I'm a good person. Intrinsicly I care about people and want to make their lives better. I have pretty much believed my whole life that because I am a good person - bad things will not happen.
Now where is the fallacy in that thinking? Bad things do happen to good people. I just never thought it would happen to me. Does that somehow mean that when bad things did happen to good people that I somehow thought they deserved it? The answer to that is not really. It should be an emphatic no but it's not really.
I was married once - to the man I believed was the love of my life. Sometimes that "love" was not very nice to me. I chalked it up to stress, money issues and just not being good enough for him. After all, I was a good person and God wouldn't allow one of his "good people" to be in an abusive relationship, right? Right? Wrong.
Luckily I got out with just my self confidence destroyed, but still alive - and with a beautiful little girl. I went back to my life - living and loving Gigi. I was a good person that was in a bad situation and got out. More power to me!
Two years ago my nephew was diagnosed with Leukemia. But we are good people I shouted to God. Yes, shouted. God and I have had some pretty good shouting matches because who else is really going to take that? We.Are.Good.People.
My family dealt with that diagnosis. Mo - the one actually diagnosed - did MUCH better than any of the adults. My niece Lulu handled it with grace beyond her years. We learned, we loved him and we grew closer. It became just a "bump in the road." (and my sister may disagree with that statement as he is still in treatment - but it just became a different way of life for everyone).
But we are good people. Things like a 7 year old getting Leukemia don't happen to good people, right?
I wrote that off as a blip - a second where bad things DO happen to good people. We dealt. His parents dealt in their way, my parents in their way and me in my way. But yet? We were all still good people.
I lost my job in February the day after my mom had a nasty fall on the ice and I was very concerned about her. But I'm a good person. Nothing bad would happen to my mom, right? Luckily (because she is good person I'm sure) she suffered a pretty bad concussion but didn't have any permanent damage.
The job thing? Destroyed my self confidence and WHO I was. My parents helped pull me up by my bootstraps because...you guessed it...they are GOOD PEOPLE. The best in fact.
April 23rd 2010. 4:10 pm. My Daddy called me and told me he had a brain tumor. A BRAIN TUMOR. I knew he had been going to the doctor and having tests but surely it was something easily fixable. Or something that could maybe affect day to day but nothing serious. But he had a brain tumor.
But you know...that brain tumor was going to be benign because (say it with me) we are GOOD PEOPLE. Wrongo buckaroo. Not only not benign - but cancer and not removable at that. We made plans for the 5 years we were sure to have with him. Because no one had ever lived with a glioblastoma past the 5 year mark - but my Daddy was determined to be that one in a million. That one that survived 6 years. A simple 5 years would have meant seeing Lulu get her pilot's license and see her graduate. See the other grandchildren become actual little people instead of just crazy preschoolers. See the end of Mo's treatment and celebrate that wonderful day of his last chemo dose.
But then? Everything was wrong. Two and half months and he was...gone. But I'm a good person Lord, why do I have to suffer this pain? Why did I have to lose my Daddy so quickly? Why wasn't he allowed to be with us for more time?
We are good people...we deserved more time. Or so we thought. I felt entitled to MORE TIME - because after all, I'm a good person.
So what I have I learned? Bad things happen to good people. Good people suffer and good people get hurt. Good people miss the ones they love and still long for more time. Good people can want these things and admit these things and still be good people. Good people can yell at God - because seriously, who else would be able to take it?
Some days I feel like the blow up clown that people punch and just keeps popping back up (I'll save my hatred and intense fear of clowns for another post). C'mon - hit me again! And again! Try it again and I'll still keep popping up.
Today I feel like maybe that creepy clown has developed a hole. The air is slowly leaking and he doesn't bounce back. Someday it will be patched up.
Someday I will not feel the intense sadness I feel every single day right now. Someday I will be able to share memories and not tear up. Someday I will be able to see that everything does happen for a reason. Someday I will see my Daddy again in Heaven.
Because? I am a good person.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sleeping...
Sleeping is something I used to enjoy so much. I could go to bed early and wake up late. Sleep all day. It was not unusual for me to say at 8:00 pm "I'm tired and going to sleep." That is until the day Gigi entered my life.
Gigi? Is not a sleeper. She does not enjoy the act of snuggling under the blankets and just BEING. When she wakes up in the morning she is awake. For good. No snooze button. No leisurely cartoons snuggled up with Mama. She's UP!
Going to sleep for her is a chore. She doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it. Mention a nap and it's a meltdown. Now that school has started we are getting into a rountine of her being asleep by 8:30 and this is EARLY by her standards. She is a night owl and can easily stay up late and usually will then sleep in the next morning until 9:00 or 10:00 (yes, I know I'm lucky she sleeps this late. I just wish it wasn't a FIGHT to get her there - seriously, when she was a baby and toddler I would have bruises from her literally fighting me not to go to sleep).
This morning at 4:00 am she decided she was awake. 4:00 AM. There isn't even any kids shows on regular cable at 4:00 am. She hasn't seen 4:00 am since she was a baby and that was a wake up and eat time and then go back to sleep until 9:00. 4:00 am. *yawn*
So since I don't want to introduce the fact to her that in fact Nick Jr and Sprout are on ALL.NIGHT.LONG. we watched an infomercial instead. In my mind it would be so boring she would go back to sleep.
Nope. Now she thinks that a Shark Steam Pocket cleaner thing would be "fun." Well truth be told I think it would be fun too but not $100 of money I don't have fun. So...the infomercial didn't work. She was just awake. At 4:00 am did I mention that? Funny thing is that my Daddy LOVED gadgets and would probably like the Steam Pocket thingy. The man was the first person I knew to own a Salad Shooter. I saw an ad for U-Glu the other day and actually ordered some because it makes me think of him. FYI? U-Glu does NOT live up to my expectations.
Anyway, finally at about 5:00 I put her back in bed and turned the TV on. Being the fabulous mother I am The George Lopez show was on Nick at Nite so she watched that until Dora came on. I fell back asleep for a bit but she has been awake since 4:00 am.
After school a boy ran into her and knocked her down. She had a teeny tiny scrape but cried for 25 minutes and "never wants to go back to that school again because kids are mean!" Drama queen much? She also has a new friend on the playgroud she calls Anty because he likes to put ants down her shirt. I explained that sometimes boys just like to do silly things like that because they want to be her friend. How can I tell her not to call him Anty when I think it's absolutely hilarious that she calls him that?
Again...Mother of The YEAR award winner here.
She is with Daddy right now and I pick her up in about 20 minutes. Let's hope it won't take her a super long time to unwind from his house and go to sleep. And she better sleep past 4:00 tomorrow morning or I'm totally ditching her on the couch with Sprout and going back to sleep.
