I'm having a pretty good day today. Of course no motivation to do anything other than play on the computer and play with my kitties but tonight? Tonight I get to see Selah!! (Just FYI if you click to go to their site a song starts playing immediately - I don't want anyone to be startled!).
I "discovered" Selah about 9 months ago. Gigi and I went to a concert and the rest is history. She loves 'em, I love 'em and I'm going to see them tonight! Gigi is still with her Daddy so I am going alone and I don't think I will tell her that I'm going - she will be super jealous.
Selah is a Christian group with powerful voices and songs with very powerful lyrics. Their songs are on constant repeat on my iPod and as a bonus it's okay to listen to with Gigi around! After the whole "Mommy my favorite song EVER is that Summer one." FYI - "that summer one" is Kid Rock All American Summer. Nothing like listening to your four year old talk about "sipping whispey (whiskey) off the bottle." So now we listen to more appropriate things in the car. Her favorite Selah songs are Esengo, Yesu Azali Awa, and I Will Carry You. The story for the last song can be found on Angie Smith's blog called Bring The Rain. Angie is Todd Smith's wife (he is lead singer of Selah) and they lost their little girl Audrey about two years ago. I found Angie's blog, started listening to Selah because of that and the rest is history!
If anyone could send up some extra prayers for my city it would be appreciated. We got A LOT of rain on Friday night and there are many basements flooded and some sewer backups. I was out and about earlier and took some pictures with my phone - I'll try to get them uploaded later. The river is HUGELY swollen and I personally know some friends that have water in their basement. I didn't get much which is a blessing!
(I figured out how to do embedded links in my posts - can you tell? LOL)
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Real Life
So they say that I will eventually get back to real life and normal. Who are "they?" I'm not really sure. People everywhere. Grief support group e-mails. Real life maybe, but normal? I think not.
A new normal maybe. A normal where I try to navigate the scary world of job searching by myself. Without the advice of my dad. Without the pushing of my dad. Without the "make sure you send me your resume before you send it so I can make sure it's okay." That's tough.
Many times in interviews I've been asked who my business mentor is. If it's for a sales job sometimes the question is who I look up to in sales. My answer has always been my Daddy. He was the best sales person I've ever known. The best business mentor to not just me but SO MANY others. How am I supposed to get past that in an interview? I'm sure that anyone hiring someone would REALLY like a basketcase who cries over her recently deceased father in an interview. How's that for making an impression?
I had dinner with a group of friends from church last night. A group of friends that know love and loss from a different perspective. It was...nice to see them. I was rambling on and on about my dad and his last few days and they just listened. This is what I love about this particular group. They listen, they support, they hug. I suppose that's what a support group is all about, huh? Little did I know when I joined this particular group that they would not only help me grieve the loss of my marriage, but also the loss of my dad.
I really and truly thought that my divorce would be the biggest loss I would ever suffer in my life. But losing my dad? Hurts so much worse than that. Yes, I grieved the loss of what could have been, what life should've been like, dreams lost. But I got through that. And I will get through this but it might take more time.
You see, my Daddy was my rock through my divorce. He and my Mama guided me through the hard stuff. And now? He is not there. So my Mama, K, the kids and I are on our own. Without our rock. Without the man who was so straightforward and honest. It will be tough but I know we can do it.
Gigi has been with her dad all week. I was supposed to take this week to get my house purged and organized and really haven't done much of that. But I know that this scary thing called Real Life is looming. Might as well start trying to navigate it now.
A new normal maybe. A normal where I try to navigate the scary world of job searching by myself. Without the advice of my dad. Without the pushing of my dad. Without the "make sure you send me your resume before you send it so I can make sure it's okay." That's tough.
Many times in interviews I've been asked who my business mentor is. If it's for a sales job sometimes the question is who I look up to in sales. My answer has always been my Daddy. He was the best sales person I've ever known. The best business mentor to not just me but SO MANY others. How am I supposed to get past that in an interview? I'm sure that anyone hiring someone would REALLY like a basketcase who cries over her recently deceased father in an interview. How's that for making an impression?
I had dinner with a group of friends from church last night. A group of friends that know love and loss from a different perspective. It was...nice to see them. I was rambling on and on about my dad and his last few days and they just listened. This is what I love about this particular group. They listen, they support, they hug. I suppose that's what a support group is all about, huh? Little did I know when I joined this particular group that they would not only help me grieve the loss of my marriage, but also the loss of my dad.
I really and truly thought that my divorce would be the biggest loss I would ever suffer in my life. But losing my dad? Hurts so much worse than that. Yes, I grieved the loss of what could have been, what life should've been like, dreams lost. But I got through that. And I will get through this but it might take more time.
You see, my Daddy was my rock through my divorce. He and my Mama guided me through the hard stuff. And now? He is not there. So my Mama, K, the kids and I are on our own. Without our rock. Without the man who was so straightforward and honest. It will be tough but I know we can do it.
Gigi has been with her dad all week. I was supposed to take this week to get my house purged and organized and really haven't done much of that. But I know that this scary thing called Real Life is looming. Might as well start trying to navigate it now.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Will it get easier?
When is it going to get easier? When am I going to remember that he's not here?
I just saw a news story that I knew my dad would appreciate. I looked at my phone to call him. Then reality hit. Again. It's like losing him all over.
I know in my mind that time will help...but my heart is tired of thinking he is going to be there on the other end of the line.
*sigh*
I just saw a news story that I knew my dad would appreciate. I looked at my phone to call him. Then reality hit. Again. It's like losing him all over.
I know in my mind that time will help...but my heart is tired of thinking he is going to be there on the other end of the line.
*sigh*
You...
ROCK!
Yes I'm talking to you. If you are reading this? Know that I love you, I'm thankful for you and I think you rock.
My family is stuck with me - but you - my friends don't have to be reading my blatherings (good word, no?).
Thank you. Thank you for the calls, texts, e-mails, messages, message board postings, waves from across the street, hugs in stores, and a host of other things that make me know I am loved and cared for.
