I'm a good person. Intrinsicly I care about people and want to make their lives better. I have pretty much believed my whole life that because I am a good person - bad things will not happen.
Now where is the fallacy in that thinking? Bad things do happen to good people. I just never thought it would happen to me. Does that somehow mean that when bad things did happen to good people that I somehow thought they deserved it? The answer to that is not really. It should be an emphatic no but it's not really.
I was married once - to the man I believed was the love of my life. Sometimes that "love" was not very nice to me. I chalked it up to stress, money issues and just not being good enough for him. After all, I was a good person and God wouldn't allow one of his "good people" to be in an abusive relationship, right? Right? Wrong.
Luckily I got out with just my self confidence destroyed, but still alive - and with a beautiful little girl. I went back to my life - living and loving Gigi. I was a good person that was in a bad situation and got out. More power to me!
Two years ago my nephew was diagnosed with Leukemia. But we are good people I shouted to God. Yes, shouted. God and I have had some pretty good shouting matches because who else is really going to take that? We.Are.Good.People.
My family dealt with that diagnosis. Mo - the one actually diagnosed - did MUCH better than any of the adults. My niece Lulu handled it with grace beyond her years. We learned, we loved him and we grew closer. It became just a "bump in the road." (and my sister may disagree with that statement as he is still in treatment - but it just became a different way of life for everyone).
But we are good people. Things like a 7 year old getting Leukemia don't happen to good people, right?
I wrote that off as a blip - a second where bad things DO happen to good people. We dealt. His parents dealt in their way, my parents in their way and me in my way. But yet? We were all still good people.
I lost my job in February the day after my mom had a nasty fall on the ice and I was very concerned about her. But I'm a good person. Nothing bad would happen to my mom, right? Luckily (because she is good person I'm sure) she suffered a pretty bad concussion but didn't have any permanent damage.
The job thing? Destroyed my self confidence and WHO I was. My parents helped pull me up by my bootstraps because...you guessed it...they are GOOD PEOPLE. The best in fact.
April 23rd 2010. 4:10 pm. My Daddy called me and told me he had a brain tumor. A BRAIN TUMOR. I knew he had been going to the doctor and having tests but surely it was something easily fixable. Or something that could maybe affect day to day but nothing serious. But he had a brain tumor.
But you know...that brain tumor was going to be benign because (say it with me) we are GOOD PEOPLE. Wrongo buckaroo. Not only not benign - but cancer and not removable at that. We made plans for the 5 years we were sure to have with him. Because no one had ever lived with a glioblastoma past the 5 year mark - but my Daddy was determined to be that one in a million. That one that survived 6 years. A simple 5 years would have meant seeing Lulu get her pilot's license and see her graduate. See the other grandchildren become actual little people instead of just crazy preschoolers. See the end of Mo's treatment and celebrate that wonderful day of his last chemo dose.
But then? Everything was wrong. Two and half months and he was...gone. But I'm a good person Lord, why do I have to suffer this pain? Why did I have to lose my Daddy so quickly? Why wasn't he allowed to be with us for more time?
We are good people...we deserved more time. Or so we thought. I felt entitled to MORE TIME - because after all, I'm a good person.
So what I have I learned? Bad things happen to good people. Good people suffer and good people get hurt. Good people miss the ones they love and still long for more time. Good people can want these things and admit these things and still be good people. Good people can yell at God - because seriously, who else would be able to take it?
Some days I feel like the blow up clown that people punch and just keeps popping back up (I'll save my hatred and intense fear of clowns for another post). C'mon - hit me again! And again! Try it again and I'll still keep popping up.
Today I feel like maybe that creepy clown has developed a hole. The air is slowly leaking and he doesn't bounce back. Someday it will be patched up.
Someday I will not feel the intense sadness I feel every single day right now. Someday I will be able to share memories and not tear up. Someday I will be able to see that everything does happen for a reason. Someday I will see my Daddy again in Heaven.
Because? I am a good person.
You write so beautifully. I think you described this current state so well, in a way I cannot even begin to imagine - yet can picture so vividly. (If that makes any sense at all!)
ReplyDeleteI really truely believe that this is a common mistake. Bad things happen to everyone. It's not a reflection of who we are or how much God loves us. It's just part of life. A ying to the yang so to speak. We are human after all and our bodies will get ill, they will eventually die. We will all greive at one point for someone we love with all our heart. It's not a reflection of God's love for us, only something that has to be. Like the old Facts of Life song (yeah I went there LOL ) You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life. (you know your singing it now!) Anyway. There's no blame. There is no malice in the bad things that happen. Some of it is due to our own choices. Free will and all that. Some of it is due to the fact we are organisms that will die, so our bodies will be come ill and die one way or another. Some of it is even due to our own pollution and things we've done to the earth. No one promised us anything. We are born to live, love, hurt and die. It's all a part. And grief and saddness and anger ARE okay. You're right, He will hold no grudge for the yelling. He will only hope you know that He does not want us to suffer, it's just a necessary evil.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, it's so odd to read your posts, a month behind where I am in the process. It's like looking at myself a month ago so often! Three months is not suddenly any easier to warn you, but the anger is dissipating for me. It's more about saddness and missing him now.
SarahLitt