And my love of sleep? It's still there but sleep does NOT come easy these days. At night I lay down in the dark and memories come flooding back of things I don't want to remember. Like the sound of my dad's breath that last week. Or the way his face look right after he died. How still the room was that early morning. How when I put my head on his chest his heart wasn't beating away. It's hard for me to get these things out of my head so I lay there until I fall asleep from pure exhaustion. Let's hope tonight will be a little earlier bedtime for me and little later wake up time for Gigi.
Gigi? Is not a sleeper. She does not enjoy the act of snuggling under the blankets and just BEING. When she wakes up in the morning she is awake. For good. No snooze button. No leisurely cartoons snuggled up with Mama. She's UP!
Going to sleep for her is a chore. She doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it. Mention a nap and it's a meltdown. Now that school has started we are getting into a rountine of her being asleep by 8:30 and this is EARLY by her standards. She is a night owl and can easily stay up late and usually will then sleep in the next morning until 9:00 or 10:00 (yes, I know I'm lucky she sleeps this late. I just wish it wasn't a FIGHT to get her there - seriously, when she was a baby and toddler I would have bruises from her literally fighting me not to go to sleep).
This morning at 4:00 am she decided she was awake. 4:00 AM. There isn't even any kids shows on regular cable at 4:00 am. She hasn't seen 4:00 am since she was a baby and that was a wake up and eat time and then go back to sleep until 9:00. 4:00 am. *yawn*
So since I don't want to introduce the fact to her that in fact Nick Jr and Sprout are on ALL.NIGHT.LONG. we watched an infomercial instead. In my mind it would be so boring she would go back to sleep.
Nope. Now she thinks that a Shark Steam Pocket cleaner thing would be "fun." Well truth be told I think it would be fun too but not $100 of money I don't have fun. So...the infomercial didn't work. She was just awake. At 4:00 am did I mention that? Funny thing is that my Daddy LOVED gadgets and would probably like the Steam Pocket thingy. The man was the first person I knew to own a Salad Shooter. I saw an ad for U-Glu the other day and actually ordered some because it makes me think of him. FYI? U-Glu does NOT live up to my expectations.
Anyway, finally at about 5:00 I put her back in bed and turned the TV on. Being the fabulous mother I am The George Lopez show was on Nick at Nite so she watched that until Dora came on. I fell back asleep for a bit but she has been awake since 4:00 am.
After school a boy ran into her and knocked her down. She had a teeny tiny scrape but cried for 25 minutes and "never wants to go back to that school again because kids are mean!" Drama queen much? She also has a new friend on the playgroud she calls Anty because he likes to put ants down her shirt. I explained that sometimes boys just like to do silly things like that because they want to be her friend. How can I tell her not to call him Anty when I think it's absolutely hilarious that she calls him that?
Again...Mother of The YEAR award winner here.
She is with Daddy right now and I pick her up in about 20 minutes. Let's hope it won't take her a super long time to unwind from his house and go to sleep. And she better sleep past 4:00 tomorrow morning or I'm totally ditching her on the couch with Sprout and going back to sleep.
And my love of sleep? It's still there but sleep does NOT come easy these days. At night I lay down in the dark and memories come flooding back of things I don't want to remember. Like the sound of my dad's breath that last week. Or the way his face look right after he died. How still the room was that early morning. How when I put my head on his chest his heart wasn't beating away. It's hard for me to get these things out of my head so I lay there until I fall asleep from pure exhaustion. Let's hope tonight will be a little earlier bedtime for me and little later wake up time for Gigi.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
And Downs...
I posted about ups and downs in a post earlier today...then I realized that it's just been a lot of downs lately. Yes, there are good things and I'm really trying to concentrate on those things. And I still have my faith. Because without faith there would literally be nothing.
Today I was very unsettled. Not necessarily sad but not happy. Not nervous about anything just...not right. I don't know why. Apparently many others felt this way today too. What did I do about it?
I went for a drive. Now if you know me and know my sister - I am not the driving around aimlessly one. K is. She put so many miles on her car just driving around. If I'm driving? I most certainly have a destination.
Except for today. That uneasy feeling didn't go away when I got in the car. It didn't go away as I just drove without a destination. It felt a little better after some Wendy's fries and a Frosty but was still there. And then? As I was driving? The tears came. Again.
Out of NOWHERE I was just sobbing and driving. My car was headed south with no destination in mind. Somehow Goldie (that'd be my car - Goldie the Gold Honda) ended up at my Daddy's airport. I didn't go beyond the security fence. I just went and parked in the parking lot and looked at the windsock. Yes, the windsock. The windsock has always been a fascination for Gigi and Papa always drove out of his way at his airport to show her that damn windsock.
The windsock is still there in all it's orange glory blowing in the wind. My Daddy is not there. My Daddy is flying airplanes with Jesus but selfishly I want him here. In my mind I keep telling myself that he is watching over me. I have a hard time reconciling in my mind that he is watching us and seeing how much pain we are in with him gone. But I also have to believe that he has the secret and knows WHY we are missing him so much. Someday when we get to Heaven he will be there with open arms to welcome us and let us in on the secret.
I'm lonely. I have been alone (meaning not married) for going on 5 years. But for some reason the past couple of days this has bothered me more than ever. I miss the simple things of married life like having someone ask how my day was. Or telling something stupid to that no one else would get. I miss being able to rant and rave. I often would talk to my parents about these stupid things. But now - my Daddy is gone and my Mama really doesn't need to hear about Gigi getting lost at school over and over.
I really wish I was as strong as people think I am. Because really I'm not strong at all. I can put on a pretty good act if my Mama or Gigi is around but usually I could turn in to a puddle at any given moment. That's probably why I spend a lot of time alone. No one needs to hear how I'm having trouble sleeping because I'm having nightmares about stupid things like my neighbor taking down my big tree. Or how sometimes when I close my eyes I can't get the image of my dad laying in a hospital bed dying out of my head and the sounds as he gasped for every breath. How sometimes that all I want to do is curl up and cry and cry and cry. I did that last night and it didn't change anything. I'm still just as sad. I'm still just as lonely. He's still just as dead.
Maybe I'm feeling so unsettled because everything else SEEMS unsettled. I don't know what "normal" is anymore. "Normal" is not K and her family living in Iowa. Oh wait...that's the new normal. "Normal" is not my wonderful Mama trying to fill her days so she is busy and therefore the sadness doesn't take over. Oh wait...that new normal thing again.
Someone once told me "I just want my life back" as they were going through a difficult time. I told her at the time that even if she could get her life back it wouldn't be the same. Every day something happens and changes your life. I was so wise then. LOL. But tonight...I want the same thing she did - I want my life back. I want my life back to when my Daddy didn't have cancer. To when he didn't die.