Thank you to the people who I have received hugs and love from - whether virtual or for real. I know that I would love to be able to reach through my computer and squeeze every single one of you for what you have done for me in the recent months.
Contrary to my recent "I'm angry" note - I do appreciate you asking how I am. Its the random cashier at Target or acquaintance that I hate answering that question to. I know you, my friends, are truly inquiring about how I am doing instead of just exchanging pleasantries.
I found myself at the visitation and memorial hugging so many people who would ask me how I was and I would immediately ask how they were. Well, idiot...we were all there for the same reason, how do I think they are doing? I'm dumb sometimes. So I'm trying to not immediately exchange that particular pleasantry anymore. At least for awhile.
Thank you for all the offers of help and "what can I do's." Know someday I WILL take you up on that (speaking of which does anyone do any electrical, plumbing or A/C work? I'm kidding...kind of).
Thank you for continuing to be our Prayer Warriors. I know we have so many prayers. I can feel them. I appreciate them.
Switching gears...On a message board I frequent someone asked today "What do you think heaven is like?" This question struck me to my very core and has stuck with me all day. I have a vision in my head of what heaven is like and I can only hope that every one of you will join me there someday (dependent upon your particular religious beliefs of course). I can't even put together coherent words to describe heaven in my mind. It is that perfect. And I can't wait to be united with my Daddy and my heavenly Father.
Each night that Gigi has been gone I have laid in bed listening to the playlist "Daddy's DVD" on my iPod. I cannot yet bring myself to watch the whole DVD (I saw parts during the visitation/memorial). Something about watching my dad's life whittled down to 26 minutes of pictures and 6 wonderful songs just doesn't make sense. Its so...final. K and I found, sorted and organized the pictures so I've seen them all but all packaged together? Not something I'm ready to face. So I'll stick to listening to those 6 songs as I ramble on and eventually fall asleep still listening. I don't cry immediately when I hear them anymore. I concentrate on the lyrics and how each and every one of those songs has such meaning.
Anyway...I'm proud to say this is the first note that I have not sobbed through writing for a few weeks. May mean nothing...or it may mean that although I miss my Daddy - I really do appreciate every single one of you. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. (My non sobbing night might have to do with the fact that I'm snuggled up in bed with clean sheets and jammies. THAT is part of my vision of heaven - clean sheets and jammies every night and I don't have to do the laundry or make the bed!)
I think I'm going to start a blog tomorrow. I'm just feeling a tug to do that in case someone else grieving for a special person in their life would stumble on it. I'll post a link when I get it up.
Yes I'm talking to you. If you are reading this? Know that I love you, I'm thankful for you and I think you rock.
My family is stuck with me - but you - my friends don't have to be reading my blatherings (good word, no?).
Thank you. Thank you for the calls, texts, e-mails, messages, message board postings, waves from across the street, hugs in stores, and a host of other things that make me know I am loved and cared for.
Thank you to the people who I have received hugs and love from - whether virtual or for real. I know that I would love to be able to reach through my computer and squeeze every single one of you for what you have done for me in the recent months.
Contrary to my recent "I'm angry" note - I do appreciate you asking how I am. Its the random cashier at Target or acquaintance that I hate answering that question to. I know you, my friends, are truly inquiring about how I am doing instead of just exchanging pleasantries.
I found myself at the visitation and memorial hugging so many people who would ask me how I was and I would immediately ask how they were. Well, idiot...we were all there for the same reason, how do I think they are doing? I'm dumb sometimes. So I'm trying to not immediately exchange that particular pleasantry anymore. At least for awhile.
Thank you for all the offers of help and "what can I do's." Know someday I WILL take you up on that (speaking of which does anyone do any electrical, plumbing or A/C work? I'm kidding...kind of).
Thank you for continuing to be our Prayer Warriors. I know we have so many prayers. I can feel them. I appreciate them.
Switching gears...On a message board I frequent someone asked today "What do you think heaven is like?" This question struck me to my very core and has stuck with me all day. I have a vision in my head of what heaven is like and I can only hope that every one of you will join me there someday (dependent upon your particular religious beliefs of course). I can't even put together coherent words to describe heaven in my mind. It is that perfect. And I can't wait to be united with my Daddy and my heavenly Father.
Each night that Gigi has been gone I have laid in bed listening to the playlist "Daddy's DVD" on my iPod. I cannot yet bring myself to watch the whole DVD (I saw parts during the visitation/memorial). Something about watching my dad's life whittled down to 26 minutes of pictures and 6 wonderful songs just doesn't make sense. Its so...final. K and I found, sorted and organized the pictures so I've seen them all but all packaged together? Not something I'm ready to face. So I'll stick to listening to those 6 songs as I ramble on and eventually fall asleep still listening. I don't cry immediately when I hear them anymore. I concentrate on the lyrics and how each and every one of those songs has such meaning.
Anyway...I'm proud to say this is the first note that I have not sobbed through writing for a few weeks. May mean nothing...or it may mean that although I miss my Daddy - I really do appreciate every single one of you. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. (My non sobbing night might have to do with the fact that I'm snuggled up in bed with clean sheets and jammies. THAT is part of my vision of heaven - clean sheets and jammies every night and I don't have to do the laundry or make the bed!)
I think I'm going to start a blog tomorrow. I'm just feeling a tug to do that in case someone else grieving for a special person in their life would stumble on it. I'll post a link when I get it up.
I am angry...
Tonight?
I am angry.
I am angry that I don't have my Dad anymore. I am angry that he left me. I am angry that cancer took him from me.
I am angry that he won't get to see Gigi grow up. I am angry that he won't see the other kids grow up. I am angry that the kids don't have their Papa anymore.
I am angry that I'm not more like him with ambition and drive. I am angry that I don't know how to fix things like he did. I am angry that I have to say 'did' instead of 'does.' I am angry that everytime someone is trying to be nice and ask how I'm doing I want to blurt out, "How do you think? My dad just died."
I am angry that if I ever meet someone to share my life with that person will not get to meet him. I am angry that if I were ever to get married again he won't be there.
I am angry that my mom is alone. I am angry that my mom is sad and lonely. I am angry that at 60 years old she thinks she will be alone for the rest of her life.
