I expected the first day to be chaos but I didn't expect my kindergartner to be LOST!!

Today? I'm still trying really hard not to freak out.

I e-mailed the principal and teacher and had a nice talk with the principal - who called me not even 5 minutes after my e-mail hit her inbox. She was sorry and told me that it was a chain of events that happened. I made some suggestions to help prevent this in the future and think that they will at least be discussed if not implemented.

I think I volunteered myself for the PTO too. Not that that's a bad thing - the meetings seem to be held on the evening when Gigi is with her Daddy.

I dropped off some paperwork at church this morning for Gigi and told the whole story to all the ladies there. Gigi's preschool director was there and knows me. She just looked at me and laughed and said, "Only you. This could only happen to you." She's right! I was probably the most nervous parent dropping my kiddo off yesterday and then for her to be lost after school?

Oy.

My baby :(

My baby girl is at school. SCHOOL. Real school. Real full day every day school. Gigi started kindergarten today. I'm both happy and sad. I'm sad because I miss her. I'm sad because her babyhood, toddlerhood, and preschoolerhood are GONE. She is 5 and seems so grown up.

She was excited but nervous this morning. I woke her up and she wasn't grumpy with me. She had promised last night she wouldn't be :) We got dressed in her special dress (which is actually the dress she wore for my dad's memorial and is now called her "funeral" dress) and got ready. Then I started the pictures. LOL.

Here she is in front of the house...

We went for a special breakfast at her favorite bagel spot. Her request.

Then we went on to school!

Our school doesn't allow parents to come into the classroom for the first day. It made me sad but then I realized how much easier it would be for the kids (and the teachers!) to not have all the parents there boo hoo-ing. So we got to the playground and found her line. Took a quick picture...


Then the bell rang and she was off!

And when I say she was off - she was OFF. That bell rang and the two K teachers hit the doors RIGHT AWAY. Kind of catching me off guard but I already had my hugs and kisses in so it was okay. And then? She was gone. And I was standing alone on the playground willing myself not to cry. That worked until I got home. Yay for no tears in public!! Then I sobbed for awhile and took a nap - as this Mama didn't get much sleep last night because I was so nervous.

So my baby with her ginormous backpack (looking at the pictures makes it seem even bigger - she wouldn't let me adjust it so it's hanging low) is learning and having fun with new friends. She should've already eaten her specially packed lunch and I'm worried if she had enough time to eat and if she could get everything open. She has had her first recess and should be having quiet time right now.

I worry that she will be too shy to make friends. If you know Gigi you know she is NOT shy but in this new situation with so many new kids she has been a bit overwhelmed. I worry that she will have had to sit by herself at lunch. I've never not been there when she met new friends. I've always been able to make sure she is being nice and is talking to other kids. I've always been there and now she is in the big bad world of school all alone.

I get to pick her up in a few hours and hug her again. I get to hear about her day. I can't wait.

I Wonder...

I wonder if anyone else ever feels like the world is crashing down around them. Like the streak of "bad luck" will never end. Searching for something ANYTHING that is a positive in a life of negatives.

This is how I'm feeling tonight. No job, Daddy died, running out of money, my lawnmower is broken, my sister and her family are moving away, Gigi starts kindergarten soon...I could go on.

I feel like Pigpen from Charlie Brown only instead of a cloud of dirt I have a black cloud over my head. I know there are positives in my life and I have the bestest little girl, Mama, sister, niece and nephews a girl could ever ask for.

2010 did not start off well and has continued to not be a good year. It's only August but I would gladly take snow right now to have it be a new year and a fresh start. I hate feeling this way. I want to be a positive person...almost Pollyannaish. But I feel beat down.

I know I have prayer warriors out there praying for me and others that don't pray but send good thoughts. My prayer request is for a job tonight. A career. Somewhere that I can go on a daily basis and not only feel good about what I'm doing but feel good about going. Somewhere that I will make actual money would be nice too.

Earlier in the year before I lost my job I made plans for a big trip next year. I was going to take Gigi on a Disney Cruise. If you know me you know what a big deal Disney is. I'm a Mickey Mouse FREAK. I was so excited to take her on the cruise and meet Mickey. Its simply not going to happen and I am so very sad about it. There is no way I can spend the money to do something so frivolous. I was so looking forward to a week in the sun just Gigi and Mommy - meeting Mickey. *sigh*

But real life beckons. Mortgage needs to be paid. Food put on the table (er...coffee table at least LOL). School clothes purchased. So the trip is cancelled. Maybe in 2012 we will get to go and meet Mickey on the big boat.

One bright spot - Gigi's bestest friend, Buttercup is coming on FRIDAY!!!!! I wish I had a little dancing banana man for that. They moved far away at the end of June and they are coming to visit. Gigi doesn't know yet. Can't wait to see her face!!