I look at pictures of my friends on Facebook and everyone seems so HAPPY. Smiling faces with boyfriends, girlfriends, sisters, brothers, moms, dads and everything in between. I look at those smiling faces and wonder if I will ever have that true happiness again. I wonder if when people look into my eyes they can see past my smile and know that underneath everything is NOT okay. I worry that it never will be again. I know that time will ease some of the pain but I simply cannot imagine a time when I'll just be able to accept that I will never speak to my Daddy again. That I can never ask for his advice or ask if he knows of someone so I can get an in with a job. I will never hear him laugh with his grandkids or bicker with Mama. I am so afraid I'm going to forget. But the memories bring sadness. It's a vicious cycle. Remember and be sad? Or ignore and be sad but put a smile on my face.
One foot in front of the other and minute by minute. Those have to be my mantras. My Daddy would be pretty angry if I couldn't do either one of those things. But now I worry that my Daddy didn't realize exactly how much he meant to me. I said goodbye, I told him I loved him...but did he really know how much? Did he really know that with him gone it would feel like my world has fallen apart? Did he know how much I looked up to him and admired him? Did he really know how much influence he had on my life? I hope he did. I have to try and believe that he did. I just really really miss him.
Today I was very unsettled. Not necessarily sad but not happy. Not nervous about anything just...not right. I don't know why. Apparently many others felt this way today too. What did I do about it?
I went for a drive. Now if you know me and know my sister - I am not the driving around aimlessly one. K is. She put so many miles on her car just driving around. If I'm driving? I most certainly have a destination.
Except for today. That uneasy feeling didn't go away when I got in the car. It didn't go away as I just drove without a destination. It felt a little better after some Wendy's fries and a Frosty but was still there. And then? As I was driving? The tears came. Again.
Out of NOWHERE I was just sobbing and driving. My car was headed south with no destination in mind. Somehow Goldie (that'd be my car - Goldie the Gold Honda) ended up at my Daddy's airport. I didn't go beyond the security fence. I just went and parked in the parking lot and looked at the windsock. Yes, the windsock. The windsock has always been a fascination for Gigi and Papa always drove out of his way at his airport to show her that damn windsock.
The windsock is still there in all it's orange glory blowing in the wind. My Daddy is not there. My Daddy is flying airplanes with Jesus but selfishly I want him here. In my mind I keep telling myself that he is watching over me. I have a hard time reconciling in my mind that he is watching us and seeing how much pain we are in with him gone. But I also have to believe that he has the secret and knows WHY we are missing him so much. Someday when we get to Heaven he will be there with open arms to welcome us and let us in on the secret.
I'm lonely. I have been alone (meaning not married) for going on 5 years. But for some reason the past couple of days this has bothered me more than ever. I miss the simple things of married life like having someone ask how my day was. Or telling something stupid to that no one else would get. I miss being able to rant and rave. I often would talk to my parents about these stupid things. But now - my Daddy is gone and my Mama really doesn't need to hear about Gigi getting lost at school over and over.
I really wish I was as strong as people think I am. Because really I'm not strong at all. I can put on a pretty good act if my Mama or Gigi is around but usually I could turn in to a puddle at any given moment. That's probably why I spend a lot of time alone. No one needs to hear how I'm having trouble sleeping because I'm having nightmares about stupid things like my neighbor taking down my big tree. Or how sometimes when I close my eyes I can't get the image of my dad laying in a hospital bed dying out of my head and the sounds as he gasped for every breath. How sometimes that all I want to do is curl up and cry and cry and cry. I did that last night and it didn't change anything. I'm still just as sad. I'm still just as lonely. He's still just as dead.
Maybe I'm feeling so unsettled because everything else SEEMS unsettled. I don't know what "normal" is anymore. "Normal" is not K and her family living in Iowa. Oh wait...that's the new normal. "Normal" is not my wonderful Mama trying to fill her days so she is busy and therefore the sadness doesn't take over. Oh wait...that new normal thing again.
Someone once told me "I just want my life back" as they were going through a difficult time. I told her at the time that even if she could get her life back it wouldn't be the same. Every day something happens and changes your life. I was so wise then. LOL. But tonight...I want the same thing she did - I want my life back. I want my life back to when my Daddy didn't have cancer. To when he didn't die.
I look at pictures of my friends on Facebook and everyone seems so HAPPY. Smiling faces with boyfriends, girlfriends, sisters, brothers, moms, dads and everything in between. I look at those smiling faces and wonder if I will ever have that true happiness again. I wonder if when people look into my eyes they can see past my smile and know that underneath everything is NOT okay. I worry that it never will be again. I know that time will ease some of the pain but I simply cannot imagine a time when I'll just be able to accept that I will never speak to my Daddy again. That I can never ask for his advice or ask if he knows of someone so I can get an in with a job. I will never hear him laugh with his grandkids or bicker with Mama. I am so afraid I'm going to forget. But the memories bring sadness. It's a vicious cycle. Remember and be sad? Or ignore and be sad but put a smile on my face.
One foot in front of the other and minute by minute. Those have to be my mantras. My Daddy would be pretty angry if I couldn't do either one of those things. But now I worry that my Daddy didn't realize exactly how much he meant to me. I said goodbye, I told him I loved him...but did he really know how much? Did he really know that with him gone it would feel like my world has fallen apart? Did he know how much I looked up to him and admired him? Did he really know how much influence he had on my life? I hope he did. I have to try and believe that he did. I just really really miss him.
Ups and Downs
Anyone that saw my Facebook status last night knows that I've been up and down the last few days. Last night my status was "Tisti has not given in to the tears and sadness for quite awhile. Tonight? I'm giving in."
And giving in I did. Crying was cathartic. It was cleansing. But it didn't make the sadness go away. And it didn't make anything better. I have no job. No job. No income. I'm starting to freak out a bit.
I feel my brain turning to mush. I need to DO SOMETHING. I need to have a job where I make money. Bills are due. I'm sick of not having any money for fun things. There are a couple job prospects on the horizon - I would really appreciate prayers that one of those job leads pans out. I want to be a productive member of society again. I feel like I'm not doing any good just sitting at home!
So if you could spare a prayer for me today - I would appreciate prayers for a job. Or even just good thoughts or vibes. I'd take anything good at this point.
And giving in I did. Crying was cathartic. It was cleansing. But it didn't make the sadness go away. And it didn't make anything better. I have no job. No job. No income. I'm starting to freak out a bit.
I feel my brain turning to mush. I need to DO SOMETHING. I need to have a job where I make money. Bills are due. I'm sick of not having any money for fun things. There are a couple job prospects on the horizon - I would really appreciate prayers that one of those job leads pans out. I want to be a productive member of society again. I feel like I'm not doing any good just sitting at home!
So if you could spare a prayer for me today - I would appreciate prayers for a job. Or even just good thoughts or vibes. I'd take anything good at this point.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Dear Daddy,
I'm having a hard day. I miss you. With all the excitement of the past few days of Gigi's first days of school, getting lost and everything else that goes along with starting school I was able to "forget" for awhile that you were gone. You are always with me and the hole is still in my heart but when I'm busy I don't dwell on it.
Mama e-mailed some pictures to me and asked me to have them printed. I didn't think it would be a problem to do that. When I opened the pictures, it took my breath away.