I am angry that I never get to ride in an airplane with him again. I am angry that I can't make fun of his baldness or Matt Lauer haircut anymore. I am angry that he can't be angry with me over stupid things a man I used to be married to does and says.
I am angry that grief sucks so much. I am angry that I go to bed early and lay and look at the ceiling in the dark and cry. I am angry that I'm crying.
I am angry that I didn't take the time to ask more questions about everything from wiring to Vietnam. I am angry that he died like he did with everyone just waiting for him to die.
I am angry that my heart is broken. I am angry that my heart will always have a big hole in it where he used to be. I am angry that we were supposed to have MORE TIME. I am angry that I feel cheated.
I am angry that I don't like Jack Daniels and feel like without it I can't toast him properly. I am angry that I saw an infomercial today and just *knew* he would've bought it. I am angry that I can't buy him some U-Glu and surprise him. I am angry that he has been ripped away from all of us.
Tonight...I am just angry.
I am angry.
I am angry that I don't have my Dad anymore. I am angry that he left me. I am angry that cancer took him from me.
I am angry that he won't get to see Gigi grow up. I am angry that he won't see the other kids grow up. I am angry that the kids don't have their Papa anymore.
I am angry that I'm not more like him with ambition and drive. I am angry that I don't know how to fix things like he did. I am angry that I have to say 'did' instead of 'does.' I am angry that everytime someone is trying to be nice and ask how I'm doing I want to blurt out, "How do you think? My dad just died."
I am angry that if I ever meet someone to share my life with that person will not get to meet him. I am angry that if I were ever to get married again he won't be there.
I am angry that my mom is alone. I am angry that my mom is sad and lonely. I am angry that at 60 years old she thinks she will be alone for the rest of her life.
I am angry that I never get to ride in an airplane with him again. I am angry that I can't make fun of his baldness or Matt Lauer haircut anymore. I am angry that he can't be angry with me over stupid things a man I used to be married to does and says.
I am angry that grief sucks so much. I am angry that I go to bed early and lay and look at the ceiling in the dark and cry. I am angry that I'm crying.
I am angry that I didn't take the time to ask more questions about everything from wiring to Vietnam. I am angry that he died like he did with everyone just waiting for him to die.
I am angry that my heart is broken. I am angry that my heart will always have a big hole in it where he used to be. I am angry that we were supposed to have MORE TIME. I am angry that I feel cheated.
I am angry that I don't like Jack Daniels and feel like without it I can't toast him properly. I am angry that I saw an infomercial today and just *knew* he would've bought it. I am angry that I can't buy him some U-Glu and surprise him. I am angry that he has been ripped away from all of us.
Tonight...I am just angry.
July...
July used to mean celebrations and fireworks. Picnics and camping. Boating and playing...July now means...sadness.
At the end of June (which I'm including as July because it lumps together well) Gigi's BFF moved really far away. It wasn't just Gigi's BFF - it was the entire H family - 6 kids and 2 fabulous parents. These people were a second family, my parents neighbors - seldom did a day go by that we didn't talk to one of them. They moved to pursue an excellent opportunity but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
July 4th...supposed to be a celebration. Our nations birthday. To me? It won't be a celebration again. This was the day that I really realized that my Daddy was not going to get better and have a few more years. I thought maybe a few months that day. Little did we realize it would be a few days.
You've all followed the journey we took for the large part of July. July 13th - the day my Daddy got his angel wings. July 17th - the day we remembered my Daddy at his memorial. July 23rd - the day I really realized he is not coming back :(
Last night Gigi and I were riding in the car with my mom and aunt. As we were driving past the airport my mom's phone rang. In my heart I thought it would be my Dad checking in. My head didn't take over until I heard that it was not my Daddy on the phone. My Daddy won't be calling anymore. My Daddy won't be coming home.
This morning I walked down to my basement and as I hit the floor I heard a splash. My basement was wet. Normally my first reaction to any house issue is to call my Dad. He tells me what to do. Shaking and starting to cry I picked up the phone and started dialing. I got four digits in and again my mind reminded me what my heart had forgotten. My Daddy wasn't going to be on the other end. Crying harder I hung up and dialed my Mom instead. I sobbed into the phone about my wet basement. She said she would come to my house soon.
This is when Gigi decided to ask lots of questions. "Why are you crying Mommy?" "Are you sad because Papa is in Heaven or because the floor is wet?" "How did the floor get wet?" And I sobbed some more and yelled. Oops. Then I sent her outside. Thankfully some neighbors that are always outside when their kids are outside were there and she could play while her mom had a nervous breakdown. I owe them.
So...my mom showed up and came to my basement. It really wasn't that much water as she lovingly pointed out. I don't think that was the problem at all. The problem is I miss my Daddy. Maybe my subconcious was thinking that maybe my Daddy would come to rescue me. My Mama was a pretty good substitute though. I want my Daddy to help me with my house. I want him to show up at my front door to work on my 'Daddy Do' list. I want him to yell at me and say, "are you bleeding? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." I want my Daddy here. Pretty selfish I know.
So...this dismal month continues. Next week my sister and her family are moving. Its only 100 miles or so, but I am so very very sad and will miss them. I won't be able to attend a large number of basketball games, softball games or random programs at school. It just adds to the sadness of this month.
No job. No job prospects at this point. Running low on funds. Miss my Daddy. Miss my friends. Going to miss my sister and her family. Miss my girl as she left to go with Daddy for a week.
Can I fast forward a month or two when the pain isn't so raw?
At the end of June (which I'm including as July because it lumps together well) Gigi's BFF moved really far away. It wasn't just Gigi's BFF - it was the entire H family - 6 kids and 2 fabulous parents. These people were a second family, my parents neighbors - seldom did a day go by that we didn't talk to one of them. They moved to pursue an excellent opportunity but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
July 4th...supposed to be a celebration. Our nations birthday. To me? It won't be a celebration again. This was the day that I really realized that my Daddy was not going to get better and have a few more years. I thought maybe a few months that day. Little did we realize it would be a few days.
