I don't want to be broken anymore...

Music is a big part of my life.  I'm not a singer but I sing anyway.  I listen to the radio in the car, my iPod in bed and when on the computer and sing along to the songs overhead in stores (yes, I'm THAT person.  It's annoying.  But deal with it, mmmmkay?  :) ).  Song lyrics speak to me.  I like to pretend that I can sing along with them and sound good but all would not agree.

My ex-husband used to ask me why I used to sing so loudly.  Well, the answer to that is I only have one volume for singing.  Loud.  If you don't like it?  Don't play music I like (which he would gladly do and change the radio to an am sports station and I would pout.  LOL.)  In the car?  I am Carrie freaking Underwood.  I sound AWESOME. 

I have a playlist on my iPod entitled "Hope."  I have listened to this playlist on a continuous loop for a couple months now.  Most, if not all of the songs are Christian and are trying to tell me that even though this may be a crappy time - there is hope out there.  I turned the iPod on tonight - not feeling particularly down or particularly good.  The first song?  Alive by Avalon.

A bit of the lyrics:
I don't want to be broken anymore
Living life in a million pieces
I can see my world is changing
Waking me from my sleeping

I hear You calling, it's speaking my name
I will never be the same

I DON'T want to be broken anymore.  I want to be happy.  I want to wake up in the morning and not have the crushing blow that my Daddy is no longer on this earth hit me.  I'm not selfish enough to wish him back, but I miss him.

My life has been in a million pieces and not just because of my Daddy's death.  It was breaking before he died and flat out shattered after he was gone. 

But you know what?  I can see my world changing.  I do feel like I may be waking up from the sleeping or from the dark place I was in.  I hear God calling me to do something, anything, but be sad 24/7.  I will never be the same anymore because now I have experienced true loss.  No one could ever come out of the other side of that an unchanged person. 

My Daddy would be so angry at me for being so sad for so long.  He would say, "Get OVER it already."  He wasn't one to dwell.  But I think he deserves some dwelling.  I think that everyone that loves him deserves to be sad that this man is not on the earth anymore. 

I will admit that I am still looking for signs.  I want a sign from him.  A dream. Anything. I just want to know that he is looking over me and watching me.  Maybe I haven't had a sign because he isn't watching me because I have been so sad.  After all, Heaven is perfect - I can't believe that he can look down and see us all being sad.  That would not be perfect for him.  So maybe I need to be happy to get my signs from him. 

I got a new phone last week because it was time for an upgrade.  My Daddy was nearly an original adopter of cell phones.  That man had a phone attached to his ear for a good 15 years if not 20.  He got me my first phone when I went away to college so I myself have had a cell phone for 14 years.  Daddy always got frustrated with his phones.  My new phone?  Has been acting up already.  The Verizon guy nearly needed to talk me down from a panic attack because my phone froze yesterday and it hadn't worked for 30 minutes.  30 MINUTES!  What if something had happened in that 30 minutes?  If Gigi was hurt?  Or I got an important e-mail (y'know like that someone commented on my blog?).  Seriously.  I need to get a grip.

After that freakout I realized maybe that was my Daddy's way of messing with me.  Funny joke Daddy.  Please don't make me freak out again. 

Or?  Maybe my Daddy is giving me signs of verses or songs that I should review.  I was in a waiting room the other day and there was a picture of some football player and an article with it.  I didn't read the article but very clear in the picture you could see the words "James 1: 2-3" tattooed on his arm.  Hmmmm...I wonder what that verse was?

²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Interesting.  Like when the song I wrote about last time popped into my head.  Or the song that I heard tonight.  Is my Daddy sending me scripture and songs?  SOOOOOO not his style.  But someone knew I needed to read it.  I can't help but think it was him.

Last week on the 13th was 3 months since my Daddy passed away.  I observed that day by finally watching the DVD that we made for his memorial.  I won't lie and say it wasn't hard.  But I was ready.  I was ready to see my smiling, alive, funny Daddy.  It didn't make me miss him more (because I don't think I can) or miss him less.  It was just...him.  Pictures of him with his friends, pictures of him with Mama, with K and I, and with his grandkids. 

Last weekend Lulu shot her first pheasant while hunting at "Papa's lodge."  She has a couple surrogate Papa's that will make sure she gets to hunt - something Daddy loved to do.  He was so proud of her that day I know. 

We all miss him terribly.  Sometimes it's still hard to realize he is gone.  My Mama's home phone number is still in my phone as "Mom and Dad home" and his cell phone number is still in my phone.  I downloaded new ringtones last night and for just a moment was thinking of what would be funny for his.  Then I realized that he doesn't need a ringtone anymore.  Its those dumb things that send me into a crying jag, but I did find an awesome one for K and for my Mama :)

But if I didn't cry?  I wouldn't be healing.  I wouldn't be Alive like the song says.  I don't want to be broken anymore....and I'm working on it.