The pictures are of you and you and Mama doing what you did best. Fishing. They are how I want to remember you, not the shell of you lying in a hospital bed. The pictures show you so full of life. So ALIVE. So Daddy.
You have your stupid fishing sunglasses on. The ones I made fun of you for wearing but know how practical they were in the boat. In another picture you have one of your famous vests on. You and Mama in a boat on the water.
A friend of yours sent these pictures to Mama and I have not asked where they were taken. If I'm not mistaken that black Ping hat is the one I bought you to cover up your staples after your original surgery but I could be wrong.
Regardless of when they were taken - you were HERE. You doing what you loved with the woman you loved and a friend you loved.
The other day I heard Oprah (yeah I know...you can laugh Daddy) say that every person on this planet just wants the answers to three questions...
*Do you see me?
*Do you hear me?
*Did what I say mean anything?
Yes Daddy. I saw you, I heard you and what you said meant something. Your life meant something. Pictures are just again proof that not so long ago you were alive. You were living your life to the fullest.
I only hope someday that I can answer those questions as surely as I can answer them for you. I miss you every single day. I love you.
Love,
Tisti
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Lost
Yesterday I blogged about Gigi's drop off at school and was looking forward to coming back last night and posting about what a great day she had. She DID have a great day...but...
They LOST her!!
I went to pick her up at 2:45 (okay fine, I was on that playground at 2:35 anxiously awaiting the door opening).
I waited for her to come out of her designated door and saw her teacher lead her kids out. No Gigi in that pack. Thinking maybe they were split up with a helper I waited and a second and third wave of kids came out. No Gigi. At this point I started thinking maybe I had somehow missed her and scanned the playground and all the other kids and did not see her.
I was trying really hard not to freak out.
I got someone that works at the school and we went in to look in the classroom. No Gigi. I went back out and found her teacher and asked if she had her and was told, "She was with me. She wouldn't have gotten on a bus, would she?" I had never even discussed a bus with her so didn't think so. I then went to the principal and asked if she had seen a little blonde girl in a red dress with white polka dots. I again checked the playground.
I was trying REALLY HARD not to freak out.
Still no Gigi. I went back to the classroom again and then checked the restroom and the class next to Gigi's as well. I was frantic by this time. The gal that was helping me suggested maybe she was in the cafeteria with the after school care program kids. Bingo...there she was waiting in line to get checked in.
Gigi didn't even realize she was lost. It was all I could do to not pick her up and just sob uncontrollably. I did pick her up and hug her and tell her that I was worried about her because she wasn't on the playground. "But someone told me to come with them Mama and I followed them here." Just following directions.
I was still trying really hard not to freak out.
For 15 minutes I did not know where my 5 year old was. This is the first time EVER that I have not known where she was. First time in a new school with new kids and new teachers. I expected the first day to be chaos but I didn't expect my kindergartner to be LOST!!
Today? I'm still trying really hard not to freak out.
I e-mailed the principal and teacher and had a nice talk with the principal - who called me not even 5 minutes after my e-mail hit her inbox. She was sorry and told me that it was a chain of events that happened. I made some suggestions to help prevent this in the future and think that they will at least be discussed if not implemented.
I think I volunteered myself for the PTO too. Not that that's a bad thing - the meetings seem to be held on the evening when Gigi is with her Daddy.
I dropped off some paperwork at church this morning for Gigi and told the whole story to all the ladies there. Gigi's preschool director was there and knows me. She just looked at me and laughed and said, "Only you. This could only happen to you." She's right! I was probably the most nervous parent dropping my kiddo off yesterday and then for her to be lost after school?
Oy.
They LOST her!!
I went to pick her up at 2:45 (okay fine, I was on that playground at 2:35 anxiously awaiting the door opening).
I waited for her to come out of her designated door and saw her teacher lead her kids out. No Gigi in that pack. Thinking maybe they were split up with a helper I waited and a second and third wave of kids came out. No Gigi. At this point I started thinking maybe I had somehow missed her and scanned the playground and all the other kids and did not see her.
I was trying really hard not to freak out.
I got someone that works at the school and we went in to look in the classroom. No Gigi. I went back out and found her teacher and asked if she had her and was told, "She was with me. She wouldn't have gotten on a bus, would she?" I had never even discussed a bus with her so didn't think so. I then went to the principal and asked if she had seen a little blonde girl in a red dress with white polka dots. I again checked the playground.
I was trying REALLY HARD not to freak out.
Still no Gigi. I went back to the classroom again and then checked the restroom and the class next to Gigi's as well. I was frantic by this time. The gal that was helping me suggested maybe she was in the cafeteria with the after school care program kids. Bingo...there she was waiting in line to get checked in.
Gigi didn't even realize she was lost. It was all I could do to not pick her up and just sob uncontrollably. I did pick her up and hug her and tell her that I was worried about her because she wasn't on the playground. "But someone told me to come with them Mama and I followed them here." Just following directions.
I was still trying really hard not to freak out.
For 15 minutes I did not know where my 5 year old was. This is the first time EVER that I have not known where she was. First time in a new school with new kids and new teachers. I expected the first day to be chaos but I didn't expect my kindergartner to be LOST!!
Today? I'm still trying really hard not to freak out.
I e-mailed the principal and teacher and had a nice talk with the principal - who called me not even 5 minutes after my e-mail hit her inbox. She was sorry and told me that it was a chain of events that happened. I made some suggestions to help prevent this in the future and think that they will at least be discussed if not implemented.
I think I volunteered myself for the PTO too. Not that that's a bad thing - the meetings seem to be held on the evening when Gigi is with her Daddy.
I dropped off some paperwork at church this morning for Gigi and told the whole story to all the ladies there. Gigi's preschool director was there and knows me. She just looked at me and laughed and said, "Only you. This could only happen to you." She's right! I was probably the most nervous parent dropping my kiddo off yesterday and then for her to be lost after school?
Oy.
Monday, August 16, 2010
My baby :(
My baby girl is at school. SCHOOL. Real school. Real full day every day school. Gigi started kindergarten today. I'm both happy and sad. I'm sad because I miss her. I'm sad because her babyhood, toddlerhood, and preschoolerhood are GONE. She is 5 and seems so grown up.
She was excited but nervous this morning. I woke her up and she wasn't grumpy with me. She had promised last night she wouldn't be :) We got dressed in her special dress (which is actually the dress she wore for my dad's memorial and is now called her "funeral" dress) and got ready. Then I started the pictures. LOL.
Here she is in front of the house...
We went for a special breakfast at her favorite bagel spot. Her request.
Then we went on to school!
Our school doesn't allow parents to come into the classroom for the first day. It made me sad but then I realized how much easier it would be for the kids (and the teachers!) to not have all the parents there boo hoo-ing. So we got to the playground and found her line. Took a quick picture...
Then the bell rang and she was off!