You've all followed the journey we took for the large part of July. July 13th - the day my Daddy got his angel wings. July 17th - the day we remembered my Daddy at his memorial. July 23rd - the day I really realized he is not coming back :(
Last night Gigi and I were riding in the car with my mom and aunt. As we were driving past the airport my mom's phone rang. In my heart I thought it would be my Dad checking in. My head didn't take over until I heard that it was not my Daddy on the phone. My Daddy won't be calling anymore. My Daddy won't be coming home.
This morning I walked down to my basement and as I hit the floor I heard a splash. My basement was wet. Normally my first reaction to any house issue is to call my Dad. He tells me what to do. Shaking and starting to cry I picked up the phone and started dialing. I got four digits in and again my mind reminded me what my heart had forgotten. My Daddy wasn't going to be on the other end. Crying harder I hung up and dialed my Mom instead. I sobbed into the phone about my wet basement. She said she would come to my house soon.
This is when Gigi decided to ask lots of questions. "Why are you crying Mommy?" "Are you sad because Papa is in Heaven or because the floor is wet?" "How did the floor get wet?" And I sobbed some more and yelled. Oops. Then I sent her outside. Thankfully some neighbors that are always outside when their kids are outside were there and she could play while her mom had a nervous breakdown. I owe them.
So...my mom showed up and came to my basement. It really wasn't that much water as she lovingly pointed out. I don't think that was the problem at all. The problem is I miss my Daddy. Maybe my subconcious was thinking that maybe my Daddy would come to rescue me. My Mama was a pretty good substitute though. I want my Daddy to help me with my house. I want him to show up at my front door to work on my 'Daddy Do' list. I want him to yell at me and say, "are you bleeding? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." I want my Daddy here. Pretty selfish I know.
So...this dismal month continues. Next week my sister and her family are moving. Its only 100 miles or so, but I am so very very sad and will miss them. I won't be able to attend a large number of basketball games, softball games or random programs at school. It just adds to the sadness of this month.
No job. No job prospects at this point. Running low on funds. Miss my Daddy. Miss my friends. Going to miss my sister and her family. Miss my girl as she left to go with Daddy for a week.
Can I fast forward a month or two when the pain isn't so raw?
Memories...
The last couple days I have had constant thought about my Daddy and memories of him. These are just a few I jotted down...
I want to remember...
* that he always ordered his Starbucks by saying "Tall. Black. Bold. Own cup." Every time. I bought him his last Starbucks last week.
*that after making fun of my Birkenstocks he actually tried a pair on and wore them for the last 10 years religiously
*his blue eyes
*that Gigi liked to tickle his toes and often that is the closest she would get to him
*the way his eyes would light up when his grandkids came in the room
*the smile in his heart the day he bought Green Girl, his first airplane and the pride he took in Ruby - his 2nd
*the grief he had when he sold Ruby - he was the saddest I had ever seen him that day
*how he used to play the Fun Machine organ at Christmas time and "our" song that included the lyrics "Please take me home...and LOVE-A me"
*his favorite restaurant was a hole in the wall steakhouse and how it took him so long to figure out how Mom knew he went there. (He smelled like smoke)
*him fishing - or really him driving the boat to take Mama fishing
*how he would always say he wanted something for a gift at Christmas and Birthday time but two days later would buy it himself
*how much he loved Lulu excel at everything
*how much it hurt him when Mo was diagnosed
*the anguish he had to have gone through knowing that Gigi and I were not living in a safe situation
*his collection of golf shirts and travel mugs
*how every meal he would spill something on his shirt
*wearing his matching jammies on Christmas morning
*him reading the Christmas story from the bible when we couldn't go to church on Christmas Eve because of a snowstorm
*him coming to my house with a snowblower that he left here
*the playhouse he built for Gigi that took less time than the 'Mansion in Minutes' dollhouse that he made for Lulu
*that Gigi thinks her Papa can fix ANYTHING
*that when my friends were trying to take down my loft in college (two years in a row!) they had such an awful time because he had tightened everything so tight. He didn't want me to fall.
*that my freshman year my carpet was wall to wall because my Daddy bought it off the roll. He installed it and then took my door off and cut off part of it because the carpet was thick. Shhhh...don't tell anyone at Augie
*watching he and my mom drive away in their green pickup after dropping me off at college. They left abruptly just to get it over with. I watched them drive away from my window sobbing.
*how I would tell anyone that my parents were moving here my sophomore year that they were moving solely because they missed me. In reality it was a move that made sense and was good - and deep down I was excited to have them here. I had a year alone to spread my wings then my comfort came back close - not too close - but in the same city
*how my dad used to drive around. Looking at big houses, looking at cars, looking at Christmas lights. He liked to drive.
This is just the tip of the iceberg and I'm sure I'll have lots of these notes in the coming days and weeks.
If you knew my Daddy, what was your favorite memory of him? What do you not want to forget? What do you want me to know that I might not know?
I want to remember...
* that he always ordered his Starbucks by saying "Tall. Black. Bold. Own cup." Every time. I bought him his last Starbucks last week.
*that after making fun of my Birkenstocks he actually tried a pair on and wore them for the last 10 years religiously
*his blue eyes
*that Gigi liked to tickle his toes and often that is the closest she would get to him
*the way his eyes would light up when his grandkids came in the room
*the smile in his heart the day he bought Green Girl, his first airplane and the pride he took in Ruby - his 2nd
*the grief he had when he sold Ruby - he was the saddest I had ever seen him that day
*how he used to play the Fun Machine organ at Christmas time and "our" song that included the lyrics "Please take me home...and LOVE-A me"
*his favorite restaurant was a hole in the wall steakhouse and how it took him so long to figure out how Mom knew he went there. (He smelled like smoke)
*him fishing - or really him driving the boat to take Mama fishing
*how he would always say he wanted something for a gift at Christmas and Birthday time but two days later would buy it himself
*how much he loved Lulu excel at everything
*how much it hurt him when Mo was diagnosed
*the anguish he had to have gone through knowing that Gigi and I were not living in a safe situation
*his collection of golf shirts and travel mugs
*how every meal he would spill something on his shirt
*wearing his matching jammies on Christmas morning
*him reading the Christmas story from the bible when we couldn't go to church on Christmas Eve because of a snowstorm
*him coming to my house with a snowblower that he left here
*the playhouse he built for Gigi that took less time than the 'Mansion in Minutes' dollhouse that he made for Lulu
*that Gigi thinks her Papa can fix ANYTHING
*that when my friends were trying to take down my loft in college (two years in a row!) they had such an awful time because he had tightened everything so tight. He didn't want me to fall.
