And Downs...

I posted about ups and downs in a post earlier today...then I realized that it's just been a lot of downs lately. Yes, there are good things and I'm really trying to concentrate on those things. And I still have my faith. Because without faith there would literally be nothing.

Today I was very unsettled. Not necessarily sad but not happy. Not nervous about anything just...not right. I don't know why. Apparently many others felt this way today too. What did I do about it?

I went for a drive. Now if you know me and know my sister - I am not the driving around aimlessly one. K is. She put so many miles on her car just driving around. If I'm driving? I most certainly have a destination.

Except for today. That uneasy feeling didn't go away when I got in the car. It didn't go away as I just drove without a destination. It felt a little better after some Wendy's fries and a Frosty but was still there. And then? As I was driving? The tears came. Again.

Out of NOWHERE I was just sobbing and driving. My car was headed south with no destination in mind. Somehow Goldie (that'd be my car - Goldie the Gold Honda) ended up at my Daddy's airport. I didn't go beyond the security fence. I just went and parked in the parking lot and looked at the windsock. Yes, the windsock. The windsock has always been a fascination for Gigi and Papa always drove out of his way at his airport to show her that damn windsock.

The windsock is still there in all it's orange glory blowing in the wind. My Daddy is not there. My Daddy is flying airplanes with Jesus but selfishly I want him here. In my mind I keep telling myself that he is watching over me. I have a hard time reconciling in my mind that he is watching us and seeing how much pain we are in with him gone. But I also have to believe that he has the secret and knows WHY we are missing him so much. Someday when we get to Heaven he will be there with open arms to welcome us and let us in on the secret.

I'm lonely. I have been alone (meaning not married) for going on 5 years. But for some reason the past couple of days this has bothered me more than ever. I miss the simple things of married life like having someone ask how my day was. Or telling something stupid to that no one else would get. I miss being able to rant and rave. I often would talk to my parents about these stupid things. But now - my Daddy is gone and my Mama really doesn't need to hear about Gigi getting lost at school over and over.

I really wish I was as strong as people think I am. Because really I'm not strong at all. I can put on a pretty good act if my Mama or Gigi is around but usually I could turn in to a puddle at any given moment. That's probably why I spend a lot of time alone. No one needs to hear how I'm having trouble sleeping because I'm having nightmares about stupid things like my neighbor taking down my big tree. Or how sometimes when I close my eyes I can't get the image of my dad laying in a hospital bed dying out of my head and the sounds as he gasped for every breath. How sometimes that all I want to do is curl up and cry and cry and cry. I did that last night and it didn't change anything. I'm still just as sad. I'm still just as lonely. He's still just as dead.

Maybe I'm feeling so unsettled because everything else SEEMS unsettled. I don't know what "normal" is anymore. "Normal" is not K and her family living in Iowa. Oh wait...that's the new normal. "Normal" is not my wonderful Mama trying to fill her days so she is busy and therefore the sadness doesn't take over. Oh wait...that new normal thing again.

Someone once told me "I just want my life back" as they were going through a difficult time. I told her at the time that even if she could get her life back it wouldn't be the same. Every day something happens and changes your life. I was so wise then. LOL. But tonight...I want the same thing she did - I want my life back. I want my life back to when my Daddy didn't have cancer. To when he didn't die.

I look at pictures of my friends on Facebook and everyone seems so HAPPY. Smiling faces with boyfriends, girlfriends, sisters, brothers, moms, dads and everything in between. I look at those smiling faces and wonder if I will ever have that true happiness again. I wonder if when people look into my eyes they can see past my smile and know that underneath everything is NOT okay. I worry that it never will be again. I know that time will ease some of the pain but I simply cannot imagine a time when I'll just be able to accept that I will never speak to my Daddy again. That I can never ask for his advice or ask if he knows of someone so I can get an in with a job. I will never hear him laugh with his grandkids or bicker with Mama. I am so afraid I'm going to forget. But the memories bring sadness. It's a vicious cycle. Remember and be sad? Or ignore and be sad but put a smile on my face.

One foot in front of the other and minute by minute. Those have to be my mantras. My Daddy would be pretty angry if I couldn't do either one of those things. But now I worry that my Daddy didn't realize exactly how much he meant to me. I said goodbye, I told him I loved him...but did he really know how much? Did he really know that with him gone it would feel like my world has fallen apart? Did he know how much I looked up to him and admired him? Did he really know how much influence he had on my life? I hope he did. I have to try and believe that he did. I just really really miss him.