And when I say she was off - she was OFF. That bell rang and the two K teachers hit the doors RIGHT AWAY. Kind of catching me off guard but I already had my hugs and kisses in so it was okay. And then? She was gone. And I was standing alone on the playground willing myself not to cry. That worked until I got home. Yay for no tears in public!! Then I sobbed for awhile and took a nap - as this Mama didn't get much sleep last night because I was so nervous.
So my baby with her ginormous backpack (looking at the pictures makes it seem even bigger - she wouldn't let me adjust it so it's hanging low) is learning and having fun with new friends. She should've already eaten her specially packed lunch and I'm worried if she had enough time to eat and if she could get everything open. She has had her first recess and should be having quiet time right now.
I worry that she will be too shy to make friends. If you know Gigi you know she is NOT shy but in this new situation with so many new kids she has been a bit overwhelmed. I worry that she will have had to sit by herself at lunch. I've never not been there when she met new friends. I've always been able to make sure she is being nice and is talking to other kids. I've always been there and now she is in the big bad world of school all alone.
I get to pick her up in a few hours and hug her again. I get to hear about her day. I can't wait.
She was excited but nervous this morning. I woke her up and she wasn't grumpy with me. She had promised last night she wouldn't be :) We got dressed in her special dress (which is actually the dress she wore for my dad's memorial and is now called her "funeral" dress) and got ready. Then I started the pictures. LOL.
Here she is in front of the house...
We went for a special breakfast at her favorite bagel spot. Her request.
Then we went on to school!
Our school doesn't allow parents to come into the classroom for the first day. It made me sad but then I realized how much easier it would be for the kids (and the teachers!) to not have all the parents there boo hoo-ing. So we got to the playground and found her line. Took a quick picture...
Then the bell rang and she was off!
And when I say she was off - she was OFF. That bell rang and the two K teachers hit the doors RIGHT AWAY. Kind of catching me off guard but I already had my hugs and kisses in so it was okay. And then? She was gone. And I was standing alone on the playground willing myself not to cry. That worked until I got home. Yay for no tears in public!! Then I sobbed for awhile and took a nap - as this Mama didn't get much sleep last night because I was so nervous.
So my baby with her ginormous backpack (looking at the pictures makes it seem even bigger - she wouldn't let me adjust it so it's hanging low) is learning and having fun with new friends. She should've already eaten her specially packed lunch and I'm worried if she had enough time to eat and if she could get everything open. She has had her first recess and should be having quiet time right now.
I worry that she will be too shy to make friends. If you know Gigi you know she is NOT shy but in this new situation with so many new kids she has been a bit overwhelmed. I worry that she will have had to sit by herself at lunch. I've never not been there when she met new friends. I've always been able to make sure she is being nice and is talking to other kids. I've always been there and now she is in the big bad world of school all alone.
I get to pick her up in a few hours and hug her again. I get to hear about her day. I can't wait.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
The Camper
Much better picture of my new ink. Not icky. And you can see the placement of it too :) My Mama HATES it. But she hates all tattoos so I'm not going to feel bad.
1. We got to drink red Gatorade
2. It was Kids Fest and there was a big water slide (which Gigi went down a total of ONCE and hated it. It was "too scary" )
3. They gave us popsicles!
4. Face Painting!!
5. Gigi is FUNNY. I told her on the way there to close her eyes and the trip would go faster. She looked at me and said, "You close YOUR eyes. Are your eyes closed? Why aren't we going faster?" That kid. My mom always told us that if we just closed our eyes that we would go faster. Of course it seemed like it because we slept instead of asked if we were there yet 475,679 times. But my kid? My kid thinks it will go faster if *I* sleep.
And then the hard stuff.
The camper was one of my Daddy's favorite places. I think it may be my Mama's favorite place in the world. It was H.A.R.D. to go there on Friday evening. It was exactly a month since Daddy died and the lake is HIM. It's my Mama and my Daddy - fishing, camping and visiting with friends. It's my Daddy's tricked out golf cart and campfires. It's "camping" at it's finest. With a fifth wheel camper, beds that are soft, a bathroom in the camper, a fireplace AND air conditioning.
It was all those things and everything looked exactly the same as when I had been there last summer. Except my Daddy wasn't there. My Daddy wasn't there to take us for a crazy boat ride and go under the bridges. My Daddy wasn't there to take Gigi fishing. My Daddy wasn't there to take us on golf cart rides just to pass the time. My Daddy wasn't there.
There were a few tears, but not many. I am trying so hard to be strong for Gracey and my Mama. But sometimes? I just want to curl into a little ball and make the whole world go away so I can just cry and cry. I miss my Daddy. The camper smelled like him. His shoes were there. Gigi and I took the golf cart for a drive and it ran out of juice (it's electric). He wasn't there to laugh at us...or save us.
Our first weekend at the camper without him is over. We had fun but something was missing. Gigi got to drive a little electric boat. As we were waiting in line I glanced down at the dock and saw a man with a t-shirt very similar to one of my dad's. For a moment...just a moment he was THERE. He was walking on that dock after docking the blue boat. He was coming up to get us. And then I realized that it wasn't him. It was actually one of his friends. I was glad to have sunglasses on so I didn't have to explain to anyone why I was standing in line with Gigi with tears in my eyes.
Last night before going to bed I actually thought to myself..."self (because I always begin that way :) ) this is the first time at the camper that we won't get awakened at 6:00 because my dad is making coffee." Sort of sad but exciting at the same time if you know what I mean. Sleep is good in any form! But Gigi fixed that whole sleeping in thing. She was up at 6:00 this morning! That child has not seen 6:00 EVER except for when she was a baby and would wake up to eat at that time and go back to sleep.
Thanks Daddy for the early wake up call.
We got through it. We didn't get the boat in the water (although I'm sure Mama is a good boat driver) and we didn't fish. We didn't get cooler after cooler full of ice. We didn't hear the coffee grinder and paper at 6:00 am. But we knew he was there. Gigi talks about him A LOT. She talks of how he was looking down at us and smiling when we were on the red golf cart. We saw a Cessna airplane and we just knew that Papa was telling us hello.
One weekend down without him...several decades to go.
The good stuff from our trip to Mama and Daddy's camper...
1. We got to drink red Gatorade
2. It was Kids Fest and there was a big water slide (which Gigi went down a total of ONCE and hated it. It was "too scary" )
3. They gave us popsicles!
4. Face Painting!!
5. Gigi is FUNNY. I told her on the way there to close her eyes and the trip would go faster. She looked at me and said, "You close YOUR eyes. Are your eyes closed? Why aren't we going faster?" That kid. My mom always told us that if we just closed our eyes that we would go faster. Of course it seemed like it because we slept instead of asked if we were there yet 475,679 times. But my kid? My kid thinks it will go faster if *I* sleep.
And then the hard stuff.