*that my freshman year my carpet was wall to wall because my Daddy bought it off the roll. He installed it and then took my door off and cut off part of it because the carpet was thick. Shhhh...don't tell anyone at Augie
*watching he and my mom drive away in their green pickup after dropping me off at college. They left abruptly just to get it over with. I watched them drive away from my window sobbing.
*how I would tell anyone that my parents were moving here my sophomore year that they were moving solely because they missed me. In reality it was a move that made sense and was good - and deep down I was excited to have them here. I had a year alone to spread my wings then my comfort came back close - not too close - but in the same city
*how my dad used to drive around. Looking at big houses, looking at cars, looking at Christmas lights. He liked to drive.
This is just the tip of the iceberg and I'm sure I'll have lots of these notes in the coming days and weeks.
If you knew my Daddy, what was your favorite memory of him? What do you not want to forget? What do you want me to know that I might not know?
I miss him...
From a Facebook note:
It still doesn't seem real. He's coming home from a work trip tomorrow, right? And we will all go to the house for burgers on the grill because he hasn't seen his grandkids for a week or so and needs a 'kid fix.' Right?
His obituary will be in the paper tomorrow. That will make it more real. You know what else makes it real? Needing his advice. I need to talk to my Daddy about how sad I am that I lost my Daddy. He would tell me what to do and tell me to "Get 'R Done."
I am afraid that I will forget. Forget that when he went to Starbucks that he ordered his coffee by saying "Tall. Black. Bold. Own cup." Will I forget that when my mom was out of town that K and I took turns 'feeding and watering' him? Will Gigi remember how much he loved being Papa?
He was such a fantastic Papa. It makes me incredibly sad that the kids will no longer get to climb on his lap for a story. Or that Gigi can't ask him to fix something completely unfixable but he will try because according to her "Papa can fix ANYTHING."
Can Papa fix my broken heart? I wish he could. I miss him. I miss his rule over the television. I miss him telling me to get a job. I miss hearing him tell us he was headed to the hangar. I miss him getting mad because I still had stuff in the hangar. I miss walking in the house and see him in his chair. I miss being so proud of him when he was talking about someone he mentored. I miss his voice. I miss making fun of the fact that his socks always had holes in the bottom and he never knew it. I miss his advice. I just miss HIM.
I hope and pray this eventually gets easier for all of us. I know in my heart that he is in a better place. No more hurt, no more cancer. He's flying his airplane with Jesus. God really IS his co-pilot. I know I will meet him again some day.
All of that gives me comfort but still doesn't fill the ginormous whole in my heart.
We have been busy sorting through pictures and getting songs for a DVD. Busy with memorial service planning and figuring out what defines him to have at the funeral home. Most of the tasks are finished. Now comes the hard part. Not being busy but yet keeping it together.
I want to thank each one of you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers over the past few days (and weeks...and months). You will never know just how much the messages keep me going. I am so glad that I am able to share a little bit of my Daddy with you if you didn't know him.
He was 'good people' and will be missed by so many. I hurt for all of you that are grieving for him right now too.
I just miss him so much.
Tomorrow morning at about 9:30 my Daddy's body will make the journey north to the medical school where he donated his body. I pray that the students will learn from him and maybe because of that will be able to save someone else's Daddy.
I miss him
It still doesn't seem real. He's coming home from a work trip tomorrow, right? And we will all go to the house for burgers on the grill because he hasn't seen his grandkids for a week or so and needs a 'kid fix.' Right?
His obituary will be in the paper tomorrow. That will make it more real. You know what else makes it real? Needing his advice. I need to talk to my Daddy about how sad I am that I lost my Daddy. He would tell me what to do and tell me to "Get 'R Done."
I am afraid that I will forget. Forget that when he went to Starbucks that he ordered his coffee by saying "Tall. Black. Bold. Own cup." Will I forget that when my mom was out of town that K and I took turns 'feeding and watering' him? Will Gigi remember how much he loved being Papa?
He was such a fantastic Papa. It makes me incredibly sad that the kids will no longer get to climb on his lap for a story. Or that Gigi can't ask him to fix something completely unfixable but he will try because according to her "Papa can fix ANYTHING."
Can Papa fix my broken heart? I wish he could. I miss him. I miss his rule over the television. I miss him telling me to get a job. I miss hearing him tell us he was headed to the hangar. I miss him getting mad because I still had stuff in the hangar. I miss walking in the house and see him in his chair. I miss being so proud of him when he was talking about someone he mentored. I miss his voice. I miss making fun of the fact that his socks always had holes in the bottom and he never knew it. I miss his advice. I just miss HIM.
I hope and pray this eventually gets easier for all of us. I know in my heart that he is in a better place. No more hurt, no more cancer. He's flying his airplane with Jesus. God really IS his co-pilot. I know I will meet him again some day.
All of that gives me comfort but still doesn't fill the ginormous whole in my heart.
We have been busy sorting through pictures and getting songs for a DVD. Busy with memorial service planning and figuring out what defines him to have at the funeral home. Most of the tasks are finished. Now comes the hard part. Not being busy but yet keeping it together.
I want to thank each one of you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers over the past few days (and weeks...and months). You will never know just how much the messages keep me going. I am so glad that I am able to share a little bit of my Daddy with you if you didn't know him.
He was 'good people' and will be missed by so many. I hurt for all of you that are grieving for him right now too.
I just miss him so much.
Tomorrow morning at about 9:30 my Daddy's body will make the journey north to the medical school where he donated his body. I pray that the students will learn from him and maybe because of that will be able to save someone else's Daddy.