A Million Times

I ran across this yesterday and then my sister called me in the evening and told me about a frame that said "If love alone could've saved you. You never would have died." A sign from Daddy?

A Million Times

A million times we've needed you.
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you.
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place.
No one else will every fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you.
The day God took you home.

Author Unkown

A million seems like too little and it hasn't even been a month. Big upcoming events and my Daddy won't be there. K and her family move. Gigi starts kindergarten. I hopefully have a new job...soon (not that there are any close prospects yet). All those things will be firsts. They will be happy but something will be missing.

I want my Daddy to tell me to stop obsessing about Gigi's first day of kindergarten. I'm trying not to be a helicopter parent but it's so hard. Her little heart is sad because her Papa is in heaven and I would like to protect her heart from every other hurt. *sigh* Kindergarten open house is tonight.

At the pool the other day a friend told me that I get an "A+ in grieving." That made me laugh. I'm trying. I'm trying to grieve the only way I know how. Sometimes I'm fine and have good memories and little sadness knowing that he is in a better place. Sometimes the sadness hits me like a ton of bricks.

When will I see a Cessna flying overhead and have happy memories instead of tears? When will I stop thinking that I need to tell him something and then the real world crashes down? When will my Mama not have that sadness in her eyes anymore?

I know there is no answers for any of these questions except for time.

My Mama, Gigi and I are headed for a day of fun in the boat at the river soon. It will be sad being in Papa's boat with my Mama as the driver instead of my Daddy. It will be sad to see the place that made him so very happy. It will be hard but together we will do it and make some new happy memories.

What doesn't kill us...

Only makes us stronger.

I cannot tell you how tired I am of hearing this. Seriously. I know it is meant to be a pep talk. Meant to be uplifting. But really? It makes me want to smack you. Sorry. Just being honest. I won't smack you because I don't believe in hitting nice people but I might want to.

I don't want to be stronger. Just because I happen to be going through a really rough spot and haven't keeled over from stress does not mean I'm relishing the "getting stronger" part. I am probably the biggest 'Everything Happens for a Reason' person you will EVER meet. But right now? I can't make sense of my Daddy's death. Someday I'm sure I will see some sort of silver lining - but right now stupid cliches and "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and "Everything happens for a reason" are lost on me.

Totally not picking on anyone here. No one knows what to say. Especially when I find myself just blurting out, "My dad just died" to a complete stranger. I've got to stop doing that.

Now to kind of garbage dump in this post.

Selah? AWESOME. Front row seats because I got there two hours early. They were fantastic as ever. Me? Total puddle. Because they sing songs with such meaning I started crying and pretty much didn't stop for the second half of the concert. At the very end they gave a sneak peek (or sneak listen I guess) of a new song. Oh Em Gee. Fab.u.lous. I also stayed after to meet Allan, Todd and Amy. Turned into a puddle again. I'm sure they were very impressed.

It turns out it was black shirt night! Glad I wore mine :D

Gigi came home on Sunday night. I am so glad to have her home. Now I feel like we can start to prepare for school (Kindergarten EEK) and start our 'new normal.' I'm only having one minor freakout a day about school so that's good. We got her teachers name and have Open House next week. She's ready. Her supplies are labeled and in her new backpack. I will be ready eventually too.

The other exciting news? We got our playset!! Crappy picture through the window because I'm a princess today and it's hot. And humid. And the mosquitos might carry me away. Some very nice gentleman were here all afternoon setting it up. I don't think they have much blood left with all the bites they left with.

Immediately after they finished Gigi found her neighborhood friends and had them all over. She came and told me, "Mama it feels like a PARTY back there." That makes my heart smile. It is a bit sad because this playset is from my Mama and Daddy. They both wanted her to be able to have something to play on in the backyard. Unfortunately my Daddy didn't get to help pick it out or build it - but Gigi knows that her Papa and Grandma got her playset for her.

In other exciting news...I have a flower in my yard. If you know me you know this is VERY exciting news. I don't grow things. My cats and my child cry if they are hungry or thirsty. Plants don't do that. So I usually kill them quickly. The gal I bought my house from was a BIG gardener. Most of her plants have made it - but of course the ONE that she asked the neighbor about when she saw her was the hibiscus. Honestly? The hibiscus WAS dead. Not growing. No signs of life. After my dad's memorial? FLOWERS. Ferreals. I don't think I can attribute it to my dad because that doesn't seem like him, but it does give me hope that someday I could maybe grow something. Here are the flowers...

So Grandma Ann - if you happen to see this. I did NOT kill the hibiscus. And if these are not in fact hibiscus flowers? Don't tell me. Just let me think they are. I'm pretty proud of my red flowers :D