The camper was one of my Daddy's favorite places. I think it may be my Mama's favorite place in the world. It was H.A.R.D. to go there on Friday evening. It was exactly a month since Daddy died and the lake is HIM. It's my Mama and my Daddy - fishing, camping and visiting with friends. It's my Daddy's tricked out golf cart and campfires. It's "camping" at it's finest. With a fifth wheel camper, beds that are soft, a bathroom in the camper, a fireplace AND air conditioning.
It was all those things and everything looked exactly the same as when I had been there last summer. Except my Daddy wasn't there. My Daddy wasn't there to take us for a crazy boat ride and go under the bridges. My Daddy wasn't there to take Gigi fishing. My Daddy wasn't there to take us on golf cart rides just to pass the time. My Daddy wasn't there.
There were a few tears, but not many. I am trying so hard to be strong for Gracey and my Mama. But sometimes? I just want to curl into a little ball and make the whole world go away so I can just cry and cry. I miss my Daddy. The camper smelled like him. His shoes were there. Gigi and I took the golf cart for a drive and it ran out of juice (it's electric). He wasn't there to laugh at us...or save us.
Our first weekend at the camper without him is over. We had fun but something was missing. Gigi got to drive a little electric boat. As we were waiting in line I glanced down at the dock and saw a man with a t-shirt very similar to one of my dad's. For a moment...just a moment he was THERE. He was walking on that dock after docking the blue boat. He was coming up to get us. And then I realized that it wasn't him. It was actually one of his friends. I was glad to have sunglasses on so I didn't have to explain to anyone why I was standing in line with Gigi with tears in my eyes.
Last night before going to bed I actually thought to myself..."self (because I always begin that way :) ) this is the first time at the camper that we won't get awakened at 6:00 because my dad is making coffee." Sort of sad but exciting at the same time if you know what I mean. Sleep is good in any form! But Gigi fixed that whole sleeping in thing. She was up at 6:00 this morning! That child has not seen 6:00 EVER except for when she was a baby and would wake up to eat at that time and go back to sleep.
Thanks Daddy for the early wake up call.
We got through it. We didn't get the boat in the water (although I'm sure Mama is a good boat driver) and we didn't fish. We didn't get cooler after cooler full of ice. We didn't hear the coffee grinder and paper at 6:00 am. But we knew he was there. Gigi talks about him A LOT. She talks of how he was looking down at us and smiling when we were on the red golf cart. We saw a Cessna airplane and we just knew that Papa was telling us hello.
One weekend down without him...several decades to go.
Fun Day with Buttercup
We had such a great time with Buttercup on Friday. SO.MUCH.FUN. Her mom called and we just didn't want to let her go :( She is a very special little girl. Caring, fun and just all around awesome. We miss the H family so very much!!
As I said on Friday we started our fun waiting for Buttercup to arrive.
As I said on Friday we started our fun waiting for Buttercup to arrive.
And then her Suburban pulled up!! 
We played with new neighbor friends for awhile...
And then we went for a bagel lunch and these girls didn't really care about eating. They just enjoyed being with each other!
(That would be Gigi trying to wink)
Then we went for cupcakes!! We love cupcakes. 
After cupcakes we played again. The girls both wore their half of their "Best Friends" necklace and they put them together...awwww...
And then sadly, it was time for Buttercup to go.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Buttercup is visiting!
Gigi's BFF who moved very far away is here to visit!! Buttercup came to our house this morning and it has been a love fest ever since. They were so excited to see each other.
We had a girls lunch at our favorite bagel place and then a treat of cupcakes at the local cupcake shop. Yummo!
I don't think we are going to let Buttercup go home. She just fits so well and they missed each other so much. I will get some pictures up later.
We had a girls lunch at our favorite bagel place and then a treat of cupcakes at the local cupcake shop. Yummo!
I don't think we are going to let Buttercup go home. She just fits so well and they missed each other so much. I will get some pictures up later.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
New Ink!
It has now been exactly a month since I saw my Dad alive and breathing. He died in the early morning hours of July 13th and I didn't make it back to the hospital to see him alive. I can't believe it's been a MONTH. It feels like hours and yet sometimes it feels like years. I miss him :(
When my dad was diagnosed I got some weird idea that I needed another tattoo. I have two already (A Mickey Mouse head on my toe and a shamrock under my ankle bone). I didn't know what I wanted but I knew something in "honor" of him. Now to know my dad this is funny because my dad HATED tattoos. HATED them. Like passionately.
So I got an idea of what I wanted and really wanted to get it done in June. I put it off telling myself it was something permanent and I should think about it. Then he got sicker. And sicker. Then he died. I knew I had to do it. So here it is. Can't really tell from the picture but it is on the inside of my left ankle below the ankle bone.
When my dad was diagnosed I got some weird idea that I needed another tattoo. I have two already (A Mickey Mouse head on my toe and a shamrock under my ankle bone). I didn't know what I wanted but I knew something in "honor" of him. Now to know my dad this is funny because my dad HATED tattoos. HATED them. Like passionately.
So I got an idea of what I wanted and really wanted to get it done in June. I put it off telling myself it was something permanent and I should think about it. Then he got sicker. And sicker. Then he died. I knew I had to do it. So here it is. Can't really tell from the picture but it is on the inside of my left ankle below the ankle bone.
Pretty icky because it's pretty fresh. The fish is the traditional Ichthys or Jesus Fish. It is green because that was my Daddy's favorite color. He liked to fish. The blue cross intertwined with it is to represent my Mama. She loves blue and has been not only a pillar of strength but also of faith. Throughout everything that's happened she has reminded me to keep my faith in God. They are intertwined because they are my Mama and my Daddy...united forever.
I love it. I love what it represents. I love that I will be able to look at it and remember my Daddy. And how much he hated tattoos. Sorry Mama.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I Wonder...
I wonder if anyone else ever feels like the world is crashing down around them. Like the streak of "bad luck" will never end. Searching for something ANYTHING that is a positive in a life of negatives.
This is how I'm feeling tonight. No job, Daddy died, running out of money, my lawnmower is broken, my sister and her family are moving away, Gigi starts kindergarten soon...I could go on.
I feel like Pigpen from Charlie Brown only instead of a cloud of dirt I have a black cloud over my head. I know there are positives in my life and I have the bestest little girl, Mama, sister, niece and nephews a girl could ever ask for.
2010 did not start off well and has continued to not be a good year. It's only August but I would gladly take snow right now to have it be a new year and a fresh start. I hate feeling this way. I want to be a positive person...almost Pollyannaish. But I feel beat down.
I know I have prayer warriors out there praying for me and others that don't pray but send good thoughts. My prayer request is for a job tonight. A career. Somewhere that I can go on a daily basis and not only feel good about what I'm doing but feel good about going. Somewhere that I will make actual money would be nice too.