I miss him
He's Gone
This is not something I wrote on Facebook...
Monday night, July 12th I couldn't decide if I should go home and sleep or stay at the hospital. The nurse said that if it were her she would go home because he was pretty stable at that point.
Tuesday morning at 1:45 am my phone rant and it was my mom. "You need to get here," she said. I was all ready to go and walked onto his floor and down the hall at 1:55. My sister met me there and said simply, "He's gone."
At 1:40 am the nurse had been in and told my mom he still sounded good. At 1:45 my mom noticed his breathing change. She called the nurse in and the nurse checked and his heart was still beating faintly. He took one more big breath and then just...stopped. At the end it was peaceful - which is what we had all been hoping for. After the struggles of the past week - him being uncomfortable, seizures, snoring, apnea and many other things - at the end he was peaceful. I am very thankful for that.
My mom asked the nurse for a few minutes by herself and when I arrived my sister and I went into the room as well. We played "How Great Thou Art" by the Statler Brothers and said goodbye. He was finally peaceful. But then...my Daddy was gone.
Monday night, July 12th I couldn't decide if I should go home and sleep or stay at the hospital. The nurse said that if it were her she would go home because he was pretty stable at that point.
Tuesday morning at 1:45 am my phone rant and it was my mom. "You need to get here," she said. I was all ready to go and walked onto his floor and down the hall at 1:55. My sister met me there and said simply, "He's gone."
At 1:40 am the nurse had been in and told my mom he still sounded good. At 1:45 my mom noticed his breathing change. She called the nurse in and the nurse checked and his heart was still beating faintly. He took one more big breath and then just...stopped. At the end it was peaceful - which is what we had all been hoping for. After the struggles of the past week - him being uncomfortable, seizures, snoring, apnea and many other things - at the end he was peaceful. I am very thankful for that.
My mom asked the nurse for a few minutes by herself and when I arrived my sister and I went into the room as well. We played "How Great Thou Art" by the Statler Brothers and said goodbye. He was finally peaceful. But then...my Daddy was gone.
July 5th
Two months is too little.
They let him go - they had no sudden healing.
-Natalie Grant
"Held"
While the song I quoted above is about parents losing their child, it seems somewhat prophetic.
His heart rate is high and his blood pressure is very very low. His kidneys are no longer functioning.
We pray today for God's peace. No more pain. They are working hard to keep him comfortable.
And now? We wait. And pray. No more pain. But no more pain means no more Papa.
We have told him its okay to go. We will be okay. We have great family and friends that will help us through this.
Right now I would love to be selfish and scream at the doctors to do something - ANYTHING - so we have more time. But that is not what is best.
We got the oppurtunity to do what many people do not get to do and say goodbye. He knows. He squeezed my hand so tight.
This is all jumbled up but the gist is...please join me in praying for peace for my Daddy.
They let him go - they had no sudden healing.
-Natalie Grant
"Held"
While the song I quoted above is about parents losing their child, it seems somewhat prophetic.
His heart rate is high and his blood pressure is very very low. His kidneys are no longer functioning.
We pray today for God's peace. No more pain. They are working hard to keep him comfortable.
And now? We wait. And pray. No more pain. But no more pain means no more Papa.
We have told him its okay to go. We will be okay. We have great family and friends that will help us through this.
Right now I would love to be selfish and scream at the doctors to do something - ANYTHING - so we have more time. But that is not what is best.
We got the oppurtunity to do what many people do not get to do and say goodbye. He knows. He squeezed my hand so tight.
This is all jumbled up but the gist is...please join me in praying for peace for my Daddy.
July 3rd Dad update
So...not a lot to report. The staph infection that was in h is head has also gone to his blood. They have changed his pain medication to Fentanyl and Oxycontin.
My mom has been staying up there with him because he literally has no words. Nothing. He can gesture NO with his hands but that is all I saw. Because my mom has been staying there and not going home she asked me to run to her house and grab a few things. Gigi and I went and did that and then went to the hospital.
As we were parking in the garage Gigi pipes up and says, "Hey...why aren't the red guys parking us?" The red guys are the valet parking service at the hospital. They really encourage people to use the valet service because there is not many parking spaces around and due to construction of a new heart hospital it's even tighter. So...how many times do you think that kiddo has been to the hospital lately to know that it's odd for the "red guys" not to park us?
Anyway...we ran up to drop the stuff off for my mom. My dad didn't even really acknowlege that we were there which is really hard. He loves his grandkids and usually just lights up when he sees them. I'm not even sure he knew who I was, let alone who Gigi was :(
My mom took Gigi in search of a treat and I sat there for a few minutes with my dad. He is agitated and frustrated. The man who always has so much to say can't say a damn thing. He will most likely need speech therapy and need to continue with his physical and occupational therapy when he is discharged.
My mom said earlier that it feels like she is on a rollercoaster. I don't feel that way unless the rollercoaster has no uphill and just keeps going down, down, down. Just one week ago my dad was at an airshow watching "the best performance of the Blue Angels" he'd ever seen. Today? He can't even talk.
Cancer sucks.
My mom has been staying up there with him because he literally has no words. Nothing. He can gesture NO with his hands but that is all I saw. Because my mom has been staying there and not going home she asked me to run to her house and grab a few things. Gigi and I went and did that and then went to the hospital.
As we were parking in the garage Gigi pipes up and says, "Hey...why aren't the red guys parking us?" The red guys are the valet parking service at the hospital. They really encourage people to use the valet service because there is not many parking spaces around and due to construction of a new heart hospital it's even tighter. So...how many times do you think that kiddo has been to the hospital lately to know that it's odd for the "red guys" not to park us?
Anyway...we ran up to drop the stuff off for my mom. My dad didn't even really acknowlege that we were there which is really hard. He loves his grandkids and usually just lights up when he sees them. I'm not even sure he knew who I was, let alone who Gigi was :(
My mom took Gigi in search of a treat and I sat there for a few minutes with my dad. He is agitated and frustrated. The man who always has so much to say can't say a damn thing. He will most likely need speech therapy and need to continue with his physical and occupational therapy when he is discharged.
