I am angry...

Tonight?

I am angry.

I am angry that I don't have my Dad anymore. I am angry that he left me. I am angry that cancer took him from me.

I am angry that he won't get to see Gigi grow up. I am angry that he won't see the other kids grow up. I am angry that the kids don't have their Papa anymore.

I am angry that I'm not more like him with ambition and drive. I am angry that I don't know how to fix things like he did. I am angry that I have to say 'did' instead of 'does.' I am angry that everytime someone is trying to be nice and ask how I'm doing I want to blurt out, "How do you think? My dad just died."

I am angry that if I ever meet someone to share my life with that person will not get to meet him. I am angry that if I were ever to get married again he won't be there.

I am angry that my mom is alone. I am angry that my mom is sad and lonely. I am angry that at 60 years old she thinks she will be alone for the rest of her life.

I am angry that I never get to ride in an airplane with him again. I am angry that I can't make fun of his baldness or Matt Lauer haircut anymore. I am angry that he can't be angry with me over stupid things a man I used to be married to does and says.

I am angry that grief sucks so much. I am angry that I go to bed early and lay and look at the ceiling in the dark and cry. I am angry that I'm crying.

I am angry that I didn't take the time to ask more questions about everything from wiring to Vietnam. I am angry that he died like he did with everyone just waiting for him to die.

I am angry that my heart is broken. I am angry that my heart will always have a big hole in it where he used to be. I am angry that we were supposed to have MORE TIME. I am angry that I feel cheated.

I am angry that I don't like Jack Daniels and feel like without it I can't toast him properly. I am angry that I saw an infomercial today and just *knew* he would've bought it. I am angry that I can't buy him some U-Glu and surprise him. I am angry that he has been ripped away from all of us.

Tonight...I am just angry.