Earlier in the year before I lost my job I made plans for a big trip next year. I was going to take Gigi on a Disney Cruise. If you know me you know what a big deal Disney is. I'm a Mickey Mouse FREAK. I was so excited to take her on the cruise and meet Mickey. Its simply not going to happen and I am so very sad about it. There is no way I can spend the money to do something so frivolous. I was so looking forward to a week in the sun just Gigi and Mommy - meeting Mickey. *sigh*
But real life beckons. Mortgage needs to be paid. Food put on the table (er...coffee table at least LOL). School clothes purchased. So the trip is cancelled. Maybe in 2012 we will get to go and meet Mickey on the big boat.
One bright spot - Gigi's bestest friend, Buttercup is coming on FRIDAY!!!!! I wish I had a little dancing banana man for that. They moved far away at the end of June and they are coming to visit. Gigi doesn't know yet. Can't wait to see her face!!
This is how I'm feeling tonight. No job, Daddy died, running out of money, my lawnmower is broken, my sister and her family are moving away, Gigi starts kindergarten soon...I could go on.
I feel like Pigpen from Charlie Brown only instead of a cloud of dirt I have a black cloud over my head. I know there are positives in my life and I have the bestest little girl, Mama, sister, niece and nephews a girl could ever ask for.
2010 did not start off well and has continued to not be a good year. It's only August but I would gladly take snow right now to have it be a new year and a fresh start. I hate feeling this way. I want to be a positive person...almost Pollyannaish. But I feel beat down.
I know I have prayer warriors out there praying for me and others that don't pray but send good thoughts. My prayer request is for a job tonight. A career. Somewhere that I can go on a daily basis and not only feel good about what I'm doing but feel good about going. Somewhere that I will make actual money would be nice too.
Earlier in the year before I lost my job I made plans for a big trip next year. I was going to take Gigi on a Disney Cruise. If you know me you know what a big deal Disney is. I'm a Mickey Mouse FREAK. I was so excited to take her on the cruise and meet Mickey. Its simply not going to happen and I am so very sad about it. There is no way I can spend the money to do something so frivolous. I was so looking forward to a week in the sun just Gigi and Mommy - meeting Mickey. *sigh*
But real life beckons. Mortgage needs to be paid. Food put on the table (er...coffee table at least LOL). School clothes purchased. So the trip is cancelled. Maybe in 2012 we will get to go and meet Mickey on the big boat.
One bright spot - Gigi's bestest friend, Buttercup is coming on FRIDAY!!!!! I wish I had a little dancing banana man for that. They moved far away at the end of June and they are coming to visit. Gigi doesn't know yet. Can't wait to see her face!!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A Million Times
I ran across this yesterday and then my sister called me in the evening and told me about a frame that said "If love alone could've saved you. You never would have died." A sign from Daddy?
A Million Times
A million times we've needed you.
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you.
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place.
No one else will every fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you.
The day God took you home.
Author Unkown
A million seems like too little and it hasn't even been a month. Big upcoming events and my Daddy won't be there. K and her family move. Gigi starts kindergarten. I hopefully have a new job...soon (not that there are any close prospects yet). All those things will be firsts. They will be happy but something will be missing.
I want my Daddy to tell me to stop obsessing about Gigi's first day of kindergarten. I'm trying not to be a helicopter parent but it's so hard. Her little heart is sad because her Papa is in heaven and I would like to protect her heart from every other hurt. *sigh* Kindergarten open house is tonight.
At the pool the other day a friend told me that I get an "A+ in grieving." That made me laugh. I'm trying. I'm trying to grieve the only way I know how. Sometimes I'm fine and have good memories and little sadness knowing that he is in a better place. Sometimes the sadness hits me like a ton of bricks.
When will I see a Cessna flying overhead and have happy memories instead of tears? When will I stop thinking that I need to tell him something and then the real world crashes down? When will my Mama not have that sadness in her eyes anymore?
I know there is no answers for any of these questions except for time.
My Mama, Gigi and I are headed for a day of fun in the boat at the river soon. It will be sad being in Papa's boat with my Mama as the driver instead of my Daddy. It will be sad to see the place that made him so very happy. It will be hard but together we will do it and make some new happy memories.
A Million Times
A million times we've needed you.
A million times we've cried.
If love alone could've saved you.
You never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we love you still.
In our hearts you hold a place.
No one else will every fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you.
But you didn't go alone.
Part of us went with you.
The day God took you home.
Author Unkown
A million seems like too little and it hasn't even been a month. Big upcoming events and my Daddy won't be there. K and her family move. Gigi starts kindergarten. I hopefully have a new job...soon (not that there are any close prospects yet). All those things will be firsts. They will be happy but something will be missing.
I want my Daddy to tell me to stop obsessing about Gigi's first day of kindergarten. I'm trying not to be a helicopter parent but it's so hard. Her little heart is sad because her Papa is in heaven and I would like to protect her heart from every other hurt. *sigh* Kindergarten open house is tonight.
At the pool the other day a friend told me that I get an "A+ in grieving." That made me laugh. I'm trying. I'm trying to grieve the only way I know how. Sometimes I'm fine and have good memories and little sadness knowing that he is in a better place. Sometimes the sadness hits me like a ton of bricks.
When will I see a Cessna flying overhead and have happy memories instead of tears? When will I stop thinking that I need to tell him something and then the real world crashes down? When will my Mama not have that sadness in her eyes anymore?
I know there is no answers for any of these questions except for time.
My Mama, Gigi and I are headed for a day of fun in the boat at the river soon. It will be sad being in Papa's boat with my Mama as the driver instead of my Daddy. It will be sad to see the place that made him so very happy. It will be hard but together we will do it and make some new happy memories.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
One Month Ago...
I said goodbye to my Daddy. Now I know what you are thinking - didn't he die on July 13th? Yes, he did. But in my mind? July 5th was the last day my Daddy was with *me.* This is the day that I said goodbye. That I made sincere promises that I intend to keep. The day that I got my last Daddy hug :( Others still had interaction with him for a couple days after that. But I said goodbye and was at peace with that.
It's really hard to believe it's been a month. It seems so long ago and yet so short. Craziness. But really it's been longer than a month since I've heard his voice, or been able to ask him a question that didn't include "squeeze my hand if you understand" at the end of it. I'm mad that my Daddy wasn't able to be my Daddy at the end. And I'm sad. I miss him. I miss his commanding presence in a room. I miss the no nonsense way he made decisions. I miss him telling me what to do. Mostly? I miss seeing he and my Mama interact.
My broken heart was broken into even more teeny tiny little pieces with the news this morning of my friend J's husband, J. Hearing a diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer is so difficult. Knowing that she and her daughters will be walking down an all too familiar road way too soon? It makes me cry and my heart hurt. I hope that their walk will be longer - not more painful - but longer timewise than our walk. I hope that they get more time with him than we got with my Daddy. Time is such a precious gift.
This is where it is HARD to continue to not ask why. I don't want to, but WHY? Why all the good ones Lord? Why? I know that in reality all the people on this earth are not ours and belong to Him and he can choose when. But it hurts.