My mom said earlier that it feels like she is on a rollercoaster. I don't feel that way unless the rollercoaster has no uphill and just keeps going down, down, down. Just one week ago my dad was at an airshow watching "the best performance of the Blue Angels" he'd ever seen. Today? He can't even talk.
Cancer sucks.
June 30th Update on Dad
***Warning...some of this is gross***
Yesterday my dad had surgery to place a port (drain) in his head to drain the subdural hematoma that had developed. Also while they were in there they placed an IVC filter in a major vein so that if the blood clot in his leg were to break loose this filter will hopefully stop it from getting to the lungs, heart or brain.
Gigi and I stopped up quick last night to say Happy Birthday to him and he didn't say much, but was happy to see her.
Today...today is another challenging day. After surgery yesterday, the neurosurgeon said things like, "In the worst case scenario" and "there is tiny chance of..." and all of things came true. This was also the surgeon that originally told us that the tumor was likely benign with a "slight chance of malignancy." Ummm...hello brain cancer. So I don't trust the doctor when he says worst case scenario because that WILL happen.
Today he had another surgery to go in and remove the 'flap' that they originally cut out when they were operating on the tumor. Flap is a prettier word than saying "removing a piece of skull. FOREVER." So they went in and took this flap out and used liters of fluid to clean out the infection that had set in in his brain. The bone was not damaged greatly by the infection which is a good sign. They also removed a minimal amount of infected/dead tissue from the infection and also his radiation treatments. Before closing him back up they placed a membrane between his brain and his skin so that when (or if my dad chooses) they go back in they can put a piece of medical mesh over the void in his skull. This would be done in 6 months. He could also choose to just have a permanent soft spot on his head, much like a newborn baby.
After surgery, he returned to the Acute Neuro floor (and NOT the ICU - YAY for small things!). I was not there when he returned (because Gigi is HOME from a week with her Daddy. I'm so glad to have her home :) ) but my mom said he is talking but not making much sense because of all the fun drugs they gave him for surgery and for pain.
With my non-sleeping issues of late I'm a bit jealous of those drugs. LOL.
So...now they will hopefully remove the port (drain) tomorrow which is a simple procedure in the hospital room and then he will be a prisoner there at least through the weekend - given that he has a big gaping HOLE in his head. He was a bit ornery before surgery today - I think he is as frustrated as the rest of us that the worst case scenario keeps happening to him!! They are also going to slowly wean him off the steroids as those affect the immune system and the healing process. It's a delicate balance of needing the steroids to help with swelling and being off of them to heal and feel better.
As soon as blood cultures are back the infectious disease specialist will place a PICC line and that will make it much easier to get anything in (or blood out for their million times a day blood draw) like antibiotics. He is getting so used to the name/birthday drill that last night my aunt walked up to him to say hello and he immediately started rattling off "6/29/47" and then realized who she was. But they do that to make sure that all the right stuff is being given to or done to him so that's comforting.
All of my family appreciates all of the prayers and thoughts that are being sent our way. We have an army of prayer warriors and at this point, faith is going to get us through. Thank you all and I love you!!!
Yesterday my dad had surgery to place a port (drain) in his head to drain the subdural hematoma that had developed. Also while they were in there they placed an IVC filter in a major vein so that if the blood clot in his leg were to break loose this filter will hopefully stop it from getting to the lungs, heart or brain.
Gigi and I stopped up quick last night to say Happy Birthday to him and he didn't say much, but was happy to see her.
Today...today is another challenging day. After surgery yesterday, the neurosurgeon said things like, "In the worst case scenario" and "there is tiny chance of..." and all of things came true. This was also the surgeon that originally told us that the tumor was likely benign with a "slight chance of malignancy." Ummm...hello brain cancer. So I don't trust the doctor when he says worst case scenario because that WILL happen.
Today he had another surgery to go in and remove the 'flap' that they originally cut out when they were operating on the tumor. Flap is a prettier word than saying "removing a piece of skull. FOREVER." So they went in and took this flap out and used liters of fluid to clean out the infection that had set in in his brain. The bone was not damaged greatly by the infection which is a good sign. They also removed a minimal amount of infected/dead tissue from the infection and also his radiation treatments. Before closing him back up they placed a membrane between his brain and his skin so that when (or if my dad chooses) they go back in they can put a piece of medical mesh over the void in his skull. This would be done in 6 months. He could also choose to just have a permanent soft spot on his head, much like a newborn baby.
After surgery, he returned to the Acute Neuro floor (and NOT the ICU - YAY for small things!). I was not there when he returned (because Gigi is HOME from a week with her Daddy. I'm so glad to have her home :) ) but my mom said he is talking but not making much sense because of all the fun drugs they gave him for surgery and for pain.
With my non-sleeping issues of late I'm a bit jealous of those drugs. LOL.
So...now they will hopefully remove the port (drain) tomorrow which is a simple procedure in the hospital room and then he will be a prisoner there at least through the weekend - given that he has a big gaping HOLE in his head. He was a bit ornery before surgery today - I think he is as frustrated as the rest of us that the worst case scenario keeps happening to him!! They are also going to slowly wean him off the steroids as those affect the immune system and the healing process. It's a delicate balance of needing the steroids to help with swelling and being off of them to heal and feel better.
As soon as blood cultures are back the infectious disease specialist will place a PICC line and that will make it much easier to get anything in (or blood out for their million times a day blood draw) like antibiotics. He is getting so used to the name/birthday drill that last night my aunt walked up to him to say hello and he immediately started rattling off "6/29/47" and then realized who she was. But they do that to make sure that all the right stuff is being given to or done to him so that's comforting.
All of my family appreciates all of the prayers and thoughts that are being sent our way. We have an army of prayer warriors and at this point, faith is going to get us through. Thank you all and I love you!!!
June 28th Dad update
The next posts will be copied in their entirety from my Facebook Notes that I wrote on the dates in the titles.
