July...

July used to mean celebrations and fireworks. Picnics and camping. Boating and playing...July now means...sadness.
At the end of June (which I'm including as July because it lumps together well) Gigi's BFF moved really far away. It wasn't just Gigi's BFF - it was the entire H family - 6 kids and 2 fabulous parents. These people were a second family, my parents neighbors - seldom did a day go by that we didn't talk to one of them. They moved to pursue an excellent opportunity but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

July 4th...supposed to be a celebration. Our nations birthday. To me? It won't be a celebration again. This was the day that I really realized that my Daddy was not going to get better and have a few more years. I thought maybe a few months that day. Little did we realize it would be a few days.

You've all followed the journey we took for the large part of July. July 13th - the day my Daddy got his angel wings. July 17th - the day we remembered my Daddy at his memorial. July 23rd - the day I really realized he is not coming back :(

Last night Gigi and I were riding in the car with my mom and aunt. As we were driving past the airport my mom's phone rang. In my heart I thought it would be my Dad checking in. My head didn't take over until I heard that it was not my Daddy on the phone. My Daddy won't be calling anymore. My Daddy won't be coming home.

This morning I walked down to my basement and as I hit the floor I heard a splash. My basement was wet. Normally my first reaction to any house issue is to call my Dad. He tells me what to do. Shaking and starting to cry I picked up the phone and started dialing. I got four digits in and again my mind reminded me what my heart had forgotten. My Daddy wasn't going to be on the other end. Crying harder I hung up and dialed my Mom instead. I sobbed into the phone about my wet basement. She said she would come to my house soon.

This is when Gigi decided to ask lots of questions. "Why are you crying Mommy?" "Are you sad because Papa is in Heaven or because the floor is wet?" "How did the floor get wet?" And I sobbed some more and yelled. Oops. Then I sent her outside. Thankfully some neighbors that are always outside when their kids are outside were there and she could play while her mom had a nervous breakdown. I owe them.

So...my mom showed up and came to my basement. It really wasn't that much water as she lovingly pointed out. I don't think that was the problem at all. The problem is I miss my Daddy. Maybe my subconcious was thinking that maybe my Daddy would come to rescue me. My Mama was a pretty good substitute though. I want my Daddy to help me with my house. I want him to show up at my front door to work on my 'Daddy Do' list. I want him to yell at me and say, "are you bleeding? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." I want my Daddy here. Pretty selfish I know.

So...this dismal month continues. Next week my sister and her family are moving. Its only 100 miles or so, but I am so very very sad and will miss them. I won't be able to attend a large number of basketball games, softball games or random programs at school. It just adds to the sadness of this month.

No job. No job prospects at this point. Running low on funds. Miss my Daddy. Miss my friends. Going to miss my sister and her family. Miss my girl as she left to go with Daddy for a week.

Can I fast forward a month or two when the pain isn't so raw?