Since I've already wrestled with the vision of what heaven is like I have to believe that people looking down from heaven either cannot see the pain that we are in or know the big secret as to WHY we are in pain. I choose to believe that they are in on the secret. My Daddy can look down on me and see me hurting, but understands that I hurt for a reason...a goal...a greater good. Sometimes I wish I could be in on the secret too so I could explain to other people. But alas, that is not to be.
I celebrated Miracle Treat Day today at the Dairy Queen with Gigi, my Mama, K and Lulu. We took a break from back to school shopping to eat some yummy ice cream for the great cause of the Children's Miracle Network. I was telling Gigi on the way home that it was Miracle Treat Day and she asked me, "Mama? What's a Miracle?" I explained it to her the best way I could by telling her that a miracle was something good happening that we didn't expect. Like if someone walked up and handed me a check for $1,000 that would be a miracle. And you know what she said? "Would a miracle be like if Papa was able to come back from Heaven?"
Yes, Gigi. That WOULD be a miracle. I don't think he would want to because as a picture that our neighbor drew for us says "He's comfy in heaven." I have to believe that. I smile everytime I see that picture. He's comfy in heaven.
And for a short bit of happy news - my very good friend Sasa had an ultrasound today and found out she is having a little girl!!! Let the shopping begin! :D
It's really hard to believe it's been a month. It seems so long ago and yet so short. Craziness. But really it's been longer than a month since I've heard his voice, or been able to ask him a question that didn't include "squeeze my hand if you understand" at the end of it. I'm mad that my Daddy wasn't able to be my Daddy at the end. And I'm sad. I miss him. I miss his commanding presence in a room. I miss the no nonsense way he made decisions. I miss him telling me what to do. Mostly? I miss seeing he and my Mama interact.
My broken heart was broken into even more teeny tiny little pieces with the news this morning of my friend J's husband, J. Hearing a diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer is so difficult. Knowing that she and her daughters will be walking down an all too familiar road way too soon? It makes me cry and my heart hurt. I hope that their walk will be longer - not more painful - but longer timewise than our walk. I hope that they get more time with him than we got with my Daddy. Time is such a precious gift.
This is where it is HARD to continue to not ask why. I don't want to, but WHY? Why all the good ones Lord? Why? I know that in reality all the people on this earth are not ours and belong to Him and he can choose when. But it hurts.
Since I've already wrestled with the vision of what heaven is like I have to believe that people looking down from heaven either cannot see the pain that we are in or know the big secret as to WHY we are in pain. I choose to believe that they are in on the secret. My Daddy can look down on me and see me hurting, but understands that I hurt for a reason...a goal...a greater good. Sometimes I wish I could be in on the secret too so I could explain to other people. But alas, that is not to be.
I celebrated Miracle Treat Day today at the Dairy Queen with Gigi, my Mama, K and Lulu. We took a break from back to school shopping to eat some yummy ice cream for the great cause of the Children's Miracle Network. I was telling Gigi on the way home that it was Miracle Treat Day and she asked me, "Mama? What's a Miracle?" I explained it to her the best way I could by telling her that a miracle was something good happening that we didn't expect. Like if someone walked up and handed me a check for $1,000 that would be a miracle. And you know what she said? "Would a miracle be like if Papa was able to come back from Heaven?"
Yes, Gigi. That WOULD be a miracle. I don't think he would want to because as a picture that our neighbor drew for us says "He's comfy in heaven." I have to believe that. I smile everytime I see that picture. He's comfy in heaven.
And for a short bit of happy news - my very good friend Sasa had an ultrasound today and found out she is having a little girl!!! Let the shopping begin! :D
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
What doesn't kill us...
Only makes us stronger.
It turns out it was black shirt night! Glad I wore mine :D
So Grandma Ann - if you happen to see this. I did NOT kill the hibiscus. And if these are not in fact hibiscus flowers? Don't tell me. Just let me think they are. I'm pretty proud of my red flowers :D
I cannot tell you how tired I am of hearing this. Seriously. I know it is meant to be a pep talk. Meant to be uplifting. But really? It makes me want to smack you. Sorry. Just being honest. I won't smack you because I don't believe in hitting nice people but I might want to.
I don't want to be stronger. Just because I happen to be going through a really rough spot and haven't keeled over from stress does not mean I'm relishing the "getting stronger" part. I am probably the biggest 'Everything Happens for a Reason' person you will EVER meet. But right now? I can't make sense of my Daddy's death. Someday I'm sure I will see some sort of silver lining - but right now stupid cliches and "God doesn't give us more than we can handle," "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" and "Everything happens for a reason" are lost on me.
Totally not picking on anyone here. No one knows what to say. Especially when I find myself just blurting out, "My dad just died" to a complete stranger. I've got to stop doing that.
Now to kind of garbage dump in this post.
Selah? AWESOME. Front row seats because I got there two hours early. They were fantastic as ever. Me? Total puddle. Because they sing songs with such meaning I started crying and pretty much didn't stop for the second half of the concert. At the very end they gave a sneak peek (or sneak listen I guess) of a new song. Oh Em Gee. Fab.u.lous. I also stayed after to meet Allan, Todd and Amy. Turned into a puddle again. I'm sure they were very impressed.
It turns out it was black shirt night! Glad I wore mine :DGigi came home on Sunday night. I am so glad to have her home. Now I feel like we can start to prepare for school (Kindergarten EEK) and start our 'new normal.' I'm only having one minor freakout a day about school so that's good. We got her teachers name and have Open House next week. She's ready. Her supplies are labeled and in her new backpack. I will be ready eventually too.
The other exciting news? We got our playset!! Crappy picture through the window because I'm a princess today and it's hot. And humid. And the mosquitos might carry me away. Some very nice gentleman were here all afternoon setting it up. I don't think they have much blood left with all the bites they left with.
Immediately after they finished Gigi found her neighborhood friends and had them all over. She came and told me, "Mama it feels like a PARTY back there." That makes my heart smile. It is a bit sad because this playset is from my Mama and Daddy. They both wanted her to be able to have something to play on in the backyard. Unfortunately my Daddy didn't get to help pick it out or build it - but Gigi knows that her Papa and Grandma got her playset for her.
In other exciting news...I have a flower in my yard. If you know me you know this is VERY exciting news. I don't grow things. My cats and my child cry if they are hungry or thirsty. Plants don't do that. So I usually kill them quickly. The gal I bought my house from was a BIG gardener. Most of her plants have made it - but of course the ONE that she asked the neighbor about when she saw her was the hibiscus. Honestly? The hibiscus WAS dead. Not growing. No signs of life. After my dad's memorial? FLOWERS. Ferreals. I don't think I can attribute it to my dad because that doesn't seem like him, but it does give me hope that someday I could maybe grow something. Here are the flowers...
So Grandma Ann - if you happen to see this. I did NOT kill the hibiscus. And if these are not in fact hibiscus flowers? Don't tell me. Just let me think they are. I'm pretty proud of my red flowers :D
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