June 28th Dad update
The headache that started yesterday was caused by swelling in my dad's brain and is therefore pushing on nerves and other "brain stuff." In the CT scan yesterday they found blood and thought that he maybe had a brain bleed but after an MRI last night and a visit with the surgeon they now believe that it is old blood. They had talked about draining the area but that is on hold for now.
They took him off the morphine pump because the surgeon didn't want that to mask his pain.They are giving him mega doses of steroids to try and reduce the swelling so that it doesn't hurt him anymore. They took him off the blood thinners for his blood clot in his leg and are just monitoring that for now.
He also has low sodium and a high white blood count so that adds another doctor for him - infectious disease specialist. So he now has a neurologist, a neurosurgeon (who is NOT Dr. McDreamy by the way - very disappointing LOL ), an infectious disease specialist, a family doctor and an oncologist. He is on the neuro acute floor at Sanford and is lucky to have some fabulous nurses and techs as well. His favorite tech from last time is there today and checking in on him.
They are going to do another MRI to check the fluid levels either later today or tomorrow. I was up there earlier today and he was kind of out of it. Due to the pressure in his head he is having trouble getting words out and moving the right side of his body.
So...lots going on. I'll update more when I can but today was WAAAAY too long to put in a status update :)
He had lost a lot of his speech by this point and was struggling to get his words out. They were THERE they just wouldn't come out.
Backing up...
Background...
On April 23, 2010 at 4:10 pm I learned that my Daddy had a brain tumor. He had been having some trouble with the right side of his body and that had led him to the doctor. Many tests later they discovered the tumor. At that time we were very optimistic that it could be removed surgically and was benign. The next week on Wednesday, April 28, 2010 he went into surgery. And our whole world changed.
After his brain surgery there were words thrown around like oncologist, chemo and radiation. Phase III-IV Glioblastoma. Ugly words. He was in the ICU for a few days but after he weaned off the vent from surgery he was ready to "Get 'R Done."
And get 'r done he did. He moved from the ICU, to the Neuro Acute floor to the rehab floor. He was told by his physical and occupational therapists that he was the hardest worker they had ever seen. Medically, he shouldn't have gained his ability to walk and use his right arm again after his surgery. We were told with a glioblastoma tumor that the longest he had was 5 years.
Everyone grabbed on to the *5 years* part. 5 years? That's plenty of time to get bucket list things done. Plenty of time to play with the grandkids, time to finish up projects and plenty of time to say goodbye.
Little did we know how fast things would go.
He fought hard to get out of the hosptial and even after he was out was fighting hard. My parents went fishing and camping and he even traveled a bit for work. His last radiation treatment was June 23, 2010.
That Friday he called the doctor due to some unusual swelling in his head and leg. The doctors mostly concentrated on the leg and put him on blood thinning shots because a clot that had developed during his hospitalization had gotten longer. They thought the swelling in his head was due to his radiation - it was right where the last blast of radiation went.
With his doctors blessing - my parents went to an airshow on June 26. There they got to see the Blue Angels do a spectacular show and my Daddy got a bit of freedom as they had rented a motorized scooter for him to get around. It was a hot day but in his words it was "an awesome show."
The Call...
The morning of June 27, 2010 (my Mama's birthday) I received a call that my Daddy was in the emergency room with an awful headache. Two doses of Fentanyl and a dose of Dilaudid did NOTHING for his pain so they were admitting him with a morphine pump to try and get it under control.
On April 23, 2010 at 4:10 pm I learned that my Daddy had a brain tumor. He had been having some trouble with the right side of his body and that had led him to the doctor. Many tests later they discovered the tumor. At that time we were very optimistic that it could be removed surgically and was benign. The next week on Wednesday, April 28, 2010 he went into surgery. And our whole world changed.
After his brain surgery there were words thrown around like oncologist, chemo and radiation. Phase III-IV Glioblastoma. Ugly words. He was in the ICU for a few days but after he weaned off the vent from surgery he was ready to "Get 'R Done."
And get 'r done he did. He moved from the ICU, to the Neuro Acute floor to the rehab floor. He was told by his physical and occupational therapists that he was the hardest worker they had ever seen. Medically, he shouldn't have gained his ability to walk and use his right arm again after his surgery. We were told with a glioblastoma tumor that the longest he had was 5 years.
Everyone grabbed on to the *5 years* part. 5 years? That's plenty of time to get bucket list things done. Plenty of time to play with the grandkids, time to finish up projects and plenty of time to say goodbye.
Little did we know how fast things would go.
He fought hard to get out of the hosptial and even after he was out was fighting hard. My parents went fishing and camping and he even traveled a bit for work. His last radiation treatment was June 23, 2010.
That Friday he called the doctor due to some unusual swelling in his head and leg. The doctors mostly concentrated on the leg and put him on blood thinning shots because a clot that had developed during his hospitalization had gotten longer. They thought the swelling in his head was due to his radiation - it was right where the last blast of radiation went.
With his doctors blessing - my parents went to an airshow on June 26. There they got to see the Blue Angels do a spectacular show and my Daddy got a bit of freedom as they had rented a motorized scooter for him to get around. It was a hot day but in his words it was "an awesome show."
The Call...
The morning of June 27, 2010 (my Mama's birthday) I received a call that my Daddy was in the emergency room with an awful headache. Two doses of Fentanyl and a dose of Dilaudid did NOTHING for his pain so they were admitting him with a morphine pump to try and get it under control.
Here it is...
Well...here it is. My blog.
Why a blog? I'm grieving. It helps me immensely to write out my feelings and get feedback from friends and total strangers.
My dad is dead. The greatest man I've ever known passed away July 13th from complications of brain cancer. What an ugly word. Cancer. Yuck.
I will most likely post some of my ramblings that I have posted in other places so that I can keep everything in one place.
Why a blog? I'm grieving. It helps me immensely to write out my feelings and get feedback from friends and total strangers.
My dad is dead. The greatest man I've ever known passed away July 13th from complications of brain cancer. What an ugly word. Cancer. Yuck.
I will most likely post some of my ramblings that I have posted in other places so that I can keep everything in one place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)